Thursday, December 16, 2010

Am I blind?

It is not easy right now to be me. I feel like a bit of an alien visitor in my own life. People I used to love and feel close to are drifting away - some exploding away, and I sure don't like it. On the other hand, perhaps they aren't who I thought they were. I can be a bit pollyanna-ish, seeing the world, or at least my friends, through rose-coloured glasses. And usually I like that! I like to look on the bright side, accentuate the positive, walk on the sunny side of the street. But maybe I took focussing on the nice too far. A now-former friend, who I had thought was so great, sent me an email in which she explained how she had never really liked me very much anyway. For the last five years, she had felt unable to end our friendship because no one else liked me and she felt sorry for me.

Wow, huh? I'm sure she was just saying mean things, but still. That I was friends with someone who could say such mean things!

Then another friend, also via email (maybe I would be happier if I didn't read my email!) accused me of wanting so much of her time and attention she felt she had to choose between her university schooling or being my friend. I had recently invited her (code name: S.) to my birthday party - to which she didn't come because she went partying the night before and wasn't up to it. That friendship was much better when she lived in another part of the country. She also had some mean things to say, basically that my world was small and petty. I think that was because I clean my bathroom every day and checked in on my ill husband regularly the last time I'd seen her. So actually, she's the selfish one, but still... I was surprised at all the scathing invective she wrote. It was like that scene in Adventures in Babysitting, where the near-sighted friend suddenly realizes she's been cuddling a large rat and not a kitten at all! How could I have been that near-sighted?

Then others are just busy with their own lives, and have no time for me or mine. Understandable, but sad nonetheless.

Sigh. Some stages in life are just lonely.

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