Idealism in the Real World

Hello, my name is Anne-Marie, and I'm an idealist.

Have you ever heard of some people searching for a magic potion so they can become virgins again? I think idealism is the answer to that.

I am shocked, regularly, by people's behaviour. The same behaviour that shocked me yesterday, shocks me again today. No matter how often I see people cheat, lie, or steal, I'm shocked. No matter if the lie is small or big, the cheating is on a marriage or on a test, I'm shocked. Every day, the same experience hits me like a fresh ton of bricks!! I guess my innocence grows back at night.

How is it possible for people to choose to be less-than? And how can I learn to survive in that world?

I surround myself with people who, at least in general, find living up to my ideals easy. But my life extends beyond those I esteem and choose to keep close. I am regularly frustrated by the small, dishonourable acts of others. And there are at least 3 ocassions in my own life where I have behaved in a way that didn't follow the rules and where I feel that I might have been wrong. I have tried to justify that because the rules were stupid... but I'm not sure how just that argument is.

For example, I believe that all religions are one and that religious beliefs that are proclaimed more recently have a more directly relevant message from God. So the most recent Western religion, the Baha'i faith, which states that men and women are equal, is more true than previous religious claims that one sex has more or less rights than another. The only way that BOTH religious claims could be genuine messages from God would be if it has always been true that men and women are equal, it just didn't serve society at the time to assert that claim.

And that links back to my frustrated idealism in this way: If the rules of the day are wrong, then how wrong is it to break them? If it has always been true that men and women are equal, then it was wrong to ever allow conditions where this was not proclaimed.

But who am I to say: this is right, this is wrong? I know right from wrong, although it seems many do not. I know it is right to abide by the rules of the society I choose to be part of. But the rules are often wrong.

In Vancouver, where I used to live, it can be extremely difficult to find an apartment to rent or buy, because pets are usually not allowed. I think this is a foolish rule, there are lots of reasons why pets make life better and lots of reasons why a tenant or home-owner is a good or bad caretaker of the property which have nothing to do with owning a pet. That being said, having a pet is still breaking the rules. A stupid rule.

And I find some everyday things so frustrating. Purchasing an item that doesn't work, and being unable to exchange or return it. It may be wrong, but sometimes these small injustices just have to be lived with.

But how!!!

Highs and Lows

Another exciting installment in my never-boring life! Today is the first day of the Baha'i 19 day fast. I have participated for four years now. The two years before that, I was too ill to participate, and before that, I wasn't Baha'i.

Every year there are some days out of the 19 days that I don't fast. That's because once a woman gets her period, she is exempt from fasting. And given a 28 day cycle, most likely one of the 19 days of the fast is affected.

This year, I'd really prepared myself well. I've been feeling extra-tired the past two weeks, and have gradually been taking it a bit easier. I got J to help me plan out my activities so that I'm not overwhelmed. And I hired a professional to help with my nutrition and my workouts in general, as I was frustrated with not as much progress as I expected in the gym.

But, halfway through the first day of the fast, I got my period. Thanks. A week late, and I hadn't brought any food with me. Sigh. Part of me is a bit relieved - and believe me, I feel guilty about that! I've just been running on empty for so long, I am afraid to even try things that might be difficult. Which is silly, because when it comes right down to it, fasting isn't that difficult. It's just a new habit for a short time.

So, the adjustments I'll make are to:

1. just start the fast when my period ends.
2. stick with my cardio training program 3x week.
3. add in weights when I feel my energy improving.
4. follow the general guidelines my trainer gave me for nutrition, but have an extra meal or two during the daylight hours until I start the fast.

And I'll keep working on doing enough - not everything, not all, not perfect. Just ENOUGH.

Forgive Me

This is the prayer I am studying to help me love myself. I am already perking up, but to keep the trend going I'm going to try to read this prayer at least once per week. I love how it makes me feel inside and out.

O my God! There is no one but Thee to allay the anguish of my soul, and Thou art my highest aspiration, O my God. My heart is wedded to none save Thee and such as Thou dost love. I solemnly declare that my life and death are both for Thee. Verily Thou art incomparable and hast no partner.

O my Lord! I beg Thee to forgive me for shutting myself out from Thee. By Thy glory and majesty, I have failed to befittingly recognize Thee and to worship Thee, while Thou dost make Thyself known unto me and callest me to remembrance as beseemeth Thy station. Grievous woe would betide me, O my Lord, wert Thou to take hold of me by reason of my misdeeds and trespasses. No helper do I know of other than Thee. No refuge do I have to flee to save Thee. None among Thy creatures can dare to intercede with Thyself without Thy leave. I hold fast to Thy love before Thy court, and, according to Thy bidding, I earnestly pray unto Thee as befitteth Thy glory. I beg Thee to heed my call as Thou hast promised me. Verily Thou art God; no God is there but Thee. Alone and unaided, Thou art independent of all created things. Neither can the devotion of Thy lovers profit Thee, nor the evil doings of the faithless harm Thee. Verily Thou art my God, He Who will never fail in His promise.

O my God! I beseech Thee by the evidences of Thy favor, to let me draw nigh to the sublime heights of Thy holy presence, and protect me from inclining myself toward the subtle allusions of aught else but Thee. Guide my steps, O my God, unto that which is acceptable and pleasing to Thee. Shield me, through Thy might, from the fury of Thy wrath and chastisement, and hold me back from entering habitations not desired by Thee.

The Báb

Finally a Nice Day!

Today was such a pleasant day!

Even though I was pretty tired at waking-up-time, I still managed to drag myself out of bed. My husband was very annoying, all cheerful and everything first thing in the morning. I just can't understand people who are full of energy and enthusiasm before breakfast. And since it's wintertime, we don't see the sun until 8:30 or so in the morning... how is it possible to be full of the three Vs before breakfast or sunshine?? But I digress.

I then decided to check out the spinning class offered at my gym. Wow. I haven't done a spinning class in at least 10 years, if not longer. I always figured that I cycle so much just to get around (I live in Holland, remember? lol) that I'd rather do something else. But it was so challenging!! I have already developed strong love-hate feelings.

Then I relaxed with a cup of coffee, made my grocery/to-do list, and headed off to the supermarket. Shopping done, home to tidy up before guests came for lunch. One of my Bahá'í friends and her daughter and niece came by for a delicious 'wrap' session. We ate wraps and rapped about life and Bahá'í stuff, and shared some prayers!!

Once they left, I took the opportunity to chat with my mom for about an hour! My mom is such a great person. I really enjoy how much she's been enjoying her life lately.

Then I made a couple of appointments for myself. I made an appointment for an intake-session with a life-coach, an appointment for lunch with another Bahá'í friend - one I haven't seen for quite a while - and an appointment for a massage.

I love making such pleasant appointments for myself. Really makes getting up in the mornings that much easier!

Faith Lost and Found

I am a Bahá'í. That is the youngest independent world religion, and you can find out more about it here. I haven't been practicing my faith lately, and I think that is certainly one reason behind how I've been feeling lately.

I haven't lost faith in God. I believe that there is a God. I see that belief as a choice - I could just as easily not believe in God. But believing in God serves me well.

I see God as unconditional love, as inspiration and encouragement to be myself, as a truth that tells me I am precious and sufficient no matter what. But if you've been reading some of my recent posts, you have seen that that faith in myself has been missing.

One thing I love about being Bahá'í is that I am responsible for my own understanding of my faith. I am expected to use my reason to support my spiritual development. I might have understandings and specific beliefs that differ from other Bahá'ís, but that's okay. I really like that!

I now feel that I need to turn to God to fill up my love bucket. Even though I think of God as external to me, I also think of God as part of me. And allowing myself to be loved by God is the first step to loving me. After all, God's love is unconditional and everpresent - I just have to seek it out. And the same goes for loving myself.