I'm an observer

I follow quite a few blogs. I like to keep track of people I admire, or find interesting, or funny. A recent post by Benny the Irish Polyglot got me thinking. He was writing that in order to fully experience life you have to go out there and live. Just go do stuff and just go talk to people.

I do lots of stuff and talk to lots of people. But I don't feel my life would be more deeply experienced by doing more or interacting more. In fact, the idea of doing more is not appealing at all. I don't think my life would be enriched by being busier or engaging more... I really enjoy the time that I spend not engaging and not doing anything!!

I enjoy watching some TV shows because I like to peer into other people's (made-up) lives. I like to sit around chatting with friends because I like to watch their (real) lives unfold. If I was out hiking or riding camels with my friends, I'd hope for pictures to help me remember what happened. I know myself, and I pay attention to what happens between me and my friends - not to what's going on around me. That's one of the reasons why I get lost going to someplace I've been many times before - I never noticed the route, only the conversation of my travelling companion.

I am an observer! I watch people, I think about things, I share my opinions, values, ideas, thoughts... but I don't have a desire to get out there and be part of it all. I'm part of what I want to be part of, and I enjoy it.

I still try to do things (and take pictures) because I am pleased to have stories to share and experiences that show me who I am. But I don't think anyone can offer me a life I'd rather lead.

Dare to be Loved

I've been having a few weeks of highs and lows! I'm back on medical leave due to stress (this happened several years ago, and two years after that the fibro blew up to the point that I was off work for a long time), my employer decided not to extend my contract - no big, I only wanted to stay if I got to work in the fitness, and I guess there were no opportunities for that for me, but still a bit of a surprise, and my life-coaching is getting more and more intense!

I have been watching the TV show Private Practice, and although I am usually offended by how silly the characters behave around sex and relationships, I find the plots intriguing - and I love most of the women's wardrobes! On a recent episode one character was explaining why she couldn't follow her heart: she had too many responsibilities. Another character responded by telling her that all those responsibilities were just excuses for her to not be loved.

I loved that. It's so true, at least for me! I get so busy achieving, and tell myself that achieving this or that will make me feel good... but of course it is never enough. I don't want to be the most successful, accomplished woman in the universe. I want to be loved! So achieving doesn't help me, it just distracts me.

And of course I am loved by others, no doubt about that. But often I don't feel that love, because I am still learning to love myself.

Time to stop trying to achieve and focus on enjoying myself - and enjoying me.

Stop the World, I Want to Get Off

I am so done. Everywhere I turn I see stuff I'm in the middle of! I know it's all leading somewhere good, but I have to learn how to set limits.

I feel that I barely get time to rest before it's time to start up again. I miss my husband!! I haven't socialized with my friends in a while. My weekends are booked, my evenings are booked, my days are full, and I am pooped.

Everything in my agenda is something I want to do. My husband thinks I do a lot, meanwhile I look at my living room and see the mess I didn't clean up. Yet. And it's 1am.

I am really curious about how to change my attitude here. I can see that it's bad for me. Trying to do too much at once is such a pitfall for me. Sure, it's all good, fun, interesting stuff. But too much means I don't get to relax into each thing, because I have to work on whatever it is right now so that it's done in time. Too much means I don't get enough sleep, and that I feel stressed when I'm awake.

But how can I say no to a good thing? I seem to have no sense of time. All of you who have waited for me know that already!! But I mean a sense of time in a more transcendental sense. I can't set a priority, because I seem to see everything as happening all once. As though life is not a series of events, but a herd of buffalo stampeding over me. I see no cycles, no growth, only sudden and unexpected happenings.

Well, now that I write that, I realize I am starting to slowly see some cycles and some growth, but mostly I feel that I experience life all at once. It's really very tiring.

Help!

Wanna Get Fit?

Wanna get fit? Just call me! I earned my Personal Trainer Certificate with a score of 92% on the exam. I still have lots to learn, and I hope I always feel that way! It's so exciting to know that I have a solid base, and have lots of options for my own growth while guiding others to reach their own goals!

For my own development as a trainer, I currently have four goals.

1. Find the beginning, and start there.
   
2. Keep it simple.
   
3. Keep it short.
   
4. Keep it fun.

Each client has their own starting point. If I were to get a job working in a gym similar to where I work now, most clients are not very informed or interested in fitness. Most clients come to the gym for their health, for their appearance, or for fun with their friends. In contrast, I go to the gym because I really enjoy how proud I feel lifting increasingly heavy weights, or testing my limits with interval training.

So what I have to keep in mind is that a potential client will fall anywhere along the myriad continua of fit-unfit, informed-uninformed, experienced-inexperienced, and enjoyment of working out. What they all have in common is an interest in getting or staying fit.

I am developing a fairly standard set of questions that cover what I need to know about my client before developing a plan. I need to know about their health, their eating habits and activity level, what activities they enjoy, and their goals. I also need to know what they 'know' about fitness. Oftentimes people don't realize that information has changed, or that they've misunderstood something. Not every question needs to be asked, some would only come up if the client asked about it.

It's important to start with the basics.

• Why is the client here?
  
• What do they already do in support of their goal?
  
• What is the thinking behind what they're doing?
  
• Is it getting them what they want?
  
• What are their limitations?

Some friends have volunteered to be guinea pigs, and hopefully a few more will be taking the plunge! It doesn't matter too much for now whether they are Dutch or English speaking. I can't wait to see what I can learn from them!

Getting My Life Coached

Wow! Let me just say I was really excited after my first 'official' session with Marloes (see here for the first part of the story). We talked about a number of things, but what really stood out was an exercise with cards! Not playing cards, exactly, but this set of cards.

I found the English image on the right online, but I could only find information about this game in Dutch (left).

To understand how the 'game' works, this website explains it really well. Basically, Marloes asked me to go through all the cards with positive traits, and pick out a couple that I felt really described me. Of course, I have all sorts of positive traits, but the one I chose as a particular feature of mine was CARING. We talked a bit how I enjoy being a caring person. We also talked about how sometimes being caring actually causes me problems. I enjoy doing things for people, but sometimes, somehow, it can also feel like an obligation. And from time to time, I feel taken advantage of, and think that some people just use me for the nice things I do to make their life easier. So we talked about how too much of a good thing can lead to something not-so-good.

The next step was to choose a a negative quality from the set of cards with negative traits to describe what I feel happens when my caring nature gets out of hand. I chose SUBSERVIENT. The word in Dutch is wegcijferen, which means to make into a nonentity. It is perhaps best translated in this context as sweeping myself away. I got pretty mad when I realized that's how I felt. Even though others have definitely behaved badly towards me, and shame on them, the real issue in my life is that I have sometimes done that to myself. Lately I have valued pleasing others, caring for them, and doing what I can to make their lives easier, far too much. I sometimes go to extremes, and disregard my own needs, wants, interests, preferences, etc. in favour of someone else's. And that's not only no fun at all in the short term, it hinders me from being happy later on as well.

The next step was to look at the positive traits again, and choose one that represented an opposite to the too-much-of-a-good-thing negative quality. For this one, I chose INDEPENDENCE. I'm not sure if anyone else can understand the logic of my mind (or of anyone's at all!), but I chose 'independence' because someone who does whatever she wants, takes care of herself, and puts herself first, well... that person is not subservient at all, and never diminishes herself for another. We talked about this for a bit. I was surprised to find that I found independence a bit scary. I had the idea that if I put myself first, then I wouldn't be kind or loving anymore. And since I really value being caring, that bothered me.

I'm not sure quite what happened, but all of a sudden I realized that there is no risk of me ever being anything less than a wonderfully loving, kind, and caring person. I'm still a bit surprised that independence is something I'm not attracted to, but I think I associate independence with being alone. And although I like to be alone more than a lot of people, I sure don't want to live my life alone. (Hence, my loving nature lol!!)

The final, and most difficult step, was to choose the quality that I see as being too much independence. I chose SELFISHNESS. I find this quality somewhat challenging to define. I would say that someone who is selfish is someone who has no objective values to live by. For example, a selfish person has no problem telling a lie to avoid a confrontation or to manipulate someone else's view of them. A selfish person is intolerant of others if the views, feelings, or needs of others are inconvenient. I really dislike that kind of person, and I guess I fear being independent a bit because I see a slipperly slope. I get a bit nervous that maybe being independent will turn me into someone manipulative, intolerant and self-serving. And for me, there'd be nothing worse!

Now, wasn't that an interesting journey of self-discovery!!

Personal Trainer In Training

I have been spending a couple of hours twice a week with a personal trainer at my gym. Boy am I learning a lot!!

The goal of this time is for me to gain practical experience as a personal trainer. If I had this job, at my gym, I would be responsible for developing programs for all sorts of people. I would also be responsible for just being there to answer questions, to help someone with form, suggestions, or as a spotter. I'd be there in case of emergencies and to do some light cleaning, such as emptying all the wastepaper baskets of the tons of paper towel that get tossed in there after clients wipe down their machines.

I was aware of some challenges going in:

1. I am officially fluent in Dutch, but the fitness world has a jargon all it's own. I am often unfamiliar with the names for things. What's more of a challenge is knowing how to explain to people how to perform exercises.
2. I am not sure how to balance working with people as both an authority figure and a partner in their progress.

I have discovered that the language problem is really more of my problem than an objective challenge. Memorizing specific phrases, using body language, and using English if I get desperate are all fairly simple solutions. (Most Dutch people also speak at least reasonable English, sometimes also another two or three languages.) I just have to let go of that perfectionism that sometimes stops me from trying if I don't feel certain.

The part about balancing how I work with people leads me to the challenge I found once I started practicing what I've learned. And that is: Find the beginning, and start there!

The feedback I've gotten has been that I can improve in three key areas:

1. Keep it simple ~ The clients need to know in summary that their program will get them to their goals. If they are interested, they'll ask for more information.
2. Keep it short ~ The clients need to know what to focus on. That's it.
3. Keep it fun ~ The clients need to enjoy their workouts and see results.

This new path I'm trying out is a challenge! But, it's one I can definitely meet. It will call for patience, attention, and practice.

Does My Life Need a Coach?

I am generally a happy person. I laugh and smile and joke and tease a lot. Even during the happiest days of my life, there are always down moments, but they were generally short-lived. So, I was unpleasantly surprised when I found myself not happy for several months. From about August until just after Christmas, I was sad, angry, frustrated, and impatient.

Why I felt that way was situational, as I've mentioned in previous blogs. Basically, two women I had thought were tried-and-true, friends-for-life grew into people I didn't like anymore. I felt confused and disappointed that they were no longer who I expected them to be. I've also changed as well, and now I don't put up with conduct that I feel is dishonourable, selfish or unkind. So that meant, for these two women, that I had to stop all contact.

But it seemed to really trigger something in me. Those women have genuinely changed, and who they are now is disappointing, with values and conduct that I find weak and vain. Yet, although I found this whole experience distasteful, I was surprised that I found it so upsetting. That's why I felt it was a trigger of some sort. After all, I have 'lost' friends before, but it was never so bitter or unpleasant. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't so... painful.

People come and go in our lives, and people change. I expect that. I don't always like it, but I expect it. So for these two to change, and make their noisy exit, well, it's sad in some ways, but it's also an expected part of life. So what was so upsetting for me??

I couldn't figure it out. Part of it is definitely that I felt taken advantage of, that my kindness and generosity was accepted, but not my friendship. A little bit like in my dating days, if I was out with a new fella and knew it was not going to progress beyond dinner... I always paid for myself. I just never thought it was fair to let a man pay my way if I was just getting a free dinner out of it. If it was part of the getting-to-know-each-other process, part of developing a relationship, or part of an ongoing relationship, sure. But if I realized I was in it only for the meal, I would never let someone pay for dinner when I can pay for myself. So in a way, I guess I feel that I was that poor guy, thinking he's in a relationship and paying for his girl, when the girl is thinking, you better be paying, sucker, and I'm ordering five courses!

And the more I thought about that, the more I realized that I have become more and more someone who is caring towards others, but less and less someone that puts myself first. I love to be caring. I love to help people if I can. I don't want to lose that. But man, I gotta put myself first. I want to learn how to see my own needs more clearly, and to go out and take care of them.

So my MIL suggested I check into a workshop on self-confidence. I asked for a bit more help, and she sent me a couple of links that she found and told me what to search for. (Keep in mind I live in Holland, and even though I am officially fluent in Dutch there are a lot of specific words or phrases or expressions that I don't know. So knowing what to look for was pretty handy!) I checked a couple out, most were quite expensive or inconvenient to get to. I emailed a couple with a few questions.

Later that day, Marloes Elbrink from Stekker Coaching called me in response to my email. I was on my way out so we made an appointment to speak the next day. The next afternoon, she asked me some pretty specific questions to find out what it was I was looking for. She told me that Stekker Coaching wasn't offering any workshops for a couple of months, but she thought that working with a Life Coach might be effective. She invited me to an intake-appointment to see if Life Coaching might have meaning for me.

I decided to take her up on her offer. I'll tell you all about it later!

Frenchy Frencherson Here

I mentioned earlier that my French level had been assessed and I was going to start taking French lessons. Sigh. It became very complicated with my work, as I had to arrange to have someone cover half my shift on the one day per month I work on a Friday afternoon. Then the person in charge of the schedules wasn't too happy with splitting the shifts, although she agreed with me that it wasn't reasonable that I not take the class because of having to work once per month on a Friday. That conversation didn't go to well, although I was already upset due to the drama with A, so it's hard to know what it was that caused the problem.

After all that, the class got cancelled.

I was so disappointed, I almost burst into tears. I called the school, and the receptionist said that there was no space in any other class for me. I wasn't too happy about it, so she passed on my concerns to the teacher. But, we were headed out for our vacation, and I couldn't connect with the teacher.

Coincidentally, I was near the school the week after we got back from Lisbon, and had about 20 minutes before I had to head off for my next appointment, so I decided to drop in. Even more coincidentally, just after I explained my challenge to one of the receptionists, one of the French teachers who had evaluated me called in for another reason. Of course she remembered me... my French language challenge was interesting enough to stand out!

The solution was for me to take a similar class on Thursday afternoons. There is no conflict with my work schedule, although it does make for a long day - class from 1-4, and then work from 6-midnight. It's a 40 minute cycle each way, so I have to plan ahead for lunch, snacks and dinner.

But just wait for the next post so I can tell you how great it is!

Fitness Forward

I'm almost finished my personal training course. I have still to finish my online final exam, and wait a week for the results. I also have to complete a first-aid course and submit the certificate in order to get my personal trainer certificate.

The course I took is the one offered through the ISSA, but it is an entirely theoretical course. Fortunately for me, I already work at a gym (called a sportschool in Holland). I talked to my boss, and he's agreed to let me shadow the personal trainers up to four mornings per week for pretty much as long as I like. I won't get paid for it, and he doesn't currently have an opening for a new trainer, but he has no problem letting me get some experience and insight into what actually is expected when doing the job.

It is different here in Holland than in Canada. In Canada, my experience with the fitness industry is a lot more like what you see on shows like The Biggest Loser, where the trainers push their clients to make major changes. In Holland, people take it much easier. Even if they want to make major changes, they do it slowly. It is quite common that people make an appointment with a friend to do something sporty, like taking a aerobics class or playing tennis or squash together, every week. It is a lot like how Canadians meet each other for coffee or to go shopping!

In any case, the course I did was in English, so there are quite a few things I'll be learning during my shadowing.

1. Names of body parts, exercises and muscles in Dutch
2. How to explain ideas and exercises
3. How to match someone's goals and personality with a program
4. How to teach them the program
5. How to work with them to succeed

I'm pretty excited about this opportunity! I don't know if I want to be a personal trainer myself, but fitness has been a hobby of mine for quite some time. I took the course with the idea that if it was only for my own personal benefit, then it was still worth it.

I have noticed some changes already. Learning how to work with a client can only continue to help me. I have tended to create awesome, yet unreasonable, workout plans for myself. After learning only theoretically how to make a plan for someone else, I started to make more reasonable plans for myself. I noticed my success improving as I was able to reach my much more reasonable goals for my fitness activities.

I want that to carry over into other areas of my life. The more I learn to set myself reasonable, achievable goals, the more I will succeed at what I want to accomplish. And fitness is a great start!