I've been going through yet another period of health challenges. The biggest challenge is really that whatever is happening to my body and health right now is pretty low-level. Upon reflection I've been suffering the same symptoms for at least 1.5 years, but only in the last 4 months have I sought medical support as it wasn't that bad. Several years ago I had a severe flare-up of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes, and pretty much checked out of life for a couple of years. I have gradually resumed normal life, but when I don't feel well, I just assume I've overdone it. And maybe I have. But maybe there is something else going on. And by feeling unwell I mean anything from having almost no energy for weeks at a time, or experiencing pain and discomfort in my body, or feeling stressed out, anxious and angry. I can't pinpoint whether the discomfort in my body is affecting my perceptions, or vice versa. I just feel horrible - emotionally and physically.
Recently I have experienced a few weeks of particularly low energy, dizziness, and a lack of control over my emotions, serious enough to pay a visit to the doctor. He's concerned there may be issues with my digestive system, and gave me some medicine to take for two weeks. Although it appears the medicine worked positively on my digestive tract, it had a side effect that was pretty rough. I got really bloated. As in, 2kg (or 5lb). My clothes didn't fit. That was pretty tough, as I'd recently lost some weight and bought new clothes. I'd gotten rid of the old ones, so I just wore sweatpants and avoided making appointments! Interesting, as one of the digestive tract issues it was supposed to resolve was bloating... but other than that, it seemed to work.
At the same time, my familiar demon Insomnia was haunting me. I wasn't sleeping, and when I was asleep I wasn't sleeping very soundly. I woke up tired, often angry or upset, and the day would go downhill from there. I couldn't make appointments in the morning because I couldn't reliably wake up in time, and even if I was up, sometimes to get from awake to alert would take several hours.
So I was frustrated. I was angry, impatient, had little control over my emotions, felt isolated and incompetent. Which, you guessed it, made me feel angry, impatient... rinse and repeat.
I struggle to see myself clearly. I see all my faults and imperfections, and gloss over my many wonderful qualities. And I struggle to see others clearly too sometimes. So I got angry at everyone. All the people that don't love me back. I saw how hard I work to be a good friend, how much I try to create and maintain relationships, how much I value others and appreciate them... and how nobody appreciates me. Other people like me for what I do for them, and if I don't do for them, I don't hear from them. I felt so alone, and angry about it... but unwilling to reach out because I don't want to accept the role I saw myself being forced into.
But a wonderful thing about how I've grown in my lifetime, and particularly in the last year, is I've become much more balanced, much more willing to experience options and shades of gray, and to see my thoughts and beliefs as choices rather than truths. (Although I can be pretty stubborn too!!)
I prefer a deeper intimacy than a lot of people, so sometimes that need for a deeper connection, for more intense conversation both on a personal and philosphical level, doesn't get met. And of course, when my needs aren't met, I feel lonely. And if I try to get those needs met from friends who just aren't that sort of person, sometimes I take it personally. I think that the friend is choosing not to connect with me in the way I like. But more likely, the friend just can't. Me feeling lonely and not getting what I need has nothing to do with whether the friend is offering me a great friendship. It just means that what they are offering isn't meeting my needs right now.
So I need to get out there, reconnect with friends I know go waaaaaay down deep, see if other friends are available for that kind of connection, and build that a bit more into my life.
Feeling isolated, alone, and angry is not the path for me, but I'm kinda glad I walked it a while, it really helped me to see that I can trust myself to take the action I need to continue to develop as a person, and to help myself love myself and be happy with who I am - even on those days that I feel no one else is!
Showing posts with label Acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Acceptance. Show all posts
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Thanks, but no thanks
I really like people to know me, see me, understand me. But not everyone can, nor does everyone want to. Shock!
There are a few people in my life that I don't want to have close at all anymore. For whatever reason, I just don't admire or respect them the way I want to admire and respect the people I keep close. So I'd like to just let go.
But they won't go.
Some of them I'm related to, some of them are friends of family, some of them have just been around for a long time. And all of them I'll most likely see or hear from again. I've actually just come to realize that people rarely disappear, they just go into hiding. Sometimes when they reappear it's a joy, other times I just have to figure out how to negotiate those social occasions without getting involved.
Anyway, so these people that won't go away... I don't want to behave unkindly, even though I have nothing kind to say to them. I have nothing to gain by being honest or open with them, by telling them how I feel, what I want from them or for them. Well, except that they might be so irritated they would go away... but then I'd have to see them again. And be confronted with my lack of gentleness with them.
But I don't want to molly-coddle people I just don't like. I just want to figure out the bare minimum required to reduce contact as much as possible.
So I will say, "thank you" to reply to nice things said and done, but "no thanks" to any suggestion that I want to connect. I'm busy that day.
There are a few people in my life that I don't want to have close at all anymore. For whatever reason, I just don't admire or respect them the way I want to admire and respect the people I keep close. So I'd like to just let go.
But they won't go.
Some of them I'm related to, some of them are friends of family, some of them have just been around for a long time. And all of them I'll most likely see or hear from again. I've actually just come to realize that people rarely disappear, they just go into hiding. Sometimes when they reappear it's a joy, other times I just have to figure out how to negotiate those social occasions without getting involved.
Anyway, so these people that won't go away... I don't want to behave unkindly, even though I have nothing kind to say to them. I have nothing to gain by being honest or open with them, by telling them how I feel, what I want from them or for them. Well, except that they might be so irritated they would go away... but then I'd have to see them again. And be confronted with my lack of gentleness with them.
But I don't want to molly-coddle people I just don't like. I just want to figure out the bare minimum required to reduce contact as much as possible.
So I will say, "thank you" to reply to nice things said and done, but "no thanks" to any suggestion that I want to connect. I'm busy that day.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Idealism in the Real World
Hello, my name is Anne-Marie, and I'm an idealist.
Have you ever heard of some people searching for a magic potion so they can become virgins again? I think idealism is the answer to that.
I am shocked, regularly, by people's behaviour. The same behaviour that shocked me yesterday, shocks me again today. No matter how often I see people cheat, lie, or steal, I'm shocked. No matter if the lie is small or big, the cheating is on a marriage or on a test, I'm shocked. Every day, the same experience hits me like a fresh ton of bricks!! I guess my innocence grows back at night.
How is it possible for people to choose to be less-than? And how can I learn to survive in that world?
I surround myself with people who, at least in general, find living up to my ideals easy. But my life extends beyond those I esteem and choose to keep close. I am regularly frustrated by the small, dishonourable acts of others. And there are at least 3 ocassions in my own life where I have behaved in a way that didn't follow the rules and where I feel that I might have been wrong. I have tried to justify that because the rules were stupid... but I'm not sure how just that argument is.
For example, I believe that all religions are one and that religious beliefs that are proclaimed more recently have a more directly relevant message from God. So the most recent Western religion, the Baha'i faith, which states that men and women are equal, is more true than previous religious claims that one sex has more or less rights than another. The only way that BOTH religious claims could be genuine messages from God would be if it has always been true that men and women are equal, it just didn't serve society at the time to assert that claim.
And that links back to my frustrated idealism in this way: If the rules of the day are wrong, then how wrong is it to break them? If it has always been true that men and women are equal, then it was wrong to ever allow conditions where this was not proclaimed.
But who am I to say: this is right, this is wrong? I know right from wrong, although it seems many do not. I know it is right to abide by the rules of the society I choose to be part of. But the rules are often wrong.
In Vancouver, where I used to live, it can be extremely difficult to find an apartment to rent or buy, because pets are usually not allowed. I think this is a foolish rule, there are lots of reasons why pets make life better and lots of reasons why a tenant or home-owner is a good or bad caretaker of the property which have nothing to do with owning a pet. That being said, having a pet is still breaking the rules. A stupid rule.
And I find some everyday things so frustrating. Purchasing an item that doesn't work, and being unable to exchange or return it. It may be wrong, but sometimes these small injustices just have to be lived with.
But how!!!
Have you ever heard of some people searching for a magic potion so they can become virgins again? I think idealism is the answer to that.
I am shocked, regularly, by people's behaviour. The same behaviour that shocked me yesterday, shocks me again today. No matter how often I see people cheat, lie, or steal, I'm shocked. No matter if the lie is small or big, the cheating is on a marriage or on a test, I'm shocked. Every day, the same experience hits me like a fresh ton of bricks!! I guess my innocence grows back at night.
How is it possible for people to choose to be less-than? And how can I learn to survive in that world?
I surround myself with people who, at least in general, find living up to my ideals easy. But my life extends beyond those I esteem and choose to keep close. I am regularly frustrated by the small, dishonourable acts of others. And there are at least 3 ocassions in my own life where I have behaved in a way that didn't follow the rules and where I feel that I might have been wrong. I have tried to justify that because the rules were stupid... but I'm not sure how just that argument is.
For example, I believe that all religions are one and that religious beliefs that are proclaimed more recently have a more directly relevant message from God. So the most recent Western religion, the Baha'i faith, which states that men and women are equal, is more true than previous religious claims that one sex has more or less rights than another. The only way that BOTH religious claims could be genuine messages from God would be if it has always been true that men and women are equal, it just didn't serve society at the time to assert that claim.
And that links back to my frustrated idealism in this way: If the rules of the day are wrong, then how wrong is it to break them? If it has always been true that men and women are equal, then it was wrong to ever allow conditions where this was not proclaimed.
But who am I to say: this is right, this is wrong? I know right from wrong, although it seems many do not. I know it is right to abide by the rules of the society I choose to be part of. But the rules are often wrong.
In Vancouver, where I used to live, it can be extremely difficult to find an apartment to rent or buy, because pets are usually not allowed. I think this is a foolish rule, there are lots of reasons why pets make life better and lots of reasons why a tenant or home-owner is a good or bad caretaker of the property which have nothing to do with owning a pet. That being said, having a pet is still breaking the rules. A stupid rule.
And I find some everyday things so frustrating. Purchasing an item that doesn't work, and being unable to exchange or return it. It may be wrong, but sometimes these small injustices just have to be lived with.
But how!!!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Avoid Self-imposed Guilt
As I've mentioned before, I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes. I am one of very few people for whom most of my symptoms are usually in almost total remission. That means that in less than a decade I have crashed from the high being a very high-functioning person to a seriously scary low of barely-functioning, and bounced back to a fairly high-functioning person.
But it's not over. I have to be on guard. I have to work very hard to focus on the path I'm on rather than the destination. This part is my personality, which I share with most fibro/CF sufferers - I like to achieve, and I get frustrated when I can't meet my goals. So I have to really work hard to forgive myself for 'failing' to meet all my goals.
A new tool I'm using to help me with that is an android app called 'Goal Coach'. Using this app for goal-setting was the first time I came across the idea of a goal percentage. In the past I would write down my goals, and then fail. I understood why I failed - I had too many things I expected myself to accomplish in the given time, or the standard to which I expected myself to accomplish those goals wasn't reasonable, or some of those goals were to please others so I didn't even want to acheive them. But understanding didn't help, I still failed.
The new idea the app gives is to set a goal percentage. It isn't succeed or fail, it's setting a standard for good enough. Freedom! I have about 8 goals I want to work on every day. My goal percentage is 50%. After a month, if I meet my goal percentage, I get a reward.
The reward is also a bit of a new idea for me. Sure, I've heard of other people doing nice things just for themselves, but that never applied to me. I saw only what I didn't do, or didn't do well enough, or someone else's need that I felt obliged to fulfil. So I only saw my failures, never my sucesses - partly because I didn't understand how to apply a standard other than All-or-Nothing to myself. I knew All-or-Nothing wasn't right - both objectively as a determiner of truth or reality, or subjectively as a way of life. But I couldn't conceive of an alternative way of looking at, well... anything.
This all ties back to the fibro/CF because I have had a rough week. The last 5 days I had so little energy it was all I could do to work on my 50% goals. But, I could still do that. Imagine, a life where even on my worst day I am clear about my priorities and reasonable about my expectations for myself!
I never thought this was possible. It's still hard because I feel inside all the pressure and guilt as always, but the external reality, the life I'm living... that's changing.
But it's not over. I have to be on guard. I have to work very hard to focus on the path I'm on rather than the destination. This part is my personality, which I share with most fibro/CF sufferers - I like to achieve, and I get frustrated when I can't meet my goals. So I have to really work hard to forgive myself for 'failing' to meet all my goals.
A new tool I'm using to help me with that is an android app called 'Goal Coach'. Using this app for goal-setting was the first time I came across the idea of a goal percentage. In the past I would write down my goals, and then fail. I understood why I failed - I had too many things I expected myself to accomplish in the given time, or the standard to which I expected myself to accomplish those goals wasn't reasonable, or some of those goals were to please others so I didn't even want to acheive them. But understanding didn't help, I still failed.
The new idea the app gives is to set a goal percentage. It isn't succeed or fail, it's setting a standard for good enough. Freedom! I have about 8 goals I want to work on every day. My goal percentage is 50%. After a month, if I meet my goal percentage, I get a reward.
The reward is also a bit of a new idea for me. Sure, I've heard of other people doing nice things just for themselves, but that never applied to me. I saw only what I didn't do, or didn't do well enough, or someone else's need that I felt obliged to fulfil. So I only saw my failures, never my sucesses - partly because I didn't understand how to apply a standard other than All-or-Nothing to myself. I knew All-or-Nothing wasn't right - both objectively as a determiner of truth or reality, or subjectively as a way of life. But I couldn't conceive of an alternative way of looking at, well... anything.
This all ties back to the fibro/CF because I have had a rough week. The last 5 days I had so little energy it was all I could do to work on my 50% goals. But, I could still do that. Imagine, a life where even on my worst day I am clear about my priorities and reasonable about my expectations for myself!
I never thought this was possible. It's still hard because I feel inside all the pressure and guilt as always, but the external reality, the life I'm living... that's changing.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Tips and Tricks for Self-Acceptance
Ok, so I haven't posted in a while... because I've been busy!! Another friend from Canada visited for 10 days, my husband is switching jobs, and we've bought a condo!! Plus my health is both up and down... again. So, lots on the go, as usual, but a little less introspective than usual.
I've been noticing that the emotional ups-and-downs have died down a bit, and a lot of that I feel is a result of my new smartphone. It's a life-changer! I downloaded some apps that help me keep track of all kinds of things, from how long and when I go to sleep to what I eat to when and if I meet my daily goals. And I love them! I am *finally* getting some perspective on myself.
Let me lay it out for you: Instead of setting a goal of getting up at 8:00 am, I am recording when I go to sleep and when I wake up. After a week or so, a pattern emerges. In my case, I rarely fall asleep before 1:00 am, and usually wake up at 10:00am. Yet, there is still a yo-yo pattern that has developed, where for a few days the falling asleep time remains the same, but I get up earlier and earlier, until it switches over, I either fall asleep quite late or sleep in quite late, or both... and then I fall asleep later and later and wake up at the same time until the same switch happens and the first pattern repeats.
No idea what it means, yet. But I have stopped making appointments that require me to be up and at 'em before 10:00am!
So I guess the tips and tricks I have for learning to accept yourself are these:
I've been noticing that the emotional ups-and-downs have died down a bit, and a lot of that I feel is a result of my new smartphone. It's a life-changer! I downloaded some apps that help me keep track of all kinds of things, from how long and when I go to sleep to what I eat to when and if I meet my daily goals. And I love them! I am *finally* getting some perspective on myself.
Let me lay it out for you: Instead of setting a goal of getting up at 8:00 am, I am recording when I go to sleep and when I wake up. After a week or so, a pattern emerges. In my case, I rarely fall asleep before 1:00 am, and usually wake up at 10:00am. Yet, there is still a yo-yo pattern that has developed, where for a few days the falling asleep time remains the same, but I get up earlier and earlier, until it switches over, I either fall asleep quite late or sleep in quite late, or both... and then I fall asleep later and later and wake up at the same time until the same switch happens and the first pattern repeats.
No idea what it means, yet. But I have stopped making appointments that require me to be up and at 'em before 10:00am!
So I guess the tips and tricks I have for learning to accept yourself are these:
- Get to know yourself.
- No expectations!
- No judgements!
- Pay attention.
- If there is something you want to change, find the most gentle way to approach that change.
- Don't be afraid of your faults.
- Don't be afraid of your wonderful qualities!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I'm an observer
I follow quite a few blogs. I like to keep track of people I admire, or find interesting, or funny. A recent post by Benny the Irish Polyglot got me thinking. He was writing that in order to fully experience life you have to go out there and live. Just go do stuff and just go talk to people.
I do lots of stuff and talk to lots of people. But I don't feel my life would be more deeply experienced by doing more or interacting more. In fact, the idea of doing more is not appealing at all. I don't think my life would be enriched by being busier or engaging more... I really enjoy the time that I spend not engaging and not doing anything!!
I enjoy watching some TV shows because I like to peer into other people's (made-up) lives. I like to sit around chatting with friends because I like to watch their (real) lives unfold. If I was out hiking or riding camels with my friends, I'd hope for pictures to help me remember what happened. I know myself, and I pay attention to what happens between me and my friends - not to what's going on around me. That's one of the reasons why I get lost going to someplace I've been many times before - I never noticed the route, only the conversation of my travelling companion.
I am an observer! I watch people, I think about things, I share my opinions, values, ideas, thoughts... but I don't have a desire to get out there and be part of it all. I'm part of what I want to be part of, and I enjoy it.
I still try to do things (and take pictures) because I am pleased to have stories to share and experiences that show me who I am. But I don't think anyone can offer me a life I'd rather lead.
I do lots of stuff and talk to lots of people. But I don't feel my life would be more deeply experienced by doing more or interacting more. In fact, the idea of doing more is not appealing at all. I don't think my life would be enriched by being busier or engaging more... I really enjoy the time that I spend not engaging and not doing anything!!
I enjoy watching some TV shows because I like to peer into other people's (made-up) lives. I like to sit around chatting with friends because I like to watch their (real) lives unfold. If I was out hiking or riding camels with my friends, I'd hope for pictures to help me remember what happened. I know myself, and I pay attention to what happens between me and my friends - not to what's going on around me. That's one of the reasons why I get lost going to someplace I've been many times before - I never noticed the route, only the conversation of my travelling companion.
I am an observer! I watch people, I think about things, I share my opinions, values, ideas, thoughts... but I don't have a desire to get out there and be part of it all. I'm part of what I want to be part of, and I enjoy it.
I still try to do things (and take pictures) because I am pleased to have stories to share and experiences that show me who I am. But I don't think anyone can offer me a life I'd rather lead.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Dare to be Loved
I've been having a few weeks of highs and lows! I'm back on medical leave due to stress (this happened several years ago, and two years after that the fibro blew up to the point that I was off work for a long time), my employer decided not to extend my contract - no big, I only wanted to stay if I got to work in the fitness, and I guess there were no opportunities for that for me, but still a bit of a surprise, and my life-coaching is getting more and more intense!
I have been watching the TV show Private Practice, and although I am usually offended by how silly the characters behave around sex and relationships, I find the plots intriguing - and I love most of the women's wardrobes! On a recent episode one character was explaining why she couldn't follow her heart: she had too many responsibilities. Another character responded by telling her that all those responsibilities were just excuses for her to not be loved.
I loved that. It's so true, at least for me! I get so busy achieving, and tell myself that achieving this or that will make me feel good... but of course it is never enough. I don't want to be the most successful, accomplished woman in the universe. I want to be loved! So achieving doesn't help me, it just distracts me.
And of course I am loved by others, no doubt about that. But often I don't feel that love, because I am still learning to love myself.
Time to stop trying to achieve and focus on enjoying myself - and enjoying me.
I have been watching the TV show Private Practice, and although I am usually offended by how silly the characters behave around sex and relationships, I find the plots intriguing - and I love most of the women's wardrobes! On a recent episode one character was explaining why she couldn't follow her heart: she had too many responsibilities. Another character responded by telling her that all those responsibilities were just excuses for her to not be loved.
I loved that. It's so true, at least for me! I get so busy achieving, and tell myself that achieving this or that will make me feel good... but of course it is never enough. I don't want to be the most successful, accomplished woman in the universe. I want to be loved! So achieving doesn't help me, it just distracts me.
And of course I am loved by others, no doubt about that. But often I don't feel that love, because I am still learning to love myself.
Time to stop trying to achieve and focus on enjoying myself - and enjoying me.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
All is Forgiven
What a relief! All the drama that has gradually been ebbing away from those two former friends is finally 99% gone! That 1% can linger as long as it needs to, it doesn't hurt at all.
I somehow just realized that nothing bad happened anyways.
I didn't like how either of them behaved, that's why I chose to no longer be friends. At the time what really caught my attention was how surprised (and hurt) I was that they behaved in hurtful ways. And that was the trigger for me to seek out learning about myself and what I value through my life coaching. So ultimately, I'm grateful for those two floozys* (floozies?) for helping me to see who I am more clearly. In a way, it was just a super-mean version of when Alex visited - I got confronted with an alternative image of myself and chose whether it fit or not.
And the image that now fits me is one of confidence and grace. I forgive those two so ultimately and completely because I see that they were just being themselves. The behaviour I didn't like I'd previously seen time and time again. The last time was just the last time for me, not the last time for them. Of course the kind of person I am is going to have run-ins with people I think behave selfishly, irresponsibly, dishonestly, or unkindly - especially those who backbite!!! And since I'd seen it with these two before, it was just a sign of my growth that I wasn't willing to have it in my life anymore. It was still surprising how hurt I was, but that's what sent me off to learn more, so no regrets!
I think now that I was looking at my friendships through rose-tinted glasses - I saw those qualities I didn't like, but thought it'll never happen to me. And then when it did, I was totally shocked, even though it was predictable. Of course I expected too much, there wasn't much that they had to give. What I find joyful about this experience is feeling excited about letting that rose-tint fade away until I have more clarity about the people around me. And what a delight to know there's nothing wrong with me! I just prefer to be close to people whose values are more compatible.
*As I read this post now, I feel that I've painted a very black-and-white picture. This is not intended as a good-evil polemic but to express my confidence and satisfaction these days and my lack thereof back then.... if that makes sense! And yup, floozy means exactly what I intend to convey!
I somehow just realized that nothing bad happened anyways.
I didn't like how either of them behaved, that's why I chose to no longer be friends. At the time what really caught my attention was how surprised (and hurt) I was that they behaved in hurtful ways. And that was the trigger for me to seek out learning about myself and what I value through my life coaching. So ultimately, I'm grateful for those two floozys* (floozies?) for helping me to see who I am more clearly. In a way, it was just a super-mean version of when Alex visited - I got confronted with an alternative image of myself and chose whether it fit or not.
And the image that now fits me is one of confidence and grace. I forgive those two so ultimately and completely because I see that they were just being themselves. The behaviour I didn't like I'd previously seen time and time again. The last time was just the last time for me, not the last time for them. Of course the kind of person I am is going to have run-ins with people I think behave selfishly, irresponsibly, dishonestly, or unkindly - especially those who backbite!!! And since I'd seen it with these two before, it was just a sign of my growth that I wasn't willing to have it in my life anymore. It was still surprising how hurt I was, but that's what sent me off to learn more, so no regrets!
I think now that I was looking at my friendships through rose-tinted glasses - I saw those qualities I didn't like, but thought it'll never happen to me. And then when it did, I was totally shocked, even though it was predictable. Of course I expected too much, there wasn't much that they had to give. What I find joyful about this experience is feeling excited about letting that rose-tint fade away until I have more clarity about the people around me. And what a delight to know there's nothing wrong with me! I just prefer to be close to people whose values are more compatible.
*As I read this post now, I feel that I've painted a very black-and-white picture. This is not intended as a good-evil polemic but to express my confidence and satisfaction these days and my lack thereof back then.... if that makes sense! And yup, floozy means exactly what I intend to convey!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Doing the Right Thing
I'm really starting to wonder if right is such a good guide to my life.
By right I mean the standard of just, honest, and honourable to which I hold myself. It's very high. And uncomfortable.
I found myself feeling so free the other day when I decided to just not do my French homework. It matters only to me if I do it, and I had a lot on the go and would have had to sacrifice precious downtime to do it. And even though I chose to take the French class, and expected homework, suddenly this responsibility was no fun at all. But that's why I took the class - to have fun. So I didn't do my homework.
And the world kept on turning.
Wow.
I felt a bit guilty, but also relieved. I don't have to be the perfect French student, I can be a mediocre French student. My priority isn't to be the best student, it's to have fun and enjoy learning.
I guess this is learning to set priorities. Doing right doesn't have to have the same status as other priorities all the time.
Perhaps seeing doing right as a character trait is better than seeing it as a priority. As a person, I feel satisfied with myself when I behave in certain ways. And I have found myself struggling to accept that others are satisfied with a life that I see as lesser. I find it very important to do right. I take pride in doing right. It's tough, but I'm strong.
And the more I enjoy my life, and my French class, the more I'm doing right.
And the more I enjoy my life, and my French class, the more I'm doing right.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Choices
In my last post I talked about how much better I felt choosing to make someone who hurt me less important (among other things).
I am so delighted to be learning about choices! I feel a lot of pressure, often, because of what I think is expected of me. I know it's really just me expecting too much of myself, but that doesn't solve the problem. Feeling that I can choose to think about this or that, or feel a certain feeling, or take a particular action - now that's new!
Crazy, huh!
I have often felt I am the gatekeeper of the world. I have a very big responsibility, obviously, to keep everyone safe and happy. I think it is my job to protect people from pain, to save them from their hurt, and to please them. Maybe that comes from stuff in my childhood - of course stuff from my past informs my now. But right now I want to focus on choices.
I can choose. Other people can choose. There might be right and wrong, and maybe I believe in a right or wrong more than some others. I am afraid of getting hurt, and I have made a lot of choices to protect myself, and people around me, from getting hurt. But getting hurt is not that big a deal anymore. It used to be, when I was a child, but now I'm grown up. I can choose to be ok with getting hurt.
I don't have to carry around hurt feelings forever. Or anger or unforgiveness. I can feel hurt, angry, and unforgiving, but it's not a commitment. I am committed, instead, to being happy.
I have all the things I need, and I am getting guidance and support to learn how to give myself this wonderful gift.
And I have heard a million times that people choose to be happy, or not. But I thought it was a moment, a beat where you felt sad or angry and told yourself to snap out of it. Now I think differently.
Now I think choosing to be happy is recognizing that choices lie everywhere, making the ones that take care of me, and letting others make their own. I can let others take their own path, even the wrong path, because it's their choice to make. And whatever path I choose to walk, it is my choice. Mine. So I want to spend my time and my energy doing what makes me happy, not what I think will protect me or someone else from hurt, or what will please someone else.
This is my life to live. And that is yours. Enjoy it.
I am so delighted to be learning about choices! I feel a lot of pressure, often, because of what I think is expected of me. I know it's really just me expecting too much of myself, but that doesn't solve the problem. Feeling that I can choose to think about this or that, or feel a certain feeling, or take a particular action - now that's new!
Crazy, huh!
I have often felt I am the gatekeeper of the world. I have a very big responsibility, obviously, to keep everyone safe and happy. I think it is my job to protect people from pain, to save them from their hurt, and to please them. Maybe that comes from stuff in my childhood - of course stuff from my past informs my now. But right now I want to focus on choices.
I can choose. Other people can choose. There might be right and wrong, and maybe I believe in a right or wrong more than some others. I am afraid of getting hurt, and I have made a lot of choices to protect myself, and people around me, from getting hurt. But getting hurt is not that big a deal anymore. It used to be, when I was a child, but now I'm grown up. I can choose to be ok with getting hurt.
I don't have to carry around hurt feelings forever. Or anger or unforgiveness. I can feel hurt, angry, and unforgiving, but it's not a commitment. I am committed, instead, to being happy.
I have all the things I need, and I am getting guidance and support to learn how to give myself this wonderful gift.
And I have heard a million times that people choose to be happy, or not. But I thought it was a moment, a beat where you felt sad or angry and told yourself to snap out of it. Now I think differently.
Now I think choosing to be happy is recognizing that choices lie everywhere, making the ones that take care of me, and letting others make their own. I can let others take their own path, even the wrong path, because it's their choice to make. And whatever path I choose to walk, it is my choice. Mine. So I want to spend my time and my energy doing what makes me happy, not what I think will protect me or someone else from hurt, or what will please someone else.
This is my life to live. And that is yours. Enjoy it.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
What's Important
The biggest problem with tough choices is that I'm pulled in so many directions.
I want to be happy. I want to do what is right. I want to be a loving person. I want to be a good friend. And I want to learn to think differently about what's bothering me, so that it doesn't bother me so much.
J says that he just makes people who hurt him less important. But I've had a habit of making people who hurt me MORE important. For me that's because I was hurt a lot when I was young, by my parents, and when you're a kid, of course your parents are very important. But I'm an adult now, and I can change that habit. I will never be hurt again like I was when I was a kid, because I'll never be that vulnerable again. So I don't have to protect myself from getting hurt.
So the situation I'm facing is my friend's new girlfriend, who is that former friend of mine who was unpleasant to me when I was going through a tough time and then refused to return my keys and bank pass for a couple of months. That got resolved after I called her mother and asked her to intervene. She's now moved from Canada to Holland, and is living with him.
I recently saw my friend for the first time since his girlfriend arrived here. We were able to arrange that because she went out of town for a few days.
He told me a few things that she told him about what happened, sort of letting me in on what he understands her perspective to be.
She told him that she was hurt that I didn't trust her to return my things. She told him that she had made several attempts to return the keys and bank pass but that my cousins hadn't responded to her. She told him that she didn't care if I visited him, but she didn't want to be friends with me because I hurt her so much.
I was very surprised to hear this. At first, I resented that she had told him about how she felt about me, and not me. And I felt really sad that I had hurt her. But you know, I tend to believe what people say, even when their actions say otherwise.
Her actions were to not reply to my emails for months. I sent her 5 or 6 emails over the course of about 3 months. Not only was I trying to heal our friendship, but I also asked her to please confirm that she had my keys and bank pass and that she would give them to my cousins. She told my friend/her boyfriend that she was just deleting my emails unread. If that's true, she only knew that she was supposed to return the keys and bank pass to my cousins as soon as possible.
She and her mother know my cousins. They both know the mom and the dad and the three adult children living at home. So she knew five different people she could contact to return my keys and bank pass. I hadn't told any of them the problems I was having with her, or that she just was refusing to reply to my emails. After all, it's none of their business. So they would have been just as loving and kind with her as they have always been over the years.
It would indeed surprise me if my cousins had ignored her requests to meet, since I was also in contact with my cousins who knew this was important to me. My cousins were replying to my emails and letting me know what was happening. And my cousins told me that she had made a couple of vague appointments but then just never showed up. So if this is a test of who-is-more-likely-to-be-telling-the-truth, then based on these facts, the believability lies slightly more with my cousins, if for no other reason than that they provided me with this information at the time.
I knew my former friend very well. She has lots of great qualities, but she isn't the most honest person. I have no idea if she's lied to me directly, but she told me many things about herself that began with, "So-and-so still thinks that this happened, because I lied about it. Really, something else happened." Now, that's her business, and she has the right to shape what people think about her in this way if that's what she wants to do. But back to the test of truth-telling: based on her character, she is less believable than my cousins.
So my conclusions are:
I notice that my anger and hurt is gone, as I realize that of course I need friends who are less likely to hurt me. I can't befriend everyone, and like financial investments, there are some friendships that depreciate in value over time. It's sad, but also like a financial investment, there is a point at which you need to move on.
And in order for me to do that, I have to recognize and accept that I tried to make this friendship work. I placed a high value on what was there, and made every effort to breathe life into it. But a friendship is a team effort, and I can't do it on my own. She had the opportunity to know how I felt, what I thought, and that I asked her to forgive me for whatever happened that made her angry or hurt. But she chose not to know those things, and I have to respect that. She had the choice to make this friendship work or not. I think she made the wrong choice, but it is her choice to make.
So what I need to do now is realize that she is not important in my life. She used to be, but not anymore. She's my friend's girlfriend, and when we visit him she might be around, but she doesn't matter. My friends and family matter, not people I used to know once upon a time.
Gak. I sure hope this is the end of this drama with her inside my head!
I want to be happy. I want to do what is right. I want to be a loving person. I want to be a good friend. And I want to learn to think differently about what's bothering me, so that it doesn't bother me so much.
J says that he just makes people who hurt him less important. But I've had a habit of making people who hurt me MORE important. For me that's because I was hurt a lot when I was young, by my parents, and when you're a kid, of course your parents are very important. But I'm an adult now, and I can change that habit. I will never be hurt again like I was when I was a kid, because I'll never be that vulnerable again. So I don't have to protect myself from getting hurt.
So the situation I'm facing is my friend's new girlfriend, who is that former friend of mine who was unpleasant to me when I was going through a tough time and then refused to return my keys and bank pass for a couple of months. That got resolved after I called her mother and asked her to intervene. She's now moved from Canada to Holland, and is living with him.
I recently saw my friend for the first time since his girlfriend arrived here. We were able to arrange that because she went out of town for a few days.
He told me a few things that she told him about what happened, sort of letting me in on what he understands her perspective to be.
She told him that she was hurt that I didn't trust her to return my things. She told him that she had made several attempts to return the keys and bank pass but that my cousins hadn't responded to her. She told him that she didn't care if I visited him, but she didn't want to be friends with me because I hurt her so much.
I was very surprised to hear this. At first, I resented that she had told him about how she felt about me, and not me. And I felt really sad that I had hurt her. But you know, I tend to believe what people say, even when their actions say otherwise.
Her actions were to not reply to my emails for months. I sent her 5 or 6 emails over the course of about 3 months. Not only was I trying to heal our friendship, but I also asked her to please confirm that she had my keys and bank pass and that she would give them to my cousins. She told my friend/her boyfriend that she was just deleting my emails unread. If that's true, she only knew that she was supposed to return the keys and bank pass to my cousins as soon as possible.
She and her mother know my cousins. They both know the mom and the dad and the three adult children living at home. So she knew five different people she could contact to return my keys and bank pass. I hadn't told any of them the problems I was having with her, or that she just was refusing to reply to my emails. After all, it's none of their business. So they would have been just as loving and kind with her as they have always been over the years.
It would indeed surprise me if my cousins had ignored her requests to meet, since I was also in contact with my cousins who knew this was important to me. My cousins were replying to my emails and letting me know what was happening. And my cousins told me that she had made a couple of vague appointments but then just never showed up. So if this is a test of who-is-more-likely-to-be-telling-the-truth, then based on these facts, the believability lies slightly more with my cousins, if for no other reason than that they provided me with this information at the time.
I knew my former friend very well. She has lots of great qualities, but she isn't the most honest person. I have no idea if she's lied to me directly, but she told me many things about herself that began with, "So-and-so still thinks that this happened, because I lied about it. Really, something else happened." Now, that's her business, and she has the right to shape what people think about her in this way if that's what she wants to do. But back to the test of truth-telling: based on her character, she is less believable than my cousins.
So my conclusions are:
- I think she probably was hurt by something I said or did.
Now, she had the chance to make things right between us, but didn't. She could have read my emails and learned what I was thinking and feeling. She could have told me what she was thinking and feeling. She didn't do those things, and I suspect that there are two reasons behind that. The first is, friendship isn't (or at least my friendship wasn't) that important to her, so when she got hurt, she just moved on. The second is that she did value my friendship, but when she got hurt she decided that the effort to talk about it with me was too much work for her, and moved on. - I think she is shaping what her new boyfriend thinks of her by saying what she thinks will make him think better of her.
I don't believe she really made the efforts she claimed to contact my cousins about the keys and bank pass. I don't think my apparent lack of trust in her was hurtful to her, or if so, that's really odd. If she didn't reply to her colleagues at work asking about a project she was handling, would she be hurt that her boss no longer assumed she was working on the assignement? She knew she had a responsibility to fulfil, and didn't make it happen - for months.
I notice that my anger and hurt is gone, as I realize that of course I need friends who are less likely to hurt me. I can't befriend everyone, and like financial investments, there are some friendships that depreciate in value over time. It's sad, but also like a financial investment, there is a point at which you need to move on.
And in order for me to do that, I have to recognize and accept that I tried to make this friendship work. I placed a high value on what was there, and made every effort to breathe life into it. But a friendship is a team effort, and I can't do it on my own. She had the opportunity to know how I felt, what I thought, and that I asked her to forgive me for whatever happened that made her angry or hurt. But she chose not to know those things, and I have to respect that. She had the choice to make this friendship work or not. I think she made the wrong choice, but it is her choice to make.
So what I need to do now is realize that she is not important in my life. She used to be, but not anymore. She's my friend's girlfriend, and when we visit him she might be around, but she doesn't matter. My friends and family matter, not people I used to know once upon a time.
Gak. I sure hope this is the end of this drama with her inside my head!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Success and Happiness
I've been thinking lately about success and happiness, and about some unhappiness, anger, and frustration that lingers in my life.
I think, for now, that I've got it figured out. (Spread the word, eh!)
It's about looking forward. A lot of inspirational quotes about success are about focusing on the future. For example:
"The successful always has a number of projects planned, to which he looks forward. Any one of them could change the course of his life overnight." ~ Mark Caine
"Would you like me to give you a formula for success? It's quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure. You are thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn't at all. You can be discouraged by failure or you can learn from it. So go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because remember that's where you will find success." ~ Thomas J. Watson
And everyone's favourite:
"Success is a journey, not a destination." ~ Ben Sweetland
I am just lately realizing that thinking about the past makes me unhappy. I think about how people should have behaved differently, how I could have done or said something to change what happened, how disappointed I was in others. And I relive those feelings of frustration, anger or hurt.
But to achieve anything, I have to move forward. And I can't move forward while looking backwards. So I have to focus on what I want and move in that direction. This is a challenge for me, because I want some things in my past to just be different. So no wonder I've been focusing on what happened before, because my attention and energy was directed at trying to change the past (as fruitless as that is).
So now with my new focus on giving myself a good foundation for my future, it makes sense that I would start to notice that a lot of energy was misdirected, and interfered with my life and thus my future. It is too bad that some people I used to know behaved in ways I find ... wrongful. But it is their bad. I have strong values and a strong character, and I am learning that lots of people don't have either. I can't fix their lack of values or lack of character, and wishing things were different doesn't change anything. I am not responsible for their conduct, only they are. As I am responsible for mine.
And starting now, I resolve to do myself the honour of freeing myself from the chains of the past and focusing on what matters - the bright future lying in wait for me.
I think, for now, that I've got it figured out. (Spread the word, eh!)
It's about looking forward. A lot of inspirational quotes about success are about focusing on the future. For example:
"The successful always has a number of projects planned, to which he looks forward. Any one of them could change the course of his life overnight." ~ Mark Caine
"Would you like me to give you a formula for success? It's quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure. You are thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn't at all. You can be discouraged by failure or you can learn from it. So go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because remember that's where you will find success." ~ Thomas J. Watson
And everyone's favourite:
"Success is a journey, not a destination." ~ Ben Sweetland
I am just lately realizing that thinking about the past makes me unhappy. I think about how people should have behaved differently, how I could have done or said something to change what happened, how disappointed I was in others. And I relive those feelings of frustration, anger or hurt.
But to achieve anything, I have to move forward. And I can't move forward while looking backwards. So I have to focus on what I want and move in that direction. This is a challenge for me, because I want some things in my past to just be different. So no wonder I've been focusing on what happened before, because my attention and energy was directed at trying to change the past (as fruitless as that is).
So now with my new focus on giving myself a good foundation for my future, it makes sense that I would start to notice that a lot of energy was misdirected, and interfered with my life and thus my future. It is too bad that some people I used to know behaved in ways I find ... wrongful. But it is their bad. I have strong values and a strong character, and I am learning that lots of people don't have either. I can't fix their lack of values or lack of character, and wishing things were different doesn't change anything. I am not responsible for their conduct, only they are. As I am responsible for mine.
And starting now, I resolve to do myself the honour of freeing myself from the chains of the past and focusing on what matters - the bright future lying in wait for me.
Monday, March 7, 2011
No Mo' Drama
As I've been moving along in my goal of putting myself first, I've realized how much I dislike conflict. I always knew I didn't like it, after all, who does? People who thrive on winning an argument often win nothing else, and like Dr. Phil says, "Do you wanna be right? Or do you wanna be happy?"
What I'm realizing most recently is that I also find it upsetting when my values conflict with another's. Perhaps because I see no resolution, after all, our values are central to how we engage in the world, so when I run into someone who has a fundamentally opposite approach to me, I don't really know where, or if, any middle ground might be.
I don't want to become someone who insists that everyone around me think as I do, that is so annoying! And boring, really. I love differences. But I suppose difference can go too far.
And when it comes right down to it, when I look at someone else's life and think it's just a soap opera, I don't want to be part of it.
Obviously, in most cases, how people raise their kids, relate to their spouses, or choose to spend their time and money, is none of my business. But most people don't cross my imaginary lines. From time to time, I feel trapped. I have had friends where, all of a sudden, I am shocked by what they set as a priority. It's not my place to say whether their priorities are right or wrong, but I guess I have to recognize that the friendship has shifted an awful lot for me to be shocked by them.
Perhaps the friend has gone through some changes recently, perhaps I just never noticed where their values lay. Perhaps the friendship was just never deep enough for me to know their character very well.
It's hard to love someone, to enjoy their company, and yet to find myself thinking, Hmmm... maybe I'm happier with you further away from my heart.
On the other hand, I do appreciate the growth I've made in this area. As sad as it is, it's still nice to recognize that I'm not wasting my time or energy, or hurting myself or my friend, by trying to make things different. I will honour the friendship by finding out more, and withholding judgement as much as I can. But if that friend's life is the soap opera I seem to have been seeing lately, I don't want to join the cast. I don't even want to watch. I'll just change the channel.
What I'm realizing most recently is that I also find it upsetting when my values conflict with another's. Perhaps because I see no resolution, after all, our values are central to how we engage in the world, so when I run into someone who has a fundamentally opposite approach to me, I don't really know where, or if, any middle ground might be.
I don't want to become someone who insists that everyone around me think as I do, that is so annoying! And boring, really. I love differences. But I suppose difference can go too far.
And when it comes right down to it, when I look at someone else's life and think it's just a soap opera, I don't want to be part of it.
Obviously, in most cases, how people raise their kids, relate to their spouses, or choose to spend their time and money, is none of my business. But most people don't cross my imaginary lines. From time to time, I feel trapped. I have had friends where, all of a sudden, I am shocked by what they set as a priority. It's not my place to say whether their priorities are right or wrong, but I guess I have to recognize that the friendship has shifted an awful lot for me to be shocked by them.
Perhaps the friend has gone through some changes recently, perhaps I just never noticed where their values lay. Perhaps the friendship was just never deep enough for me to know their character very well.
It's hard to love someone, to enjoy their company, and yet to find myself thinking, Hmmm... maybe I'm happier with you further away from my heart.
On the other hand, I do appreciate the growth I've made in this area. As sad as it is, it's still nice to recognize that I'm not wasting my time or energy, or hurting myself or my friend, by trying to make things different. I will honour the friendship by finding out more, and withholding judgement as much as I can. But if that friend's life is the soap opera I seem to have been seeing lately, I don't want to join the cast. I don't even want to watch. I'll just change the channel.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Let the Past Be
I recently got one of those forwarded emails from a friend, and glancing through it I was struck by something.
One of the lines says, "Don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future."
This really touched me, as I was recently thinking about those two women who used to be good friends and are no longer part of my life. I was thinking I'd like to find some way to honour the good times, sort of like a funeral. At a funeral you're sad that someone you love or who had meaning for you is gone, but you remember what you liked and enjoyed about that person. And whether their death is sudden, expected, or figurative, I think it can be the same. And in the case of a figurative funeral, the only difference is that the person is still alive, wandering the earth somewhere. It's just by choice that their lives no longer touch yours.
So here, in alphabetical order, are eulogies for my two friends, A & S, who have recently passed on.
I loved how funny A was. I remember so many giggles and hilariously confusing conversations! I liked feeling like a bit of big sister, helping her with a few things when I could. I loved just hanging around, talking about this and that or making plans for something. I remember how thoughtful she was. If she wasn't sure, she always used to err on the side of pitching in, offering to help, or bringing home dinner in case I hadn't eaten yet. She was terrific. She was curious about so many things, had an obsession with British royal history, and said whatever came to her mind.... which was sometimes entirely appropos, and sometimes shocking! I will miss the friend she was very much indeed.
S was so much fun! I remember so many talks, about so many things, interrupted only by sleep, homework, and somebody making the tea. She taught me to cook. She was so smart, I loved how articulate she was. I never had to explain the words I used, because she used them too. I remember laughing to the point of tears for no good reason, just because we were having fun together. I tend to be a pretty conservative person, so I thought she could be reckless, but the good I got out of that was to be a bit more adventurous. She was very driven and was a really hard worker. She found bugs very interesting, and tried to explain their little body parts, or their life-cycle, or motivation to appear on the kitchen counter to me while I stood there screaming for her to KILL IT! She was always willing to try and to help. I miss that terrific woman very much.
Although I am grateful for what was, there is indeed a reason why those two people didn't make it to my future. I'm grateful for that too. And now this chapter is closed.
I am so thankful for my wonderful friends and family. To those of you who are part of my past and my future, I love you, I respect you, and most of all, I enjoy you. A future with you in it is a future I am going to enjoy!
One of the lines says, "Don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future."
This really touched me, as I was recently thinking about those two women who used to be good friends and are no longer part of my life. I was thinking I'd like to find some way to honour the good times, sort of like a funeral. At a funeral you're sad that someone you love or who had meaning for you is gone, but you remember what you liked and enjoyed about that person. And whether their death is sudden, expected, or figurative, I think it can be the same. And in the case of a figurative funeral, the only difference is that the person is still alive, wandering the earth somewhere. It's just by choice that their lives no longer touch yours.
So here, in alphabetical order, are eulogies for my two friends, A & S, who have recently passed on.
I loved how funny A was. I remember so many giggles and hilariously confusing conversations! I liked feeling like a bit of big sister, helping her with a few things when I could. I loved just hanging around, talking about this and that or making plans for something. I remember how thoughtful she was. If she wasn't sure, she always used to err on the side of pitching in, offering to help, or bringing home dinner in case I hadn't eaten yet. She was terrific. She was curious about so many things, had an obsession with British royal history, and said whatever came to her mind.... which was sometimes entirely appropos, and sometimes shocking! I will miss the friend she was very much indeed.
S was so much fun! I remember so many talks, about so many things, interrupted only by sleep, homework, and somebody making the tea. She taught me to cook. She was so smart, I loved how articulate she was. I never had to explain the words I used, because she used them too. I remember laughing to the point of tears for no good reason, just because we were having fun together. I tend to be a pretty conservative person, so I thought she could be reckless, but the good I got out of that was to be a bit more adventurous. She was very driven and was a really hard worker. She found bugs very interesting, and tried to explain their little body parts, or their life-cycle, or motivation to appear on the kitchen counter to me while I stood there screaming for her to KILL IT! She was always willing to try and to help. I miss that terrific woman very much.
Although I am grateful for what was, there is indeed a reason why those two people didn't make it to my future. I'm grateful for that too. And now this chapter is closed.
I am so thankful for my wonderful friends and family. To those of you who are part of my past and my future, I love you, I respect you, and most of all, I enjoy you. A future with you in it is a future I am going to enjoy!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Highs and Lows
Another exciting installment in my never-boring life! Today is the first day of the Baha'i 19 day fast. I have participated for four years now. The two years before that, I was too ill to participate, and before that, I wasn't Baha'i.
Every year there are some days out of the 19 days that I don't fast. That's because once a woman gets her period, she is exempt from fasting. And given a 28 day cycle, most likely one of the 19 days of the fast is affected.
This year, I'd really prepared myself well. I've been feeling extra-tired the past two weeks, and have gradually been taking it a bit easier. I got J to help me plan out my activities so that I'm not overwhelmed. And I hired a professional to help with my nutrition and my workouts in general, as I was frustrated with not as much progress as I expected in the gym.
But, halfway through the first day of the fast, I got my period. Thanks. A week late, and I hadn't brought any food with me. Sigh. Part of me is a bit relieved - and believe me, I feel guilty about that! I've just been running on empty for so long, I am afraid to even try things that might be difficult. Which is silly, because when it comes right down to it, fasting isn't that difficult. It's just a new habit for a short time.
So, the adjustments I'll make are to:
Every year there are some days out of the 19 days that I don't fast. That's because once a woman gets her period, she is exempt from fasting. And given a 28 day cycle, most likely one of the 19 days of the fast is affected.
This year, I'd really prepared myself well. I've been feeling extra-tired the past two weeks, and have gradually been taking it a bit easier. I got J to help me plan out my activities so that I'm not overwhelmed. And I hired a professional to help with my nutrition and my workouts in general, as I was frustrated with not as much progress as I expected in the gym.
But, halfway through the first day of the fast, I got my period. Thanks. A week late, and I hadn't brought any food with me. Sigh. Part of me is a bit relieved - and believe me, I feel guilty about that! I've just been running on empty for so long, I am afraid to even try things that might be difficult. Which is silly, because when it comes right down to it, fasting isn't that difficult. It's just a new habit for a short time.
So, the adjustments I'll make are to:
- just start the fast when my period ends.
- stick with my cardio training program 3x week.
- add in weights when I feel my energy improving.
- follow the general guidelines my trainer gave me for nutrition, but have an extra meal or two during the daylight hours until I start the fast.
And I'll keep working on doing enough - not everything, not all, not perfect. Just ENOUGH.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Microcosm of My Life
This week was really exciting, but also a bit overwhelming. I've set aside the first half of 2o11 to focus on myself... really focus on myself. It feels quite weird, from time to time, but my goal is get to know myself and to give myself a good foundation for the rest of my life.
For my inner happiness I am exploring interests such as personal training, learning French, and socializing more. I'm also working with a life coach, which I've written about here and here, to learn how to love myself unconditionally.
For my physical happiness I am working with a physiotherapist to get limiting pain under management so I can freely pursue my fitness goals. I'm seeing a massage therapist regularly to help with pain management, relaxation and recovery. (I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes. I am currently relatively asymptomatic, and I'm working on keeping it that way!) I'm also back lifting weights a couple of times per week, after trying to focus on aerobic activity for a few weeks and finding that it's still not my cup of tea! I've also started working with a Cesar-therapeut.
What the heck is a Cesar-therapeut? That's what I asked when my massage therapist mentioned it. Therapeut means therapist in Dutch, but that didn't really clarify anything for me. So I googled it. Ummmm. Yeah.
Bravely, based much more on my massage therapist's suggestion than on any understanding of what might happen, I made an appointment. I had my first visit last week. I have never heard of any practitioner in Canada doing anything similar, so I just have to describe it. Basically, a Cesar-therapeut works with people to improve how they move. They work with all age groups in lots of different ways.
After getting me to strip to my undergarments and submit myself to her steely gaze from all angles, my therapeut looked up from her clipboard and said, "Well, you stick your butt out, so then your belly sticks out to compensate, and then you hold your upper-back too far back to compensate, and then you have to round your shoulders forward to compensate for that." I'd been wondering why I've lost a lot of body fat but still had a sticky-out belly!!
In about 5 minutes she had me doing a couple of exercises to correct all of that, that I'm supposed to keep doing on my own. I found it very interesting because the point of the therapy is to get my body moving more naturally - rather than still moving the way I did when I was compensating for intense, constant pain during a two-year-long fibro flareup. And for me to do that on my own, rather than ongoing visits. She wants me to not have to come back at all!
Another new thing that happened this week was an invitation from my boss' business partner to set up a marketing planning sesssion for our gym with the key players at work. This came out of a bunch of marketing ideas I described for them, just for kicks, a few months back. They thought I knew what I was talking about and I'm now exploring a third role at my job! Receptionist, personal trainer, marketing dynamo!
I also ran 5 billion errands, counselled my husband who was really in quite a funk for a few days, worked crazy shifts and had a meltdown about feeling so full of enthusiam and ideas and so stuck on what to do next! Also about my work schedule for next month, but that I resolved by telling the colleague who does up the shift schedule what my limitations are going to be from now on. Assertiveness is my middle name. Ha!
So yes, my life is in a state of limbo, and it drives me nuts. I like to KNOW everything. I don't like plans changing, I don't like the unexpected, I don't like the unknown. But, on the other hand, I am absolutely sure that I am on a great path, that I have a great partner, and that no matter what the future holds, I will be happy anyways!
For my inner happiness I am exploring interests such as personal training, learning French, and socializing more. I'm also working with a life coach, which I've written about here and here, to learn how to love myself unconditionally.
For my physical happiness I am working with a physiotherapist to get limiting pain under management so I can freely pursue my fitness goals. I'm seeing a massage therapist regularly to help with pain management, relaxation and recovery. (I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes. I am currently relatively asymptomatic, and I'm working on keeping it that way!) I'm also back lifting weights a couple of times per week, after trying to focus on aerobic activity for a few weeks and finding that it's still not my cup of tea! I've also started working with a Cesar-therapeut.
What the heck is a Cesar-therapeut? That's what I asked when my massage therapist mentioned it. Therapeut means therapist in Dutch, but that didn't really clarify anything for me. So I googled it. Ummmm. Yeah.
Bravely, based much more on my massage therapist's suggestion than on any understanding of what might happen, I made an appointment. I had my first visit last week. I have never heard of any practitioner in Canada doing anything similar, so I just have to describe it. Basically, a Cesar-therapeut works with people to improve how they move. They work with all age groups in lots of different ways.
After getting me to strip to my undergarments and submit myself to her steely gaze from all angles, my therapeut looked up from her clipboard and said, "Well, you stick your butt out, so then your belly sticks out to compensate, and then you hold your upper-back too far back to compensate, and then you have to round your shoulders forward to compensate for that." I'd been wondering why I've lost a lot of body fat but still had a sticky-out belly!!
In about 5 minutes she had me doing a couple of exercises to correct all of that, that I'm supposed to keep doing on my own. I found it very interesting because the point of the therapy is to get my body moving more naturally - rather than still moving the way I did when I was compensating for intense, constant pain during a two-year-long fibro flareup. And for me to do that on my own, rather than ongoing visits. She wants me to not have to come back at all!
Another new thing that happened this week was an invitation from my boss' business partner to set up a marketing planning sesssion for our gym with the key players at work. This came out of a bunch of marketing ideas I described for them, just for kicks, a few months back. They thought I knew what I was talking about and I'm now exploring a third role at my job! Receptionist, personal trainer, marketing dynamo!
I also ran 5 billion errands, counselled my husband who was really in quite a funk for a few days, worked crazy shifts and had a meltdown about feeling so full of enthusiam and ideas and so stuck on what to do next! Also about my work schedule for next month, but that I resolved by telling the colleague who does up the shift schedule what my limitations are going to be from now on. Assertiveness is my middle name. Ha!
So yes, my life is in a state of limbo, and it drives me nuts. I like to KNOW everything. I don't like plans changing, I don't like the unexpected, I don't like the unknown. But, on the other hand, I am absolutely sure that I am on a great path, that I have a great partner, and that no matter what the future holds, I will be happy anyways!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Dutch Work Culture
The first difference between working in Canada and working in Holland is that 99% of jobs are covered by a union contract. Sometimes the contract is specifically developed for a particular company. The big companies want contracts that cover their situation, such as having branch offices in another country. But if you are the sole employee at a restaurant, then you are covered by the restaurant workers' employment contract.
And when you get a job, you sign a one-year contract. The employer is obliged to keep you until the end of the contract, unless you do something egregious in which case they have the right to fire you. You can leave anytime, with one month's notice.
After the year, you get another contract. Same rules. If the employer isn't going to renew your contract, they let you know a month ahead.
The second difference between Canada and Holland are wages. In Holland you never need to tip, because all those restaurant workers covered under that contract earn enough to live on. The minimum wage here works out to about €8,50/hour. Which is about CDN$11.50/hour. Assuming a 35 hour work week, that's just over $20,000 annually. And while yes, Holland does have high taxes, they are progressive the same way as in Canada. We all get taxed the same on the first $x or €x that we earn, and then as people earn more they get taxed more on the amounts within the next tier. So no one in Holland legally earns less than $20,000/year, pro-rated for part-time workers.
A third difference is illness. When you are hired in Holland you get instructions on how to call in sick. Sometimes you call your boss, sometimes you call another company as well as your boss. In either case, you have to tell them what's wrong. You describe your symptoms and answer any questions they have about what medication you're taking, if you have a cough or a fever, etc. In Canada, your boss isn't allowed to ask you about your medical situation! Most jobs I held in Canada, I had to call in every day I was sick before 8am, and if I was sick more than three days I had to return to work with a doctor's note stating that I had been too ill to work on whatever dates. In Holland, once you've called in sick, you have to call in well again before they let you go back to work. If you're sick for quite a while, your company will send a doctor around to visit you. When you call in sick, you are expected to be at home until at least 2pm, at which time it is understood that you might have to leave the house to pick up your kids from school or get some groceries. Of course a doctor's appointment is an exception.
But the biggest difference is your relationship with your boss. Bosses in Holland care about having happy employees. Their job is to keep people happy and satisfied, and to work with them to find a solution if things aren't going as well as they could. Bosses' primary function is to make sure that the people who are supposed to be getting the work done are doing it well.
During the first year I lived here, I worked as a mail-deliverer. I was shocked when a Dutch friend suggested I talk to my boss when I was getting frustrated with my schedule. I had assumed I would have to just go get another job. I called my boss, who adjusted my contract, reduced my hours, and got me working in another area closer to home. He was happy to do so, and in fact had a couple of other suggestions that made my job easier as well. I just about fell over from the shock!
My next job was a receptionist in a busy gym, offering aerobics and spinning classes, fitness facilities, squash and tennis courts, a large lounge as well as a sauna and steamroom. I expected the language to be a big challenge, but the job itself was certainly not beyond my capabilities. What I have found most interesting is that my boss sees himself as equal to me. If I have a concern, a question, or feedback of any type, he is glad to hear it. He doesn't always agree with me (shock!) but he is absolutely open to how I see things. And this is just how things are in Holland. In talking with my Dutch colleagues, most of whom have work experience elsewhere, I have learned that Dutch bosses value employees who understand the business' priorities. And the best way to get employees to value the business' priorities, is for the business to value the employees.
We get presents at Christmas and we get compliments when things are going well. When things aren't going as well, we are invited to a meeting to figure out how we can do better. All ideas are welcome. I have to tell you, it's a wonderful feeling.
I worked for almost 20 years as a secretary in various positions in several companies in Canada. Twice, for about a year each time, have I had bosses that treated me with respect. That was, by far, the exception.
I was usually treated a bit like the photocopier - there, with a job to do, and very annoying if I broke down or didn't produce as fast as desired. In the course of those 20 years, I had two extremely bad bosses. What they shared in common was the idea that I had been hired to do their bidding. I got jobs such as going to another building to see if a key worked, or making photocopies of a schedule that had been used 30 years previously. Nothing wrong with those tasks, if it was part of something. But I was just told to have it done within the hour.
Good bosses, on the other hand, have treated me like a prized consultant. It was assumed that I could do whatever they asked, so they didn't waste my time or theirs breaking a job down into baby-steps. They told me their goal, and expected me to figure out how to reach it. It was a trusting relationship, and I loved the challenge. And they loved the results.
The two bad bosses? I wasn't the only secretary to leave within 3 months.
And when you get a job, you sign a one-year contract. The employer is obliged to keep you until the end of the contract, unless you do something egregious in which case they have the right to fire you. You can leave anytime, with one month's notice.
After the year, you get another contract. Same rules. If the employer isn't going to renew your contract, they let you know a month ahead.
The second difference between Canada and Holland are wages. In Holland you never need to tip, because all those restaurant workers covered under that contract earn enough to live on. The minimum wage here works out to about €8,50/hour. Which is about CDN$11.50/hour. Assuming a 35 hour work week, that's just over $20,000 annually. And while yes, Holland does have high taxes, they are progressive the same way as in Canada. We all get taxed the same on the first $x or €x that we earn, and then as people earn more they get taxed more on the amounts within the next tier. So no one in Holland legally earns less than $20,000/year, pro-rated for part-time workers.
A third difference is illness. When you are hired in Holland you get instructions on how to call in sick. Sometimes you call your boss, sometimes you call another company as well as your boss. In either case, you have to tell them what's wrong. You describe your symptoms and answer any questions they have about what medication you're taking, if you have a cough or a fever, etc. In Canada, your boss isn't allowed to ask you about your medical situation! Most jobs I held in Canada, I had to call in every day I was sick before 8am, and if I was sick more than three days I had to return to work with a doctor's note stating that I had been too ill to work on whatever dates. In Holland, once you've called in sick, you have to call in well again before they let you go back to work. If you're sick for quite a while, your company will send a doctor around to visit you. When you call in sick, you are expected to be at home until at least 2pm, at which time it is understood that you might have to leave the house to pick up your kids from school or get some groceries. Of course a doctor's appointment is an exception.
But the biggest difference is your relationship with your boss. Bosses in Holland care about having happy employees. Their job is to keep people happy and satisfied, and to work with them to find a solution if things aren't going as well as they could. Bosses' primary function is to make sure that the people who are supposed to be getting the work done are doing it well.
During the first year I lived here, I worked as a mail-deliverer. I was shocked when a Dutch friend suggested I talk to my boss when I was getting frustrated with my schedule. I had assumed I would have to just go get another job. I called my boss, who adjusted my contract, reduced my hours, and got me working in another area closer to home. He was happy to do so, and in fact had a couple of other suggestions that made my job easier as well. I just about fell over from the shock!
My next job was a receptionist in a busy gym, offering aerobics and spinning classes, fitness facilities, squash and tennis courts, a large lounge as well as a sauna and steamroom. I expected the language to be a big challenge, but the job itself was certainly not beyond my capabilities. What I have found most interesting is that my boss sees himself as equal to me. If I have a concern, a question, or feedback of any type, he is glad to hear it. He doesn't always agree with me (shock!) but he is absolutely open to how I see things. And this is just how things are in Holland. In talking with my Dutch colleagues, most of whom have work experience elsewhere, I have learned that Dutch bosses value employees who understand the business' priorities. And the best way to get employees to value the business' priorities, is for the business to value the employees.
We get presents at Christmas and we get compliments when things are going well. When things aren't going as well, we are invited to a meeting to figure out how we can do better. All ideas are welcome. I have to tell you, it's a wonderful feeling.
I worked for almost 20 years as a secretary in various positions in several companies in Canada. Twice, for about a year each time, have I had bosses that treated me with respect. That was, by far, the exception.
I was usually treated a bit like the photocopier - there, with a job to do, and very annoying if I broke down or didn't produce as fast as desired. In the course of those 20 years, I had two extremely bad bosses. What they shared in common was the idea that I had been hired to do their bidding. I got jobs such as going to another building to see if a key worked, or making photocopies of a schedule that had been used 30 years previously. Nothing wrong with those tasks, if it was part of something. But I was just told to have it done within the hour.
Good bosses, on the other hand, have treated me like a prized consultant. It was assumed that I could do whatever they asked, so they didn't waste my time or theirs breaking a job down into baby-steps. They told me their goal, and expected me to figure out how to reach it. It was a trusting relationship, and I loved the challenge. And they loved the results.
The two bad bosses? I wasn't the only secretary to leave within 3 months.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Whoooah on that Whew!
Sheesh... this whole thing with the former-friend refusing to return the keys and bank pass has gotten completely out of hand! I've decided to wait until Sunday, as I have some great plans I don't intend to let get ruined by this foolishness, and then I'll have to call her mom. If it doesn't get resolved very quickly by doing that, it's off to the police.
I know the police won't be able to do anything, and probably her mom won't either, but at least I'll have done everything possible to get my things returned.
I think I've let it get this far (about 2 months of unresponded to messages by me and my cousins who live nearby) out of trying to protect her from the embarassment of exposing her behaviour to others. But I have to stop doing what I think is 'right', and get on with doing what I need to do to make my life happy. And cutting off all contact with this person is exactly the right choice. After I get my keys and bankpass from her!!
And really, I'm just indulging in some wishful thinking if I believe someone who could behave this way for this long would be embarassed about it! Obviously it's her thing!
It's a good life lesson for me though, that people do change, and sometimes into untrustworthy and unpleasant people to be around. And when that happens, it's fair to make an effort to ask about the changes or for things to change back. Once.
Then take control of what I can take control of, and leave the mess for the one who made it to clean up.
I know the police won't be able to do anything, and probably her mom won't either, but at least I'll have done everything possible to get my things returned.
I think I've let it get this far (about 2 months of unresponded to messages by me and my cousins who live nearby) out of trying to protect her from the embarassment of exposing her behaviour to others. But I have to stop doing what I think is 'right', and get on with doing what I need to do to make my life happy. And cutting off all contact with this person is exactly the right choice. After I get my keys and bankpass from her!!
And really, I'm just indulging in some wishful thinking if I believe someone who could behave this way for this long would be embarassed about it! Obviously it's her thing!
It's a good life lesson for me though, that people do change, and sometimes into untrustworthy and unpleasant people to be around. And when that happens, it's fair to make an effort to ask about the changes or for things to change back. Once.
Then take control of what I can take control of, and leave the mess for the one who made it to clean up.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Forgive Me
This is the prayer I am studying to help me love myself. I am already perking up, but to keep the trend going I'm going to try to read this prayer at least once per week. I love how it makes me feel inside and out.
O my God! There is no one but Thee to allay the anguish of my soul, and Thou art my highest aspiration, O my God. My heart is wedded to none save Thee and such as Thou dost love. I solemnly declare that my life and death are both for Thee. Verily Thou art incomparable and hast no partner.
O my Lord! I beg Thee to forgive me for shutting myself out from Thee. By Thy glory and majesty, I have failed to befittingly recognize Thee and to worship Thee, while Thou dost make Thyself known unto me and callest me to remembrance as beseemeth Thy station. Grievous woe would betide me, O my Lord, wert Thou to take hold of me by reason of my misdeeds and trespasses. No helper do I know of other than Thee. No refuge do I have to flee to save Thee. None among Thy creatures can dare to intercede with Thyself without Thy leave. I hold fast to Thy love before Thy court, and, according to Thy bidding, I earnestly pray unto Thee as befitteth Thy glory. I beg Thee to heed my call as Thou hast promised me. Verily Thou art God; no God is there but Thee. Alone and unaided, Thou art independent of all created things. Neither can the devotion of Thy lovers profit Thee, nor the evil doings of the faithless harm Thee. Verily Thou art my God, He Who will never fail in His promise.
O my God! I beseech Thee by the evidences of Thy favor, to let me draw nigh to the sublime heights of Thy holy presence, and protect me from inclining myself toward the subtle allusions of aught else but Thee. Guide my steps, O my God, unto that which is acceptable and pleasing to Thee. Shield me, through Thy might, from the fury of Thy wrath and chastisement, and hold me back from entering habitations not desired by Thee.
The Báb
O my God! There is no one but Thee to allay the anguish of my soul, and Thou art my highest aspiration, O my God. My heart is wedded to none save Thee and such as Thou dost love. I solemnly declare that my life and death are both for Thee. Verily Thou art incomparable and hast no partner.
O my Lord! I beg Thee to forgive me for shutting myself out from Thee. By Thy glory and majesty, I have failed to befittingly recognize Thee and to worship Thee, while Thou dost make Thyself known unto me and callest me to remembrance as beseemeth Thy station. Grievous woe would betide me, O my Lord, wert Thou to take hold of me by reason of my misdeeds and trespasses. No helper do I know of other than Thee. No refuge do I have to flee to save Thee. None among Thy creatures can dare to intercede with Thyself without Thy leave. I hold fast to Thy love before Thy court, and, according to Thy bidding, I earnestly pray unto Thee as befitteth Thy glory. I beg Thee to heed my call as Thou hast promised me. Verily Thou art God; no God is there but Thee. Alone and unaided, Thou art independent of all created things. Neither can the devotion of Thy lovers profit Thee, nor the evil doings of the faithless harm Thee. Verily Thou art my God, He Who will never fail in His promise.
O my God! I beseech Thee by the evidences of Thy favor, to let me draw nigh to the sublime heights of Thy holy presence, and protect me from inclining myself toward the subtle allusions of aught else but Thee. Guide my steps, O my God, unto that which is acceptable and pleasing to Thee. Shield me, through Thy might, from the fury of Thy wrath and chastisement, and hold me back from entering habitations not desired by Thee.
The Báb
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Attempted Break-in!!
Some idiots tried to rob us!
We weren't home at the time, but our neighbours heard some suspicious noises. They looked out their window, and saw a couple of guys in our backyard. Then they heard a window break. They called the police immediately.
Another neighbour's teenage daughter was home alone, and heard about the police being called, so she called her older brother and told him about it, and asked him to come home.
He came, with his friend, his friend's large dog, and carried a screwdriver as a potential defensive weapon. They went over to our garden, and nothing seemed to be going on. They walked around again, and the police met them. The police arrested them as the suspects!
When we got home about 3 hours later, the father of the young man picked up by the police came over to our car to let us know what happened. I'm glad he did, because it was a bit upsetting to walk in even knowing what had happened.
No one actually came in, so of course nothing was stolen. But there was broken glass all over our back-door entry area, which is basically our kitchen/dining area. There was a huge stone in the kitchen, and a big dent in our fridge. The glass-setters had already been by, arranged by the police, and have put up temporary glass. But of course the temporary solution isn't weatherproof, and it is cold and drafty by the window now.
J went to the police station to file a report, even though we saw and know nothing. Filing a report with no information took him almost 45 minutes. He just shook his head that filling in paperwork takes so long, even when there is nothing to fill in!
So, we're shaken but not stirred. We're still walking carefully with shoes on, even though I am pretty sure I cleaned up every shard. I guess that careful feeling will last a while. I'm looking forward to moving back into an apartment when we get around to moving though!
We weren't home at the time, but our neighbours heard some suspicious noises. They looked out their window, and saw a couple of guys in our backyard. Then they heard a window break. They called the police immediately.
Another neighbour's teenage daughter was home alone, and heard about the police being called, so she called her older brother and told him about it, and asked him to come home.
He came, with his friend, his friend's large dog, and carried a screwdriver as a potential defensive weapon. They went over to our garden, and nothing seemed to be going on. They walked around again, and the police met them. The police arrested them as the suspects!
When we got home about 3 hours later, the father of the young man picked up by the police came over to our car to let us know what happened. I'm glad he did, because it was a bit upsetting to walk in even knowing what had happened.
No one actually came in, so of course nothing was stolen. But there was broken glass all over our back-door entry area, which is basically our kitchen/dining area. There was a huge stone in the kitchen, and a big dent in our fridge. The glass-setters had already been by, arranged by the police, and have put up temporary glass. But of course the temporary solution isn't weatherproof, and it is cold and drafty by the window now.
J went to the police station to file a report, even though we saw and know nothing. Filing a report with no information took him almost 45 minutes. He just shook his head that filling in paperwork takes so long, even when there is nothing to fill in!
So, we're shaken but not stirred. We're still walking carefully with shoes on, even though I am pretty sure I cleaned up every shard. I guess that careful feeling will last a while. I'm looking forward to moving back into an apartment when we get around to moving though!
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