Let the Past Be

I recently got one of those forwarded emails from a friend, and glancing through it I was struck by something.

One of the lines says, "Don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future."

This really touched me, as I was recently thinking about those two women who used to be good friends and are no longer part of my life. I was thinking I'd like to find some way to honour the good times, sort of like a funeral. At a funeral you're sad that someone you love or who had meaning for you is gone, but you remember what you liked and enjoyed about that person. And whether their death is sudden, expected, or figurative, I think it can be the same. And in the case of a figurative funeral, the only difference is that the person is still alive, wandering the earth somewhere. It's just by choice that their lives no longer touch yours.

So here, in alphabetical order, are eulogies for my two friends, A & S, who have recently passed on.

I loved how funny A was. I remember so many giggles and hilariously confusing conversations! I liked feeling like a bit of big sister, helping her with a few things when I could. I loved just hanging around, talking about this and that or making plans for something. I remember how thoughtful she was. If she wasn't sure, she always used to err on the side of pitching in, offering to help, or bringing home dinner in case I hadn't eaten yet. She was terrific. She was curious about so many things, had an obsession with British royal history, and said whatever came to her mind.... which was sometimes entirely appropos, and sometimes shocking! I will miss the friend she was very much indeed.

S was so much fun! I remember so many talks, about so many things, interrupted only by sleep, homework, and somebody making the tea. She taught me to cook. She was so smart, I loved how articulate she was. I never had to explain the words I used, because she used them too. I remember laughing to the point of tears for no good reason, just because we were having fun together. I tend to be a pretty conservative person, so I thought she could be reckless, but the good I got out of that was to be a bit more adventurous. She was very driven and was a really hard worker. She found bugs very interesting, and tried to explain their little body parts, or their life-cycle, or motivation to appear on the kitchen counter to me while I stood there screaming for her to KILL IT! She was always willing to try and to help. I miss that terrific woman very much.

Although I am grateful for what was, there is indeed a reason why those two people didn't make it to my future. I'm grateful for that too. And now this chapter is closed.

I am so thankful for my wonderful friends and family. To those of you who are part of my past and my future, I love you, I respect you, and most of all, I enjoy you. A future with you in it is a future I am going to enjoy!

Thrilled! Just Thrilled!

Do I ever have some fantastic news!!

I have been offered a gig at my gym leading the Senioren Fit (obvious translation probably, but it's the Senior's Fitness) Monday mornings!

I'm a real personal trainer... with a JOB!

I still lack in confidence - but I'm like that. Until I am awesome at something, I think I suck. But my boss thinks I can do a great job, the seniors love me (awww) and I can improve my sports-Dutch as well as my ability to lead a group of really fun people. None of them are good followers, but they try and seem to like a little bit of change and challenge, so they'll keep me hopping!

There is also talk of another hour or two, as-needed, to work with individual clients on their own fitness programs.

I'm so pleased with myself and how my life is going. There are so many struggles I have every day, over small things such as laundry or what to have for dinner, but the big picture... man, is that ever a beautiful sight!

And I am learning about what really matters. I can be such a perfectionist, and I can lose sleep about things that might go wrong... or I can make another choice. I can see what a great life I have, how full it is with wonderful friends and family, and how it keeps getting better and better!!

What can a Life Coach do for me?

A few weeks ago I had my intake appointment with Marloes Elbrink, Life Coach with Stekker Coaching. That's her on the right. She was a bit younger than I expected, dressed fashionably and casually, as seems the norm here in Holland. She greeted me, showed me to our meeting room, and offered me a beverage. Then she got down to business.

She invited me to talk about why I was looking for help at all. I told her about how stressful the last few months had been, and that I knew something needed to change, but I didn't know what. I explained that I had been to talk-therapy in the past, and although extremely useful intellectually, I wanted something more practical. I noticed right away that her style of interacting with me was very different than what I had experienced with talk-therapy.

As I told her about some of the things that had happened, I felt myself re-living the events, and of course there were tears, anger, hurt and frustration. In talk-therapy, that had been a place to sit and dwell a while. Not so with Marloes! No, instead she would sum up what I had said, and then ask leading questions. I found this very helpful for two reasons. First, I don't actually enjoy feeling angry or hurt so I was glad to move on. And secondly, she 'validated' my feelings and at the same time, invited (expected) me to use my creativity and intelligence to move on. I guess I wasn't feeling too able to do that on my own.

Once we had chatted for a while, and we both thought that she knew enough about me and understood what was bothering me, she gave me an assignment. It was a toughie!! I was given a set of pencil crayons, shown to a large easel, and asked to draw a tree that I felt represented me in my life now.

I didn't feel at all that the assignment was silly, but I did struggle to even begin. A lot of thoughts swirled in my head, from how to make a 'perfect' representation to where to begin and why. Finally I drew something like this:


Then we talked about my tree. I explained that this was actually a tree to be very proud of. After all, look how much it has achieved! It is nice and tall, with lots of beautiful green leaves. And it grew even without any roots at all, and kept growing and achieving lots of things, which is why it is so tall. But all those achievements up in the air, lacking good support from the roots up to the achievements makes my tree vulnerable to the wind or other external events. So then I drew my 'ideal' tree:

As you can see, this is a totally awesome tree. It has a great root system, a nice strong trunk, and can easily support all of its beautiful leaves. If a storm came by, this tree would do just fine.

I was really surprised at how touching and meaningful I found this exercise. As a result, I have made a commitment to myself to focus on re-building a strong foundation for myself. I am putting what I need to build my base as my first priority in all things.

Fear Doesn't Stop Me

So I did have to call that former friend's mother to get my keys and bank-pass back. I found the whole experience very upsetting, but I am glad that my life is not cluttered with someone like A anymore.

I know A's mother personally, in fact, she's also known as my Vancouver-mom. She's also my real-estate agent, and a fine one at that. I had asked her to handle selling my Canadian property prior to all of this blowing up with A, and I have to admit, I was nervous about going forward since I knew her through A.

Of course, she and my mother know each other, and she came to my wedding as my guest, so my personal and professional relationship with her has nothing to do with her kid. But still.

It was really tough to call her. I felt there was a lot at risk. For one thing, calling her and asking for her help in dealing with A was my final surrender that good times, trust, or even basic human interactions with A were a thing of the past. I had to admit to myself that A is no longer someone that has meaning in my life. I also felt a bit uncertain asking for help in dealing with her. A's behaviour had become so bizarre that I couldn't handle it on my own.

Now, perhaps A's refusal to speak to me is not in itself bizarre, but to refuse to speak to me or to my cousins, and to refuse to return house keys and a bank-pass... that is not just unpleasant and passive-aggressive and childish, but aggressively irresponsible! And none of those things were what I expected from A. So, while that unpleasant surprise is disappointing, at least I know more now.

I was also a bit fearful that A's mom would have chosen sides in some way, and be unable to maintain our relationship. That would be too bad no matter what, but it would also be very inconvenient to search for a new real estate agent I could trust, from Holland.

Fortunately, A's mom was pleased to hear from me as usual, and happily offered to help me get my things returned to my cousin, and assured me that A had nothing to do with us.

I'm really glad that J encouraged me to rehearse what I wanted to accomplish, so that I didn't drag A's mom into my sadness or hurt over A's behaviour. And that I made the call and got what I needed done. I'd already delayed several weeks because I knew A's new boyfriend was visiting, and it was Christmas and then New Year's and I didn't want to be causing her a problem.

How nice of me.... especially when I now see that my being so thoughtful was actually just avoiding a confrontation. Sigh.

But I did it. I was nervous and uncertain, and I did it anyway. Isn't that great! And A dropped everything off with a cousin the next day. Yay!

Parenthood

My own value system, perhaps based on what it's like to be raised by people with a different set of values, includes the following:

1. Don't have a kid if you aren't willing to make this new person a very high priority for the next 20 years.
2. If things don't work out with a partner but you have a kid together, you still have to make the kid a priority until the kid is 20.
3. I don't care how great your new partner is, a new relationship and/or a new kid does not mean the old kid is any less of a priority.
4. By priority, I mean spend time being a parent. I don't mean money.
5. By being a parent, I mean be consistent, listen, and remember that a kid is a kid, not a small adult.
6. Giving a kid what they want is usually a bad idea. Giving a kid what they need means YOU have to be responsible and help them grow.
   
7. If you are choosing between caring for your kid or anything else, you're looking at your life wrong.
8. Being a parent is important. Anyone can contribute DNA, but not everyone should. Know thyself (and your partner!).
9. It doesn't matter if your kid likes you. If you are trying to please your kid, you're looking at your life wrong.
10. If you've been CONSISTENT while they were little, as they get older all you'll have to do is LISTEN and LOVE. If not, you may want to put 9-1-1 on speeddial.
    

I Married the Best Guy Ever

I've been married two years now. I am still surprised to this day at what a great choice I made when I chose him.

He thinks I'm wonderful and interesting. I can do no wrong. Well, I can annoy him, and he doesn't like how I behave sometimes, but he still thinks I get up in the morning and hang out the sun.

He is interested when I'm sobbing and snotting about something, when I'm angry, when I'm happy, and when he hasn't seen me for a few hours. He wants to help me be happy, and will gladly make an effort to make my life easier. He appreciates all the things I do to make his life easier and more joyful.

What I love most about our relationship is that I know all of those qualities he shows are his choice. He chooses to be interested in me, he chooses to make the effort for us to work, he chooses to appreciate me.

And he's sexy as all get out!

I sometimes take him, and us, for granted. And when I catch myself doing that, I make the effort again to take an interest, to make the effort, to appreciate him. And he knows that I choose him, every day. At least, he better!!

Evening with Friends

We always have such a nice time when we visit our friends Ed & Els. They have two sons, which lets us peek in on our own future as we prepare to start our own family. They are very nice people, and we don't do anything particularly special, but I enjoy it so much.

Here is the pattern. We show up around 4-5 pm. We socialize a bit. I find it very interesting to see how the kids have changed since the last visit. The most recent visit, the older son had just started to talk, and the younger kid was really showing his personality by his crazy crawl (one knee, one foot) and moving fast towards anything that caught his eye.

Another fun thing about Ed and Els is to talk to them about what's changed in their lives with the addition of children. We've really learned that it seems to depend on your lifestyle. If you mostly like hanging around at home, or doing more simple things, then not a huge amount changes. If we were people who went out to dinner or to the theatre or clubbing most days of the week, or travelled so much that we were barely home, then kids would get in the way of our lifestyle.

Interesting!

Then we have dinner, usually something fairly simple or prepared ahead so that time in the kitchen is less. Then we have a small dessert (chocolate mousse last time mmmm). Then a bit more chat, the kids are put to bed, and out come the card games.



Our current favourite is Tichu. Very complicated, but now that I've played 4-5 games, involving at least 10 rounds each game, I'm much better. Not yet a good player, but not a weak player anymore. Yay me! The game itself takes between 40 minutes to an hour and a half to play. Usually we have chips and dip... and I drink Diet Coke to offset all the junk food!

Another fun game we've played is Guillotine. That was fun, chopping people's head off! Not complicated, and a game takes only around 30 minutes to play.

J and I have recently decided to start playing more games together. We've been to a couple of game nights at friends, and always have fun. It's nice if we know the people a bit, and develop our friendship at the same time. J is a bit of a game freak, but I like the balance of getting to know people a bit better as we go along as well.

Finally a Nice Day!

Today was such a pleasant day!

Even though I was pretty tired at waking-up-time, I still managed to drag myself out of bed. My husband was very annoying, all cheerful and everything first thing in the morning. I just can't understand people who are full of energy and enthusiasm before breakfast. And since it's wintertime, we don't see the sun until 8:30 or so in the morning... how is it possible to be full of the three Vs before breakfast or sunshine?? But I digress.

I then decided to check out the spinning class offered at my gym. Wow. I haven't done a spinning class in at least 10 years, if not longer. I always figured that I cycle so much just to get around (I live in Holland, remember? lol) that I'd rather do something else. But it was so challenging!! I have already developed strong love-hate feelings.

Then I relaxed with a cup of coffee, made my grocery/to-do list, and headed off to the supermarket. Shopping done, home to tidy up before guests came for lunch. One of my Bahá'í friends and her daughter and niece came by for a delicious 'wrap' session. We ate wraps and rapped about life and Bahá'í stuff, and shared some prayers!!

Once they left, I took the opportunity to chat with my mom for about an hour! My mom is such a great person. I really enjoy how much she's been enjoying her life lately.

Then I made a couple of appointments for myself. I made an appointment for an intake-session with a life-coach, an appointment for lunch with another Bahá'í friend - one I haven't seen for quite a while - and an appointment for a massage.

I love making such pleasant appointments for myself. Really makes getting up in the mornings that much easier!

Time for Me

Just before Christmas, J and I were visiting my MIL and SIL for his birthday, and I had a bit of a meltdown. I'm so blessed to have married into such a wonderful, loving family, and even though I went through a couple of kleenexes, it still was totally ok!

I was telling them, and J as well, how tough the last few months had been, and how I was fed up with feeling so unimportant and unloved. Being loving and treating my friends and family as important really matters to me, and to feel that I was being taken advantage of, that no one was to be trusted, well... that was a real shock to me.

My MIL suggested that I spend some time putting myself first. She suggested taking classes or a workshop that focus on changing your attitudes or awareness. She and my SIL told me how they really understood how I felt, and that people you love can disappoint you in ways that mean the relationship is forever scarred. And they reminded me that I am not scarred or damaged, that I am wonderful and that it is my job to go out and live a wonderful life.

I plan to. I'm just not sure how... yet.

A Dutch Christmas

Christmas is far less important in Holland than what I was used to in Canada. And I am lucky enough to have awesome in-laws with whom to spend Christmas!!!

Saturday afternoon, the tweede Kerstdag, we headed over to my mother-in-law's apartment in downtown Leiden, and were greeted with three kisses, a hug, and a cup of tea. As a Dutch friend of mine explained, Dutch people always offer a cup of tea or coffee before you've had time to take your coat off because they worry you may have travelled as much as 30 minutes to get to their home, and are thus on the verge of falling faint with exertion. Canadians will laugh at that, given that it takes 30 minutes just to get to the grocery store. A few hours travel to visit a friend or family member is not unusual!

Exchanging gifts for Christmas isn't a tradition within our family, but I don't know if that is just our family or all Dutch people. We did have a special meal, but it was nothing traditional, just very nice. My sister-in-law is a wonderful cook, and always prepares a meal that is not just delicious but also looks great. I'm a great cook too, but I tend to plop my meals on the plate, whereas hers are much prettier to look at! Unfortunately, my laundry is a little behind so I was wearing my tight pants... and couldn't eat as much as I wanted!

We then played games. We played a game with quiz questions about the Elfstedentocht, which, suprisingly, I did fairly well at. Until the end, when one roll away from the end, I got a bad-luck card and had to return to the beginning. Sigh. We played the boardgame for Ik hou van Holland, which I actually won!! Which is a surprise, since the only answers I could really give were guesses! Then we played a game about grocery shopping which was a bit silly, and then Dutch Scrabble... I came in last, but with only 17 points between me and the winner!! I'm quite proud of my Dutch language skills!

Then we chatted a bit longer, and went to bed. The next morning the four of us walked around a couple of neighbourhoods in Leiden as my husband and I are thinking of moving there. And then Sunday afternoon we headed home.

It was nice and relaxed (and delicious) and all done in Dutch! I'm so blessed with a wonderful family in Holland!