I've been going through yet another period of health challenges. The biggest challenge is really that whatever is happening to my body and health right now is pretty low-level. Upon reflection I've been suffering the same symptoms for at least 1.5 years, but only in the last 4 months have I sought medical support as it wasn't that bad. Several years ago I had a severe flare-up of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes, and pretty much checked out of life for a couple of years. I have gradually resumed normal life, but when I don't feel well, I just assume I've overdone it. And maybe I have. But maybe there is something else going on. And by feeling unwell I mean anything from having almost no energy for weeks at a time, or experiencing pain and discomfort in my body, or feeling stressed out, anxious and angry. I can't pinpoint whether the discomfort in my body is affecting my perceptions, or vice versa. I just feel horrible - emotionally and physically.
Recently I have experienced a few weeks of particularly low energy, dizziness, and a lack of control over my emotions, serious enough to pay a visit to the doctor. He's concerned there may be issues with my digestive system, and gave me some medicine to take for two weeks. Although it appears the medicine worked positively on my digestive tract, it had a side effect that was pretty rough. I got really bloated. As in, 2kg (or 5lb). My clothes didn't fit. That was pretty tough, as I'd recently lost some weight and bought new clothes. I'd gotten rid of the old ones, so I just wore sweatpants and avoided making appointments! Interesting, as one of the digestive tract issues it was supposed to resolve was bloating... but other than that, it seemed to work.
At the same time, my familiar demon Insomnia was haunting me. I wasn't sleeping, and when I was asleep I wasn't sleeping very soundly. I woke up tired, often angry or upset, and the day would go downhill from there. I couldn't make appointments in the morning because I couldn't reliably wake up in time, and even if I was up, sometimes to get from awake to alert would take several hours.
So I was frustrated. I was angry, impatient, had little control over my emotions, felt isolated and incompetent. Which, you guessed it, made me feel angry, impatient... rinse and repeat.
I struggle to see myself clearly. I see all my faults and imperfections, and gloss over my many wonderful qualities. And I struggle to see others clearly too sometimes. So I got angry at everyone. All the people that don't love me back. I saw how hard I work to be a good friend, how much I try to create and maintain relationships, how much I value others and appreciate them... and how nobody appreciates me. Other people like me for what I do for them, and if I don't do for them, I don't hear from them. I felt so alone, and angry about it... but unwilling to reach out because I don't want to accept the role I saw myself being forced into.
But a wonderful thing about how I've grown in my lifetime, and particularly in the last year, is I've become much more balanced, much more willing to experience options and shades of gray, and to see my thoughts and beliefs as choices rather than truths. (Although I can be pretty stubborn too!!)
I prefer a deeper intimacy than a lot of people, so sometimes that need for a deeper connection, for more intense conversation both on a personal and philosphical level, doesn't get met. And of course, when my needs aren't met, I feel lonely. And if I try to get those needs met from friends who just aren't that sort of person, sometimes I take it personally. I think that the friend is choosing not to connect with me in the way I like. But more likely, the friend just can't. Me feeling lonely and not getting what I need has nothing to do with whether the friend is offering me a great friendship. It just means that what they are offering isn't meeting my needs right now.
So I need to get out there, reconnect with friends I know go waaaaaay down deep, see if other friends are available for that kind of connection, and build that a bit more into my life.
Feeling isolated, alone, and angry is not the path for me, but I'm kinda glad I walked it a while, it really helped me to see that I can trust myself to take the action I need to continue to develop as a person, and to help myself love myself and be happy with who I am - even on those days that I feel no one else is!
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friendship. Show all posts
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monkey off my Back!
I read that expression recently, and thought, Bingo!
I find this process of looking inside myself, of trying to see who I am, very interesting. I'm very confident with my values, and yet I find it hard to stand up for myself.
That's why I get so angry, sometimes I am even perceived as aggressive, when inside I am feeling pushed around.
I am so idealistic that it has caused me to end friendships. I have no regrets there, of course my life is better without those monkeys on my back. Yet, I am sad. I am hurt, personally, by these sad excuses for humanity. It's not the lying, the cheating, the selfishness in the specific that causes me pain, it's the knowledge that that is the very best that person can offer the world. And shock of course at the affront to my values. (Maybe a bit sanctimonious, but doing the right thing isn't easy... it's just right. Stop being lazy and grow up.)
And what I need to do is work on being ok from walking away from those people. I am so idealistic, I want to help them. But it really is trying to teach an old dog new tricks. Only the old dog died a while ago!
I guess Bing Crosby was right, all the monkeys aren't in the zoo, every day you meet quite a few! But whether the monkey is on my back or talking behind my back, I guess I'm a step ahead.
I find this process of looking inside myself, of trying to see who I am, very interesting. I'm very confident with my values, and yet I find it hard to stand up for myself.
That's why I get so angry, sometimes I am even perceived as aggressive, when inside I am feeling pushed around.
I am so idealistic that it has caused me to end friendships. I have no regrets there, of course my life is better without those monkeys on my back. Yet, I am sad. I am hurt, personally, by these sad excuses for humanity. It's not the lying, the cheating, the selfishness in the specific that causes me pain, it's the knowledge that that is the very best that person can offer the world. And shock of course at the affront to my values. (Maybe a bit sanctimonious, but doing the right thing isn't easy... it's just right. Stop being lazy and grow up.)
And what I need to do is work on being ok from walking away from those people. I am so idealistic, I want to help them. But it really is trying to teach an old dog new tricks. Only the old dog died a while ago!
I guess Bing Crosby was right, all the monkeys aren't in the zoo, every day you meet quite a few! But whether the monkey is on my back or talking behind my back, I guess I'm a step ahead.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Thanks, but no thanks
I really like people to know me, see me, understand me. But not everyone can, nor does everyone want to. Shock!
There are a few people in my life that I don't want to have close at all anymore. For whatever reason, I just don't admire or respect them the way I want to admire and respect the people I keep close. So I'd like to just let go.
But they won't go.
Some of them I'm related to, some of them are friends of family, some of them have just been around for a long time. And all of them I'll most likely see or hear from again. I've actually just come to realize that people rarely disappear, they just go into hiding. Sometimes when they reappear it's a joy, other times I just have to figure out how to negotiate those social occasions without getting involved.
Anyway, so these people that won't go away... I don't want to behave unkindly, even though I have nothing kind to say to them. I have nothing to gain by being honest or open with them, by telling them how I feel, what I want from them or for them. Well, except that they might be so irritated they would go away... but then I'd have to see them again. And be confronted with my lack of gentleness with them.
But I don't want to molly-coddle people I just don't like. I just want to figure out the bare minimum required to reduce contact as much as possible.
So I will say, "thank you" to reply to nice things said and done, but "no thanks" to any suggestion that I want to connect. I'm busy that day.
There are a few people in my life that I don't want to have close at all anymore. For whatever reason, I just don't admire or respect them the way I want to admire and respect the people I keep close. So I'd like to just let go.
But they won't go.
Some of them I'm related to, some of them are friends of family, some of them have just been around for a long time. And all of them I'll most likely see or hear from again. I've actually just come to realize that people rarely disappear, they just go into hiding. Sometimes when they reappear it's a joy, other times I just have to figure out how to negotiate those social occasions without getting involved.
Anyway, so these people that won't go away... I don't want to behave unkindly, even though I have nothing kind to say to them. I have nothing to gain by being honest or open with them, by telling them how I feel, what I want from them or for them. Well, except that they might be so irritated they would go away... but then I'd have to see them again. And be confronted with my lack of gentleness with them.
But I don't want to molly-coddle people I just don't like. I just want to figure out the bare minimum required to reduce contact as much as possible.
So I will say, "thank you" to reply to nice things said and done, but "no thanks" to any suggestion that I want to connect. I'm busy that day.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
All is Forgiven
What a relief! All the drama that has gradually been ebbing away from those two former friends is finally 99% gone! That 1% can linger as long as it needs to, it doesn't hurt at all.
I somehow just realized that nothing bad happened anyways.
I didn't like how either of them behaved, that's why I chose to no longer be friends. At the time what really caught my attention was how surprised (and hurt) I was that they behaved in hurtful ways. And that was the trigger for me to seek out learning about myself and what I value through my life coaching. So ultimately, I'm grateful for those two floozys* (floozies?) for helping me to see who I am more clearly. In a way, it was just a super-mean version of when Alex visited - I got confronted with an alternative image of myself and chose whether it fit or not.
And the image that now fits me is one of confidence and grace. I forgive those two so ultimately and completely because I see that they were just being themselves. The behaviour I didn't like I'd previously seen time and time again. The last time was just the last time for me, not the last time for them. Of course the kind of person I am is going to have run-ins with people I think behave selfishly, irresponsibly, dishonestly, or unkindly - especially those who backbite!!! And since I'd seen it with these two before, it was just a sign of my growth that I wasn't willing to have it in my life anymore. It was still surprising how hurt I was, but that's what sent me off to learn more, so no regrets!
I think now that I was looking at my friendships through rose-tinted glasses - I saw those qualities I didn't like, but thought it'll never happen to me. And then when it did, I was totally shocked, even though it was predictable. Of course I expected too much, there wasn't much that they had to give. What I find joyful about this experience is feeling excited about letting that rose-tint fade away until I have more clarity about the people around me. And what a delight to know there's nothing wrong with me! I just prefer to be close to people whose values are more compatible.
*As I read this post now, I feel that I've painted a very black-and-white picture. This is not intended as a good-evil polemic but to express my confidence and satisfaction these days and my lack thereof back then.... if that makes sense! And yup, floozy means exactly what I intend to convey!
I somehow just realized that nothing bad happened anyways.
I didn't like how either of them behaved, that's why I chose to no longer be friends. At the time what really caught my attention was how surprised (and hurt) I was that they behaved in hurtful ways. And that was the trigger for me to seek out learning about myself and what I value through my life coaching. So ultimately, I'm grateful for those two floozys* (floozies?) for helping me to see who I am more clearly. In a way, it was just a super-mean version of when Alex visited - I got confronted with an alternative image of myself and chose whether it fit or not.
And the image that now fits me is one of confidence and grace. I forgive those two so ultimately and completely because I see that they were just being themselves. The behaviour I didn't like I'd previously seen time and time again. The last time was just the last time for me, not the last time for them. Of course the kind of person I am is going to have run-ins with people I think behave selfishly, irresponsibly, dishonestly, or unkindly - especially those who backbite!!! And since I'd seen it with these two before, it was just a sign of my growth that I wasn't willing to have it in my life anymore. It was still surprising how hurt I was, but that's what sent me off to learn more, so no regrets!
I think now that I was looking at my friendships through rose-tinted glasses - I saw those qualities I didn't like, but thought it'll never happen to me. And then when it did, I was totally shocked, even though it was predictable. Of course I expected too much, there wasn't much that they had to give. What I find joyful about this experience is feeling excited about letting that rose-tint fade away until I have more clarity about the people around me. And what a delight to know there's nothing wrong with me! I just prefer to be close to people whose values are more compatible.
*As I read this post now, I feel that I've painted a very black-and-white picture. This is not intended as a good-evil polemic but to express my confidence and satisfaction these days and my lack thereof back then.... if that makes sense! And yup, floozy means exactly what I intend to convey!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Alex's Visit - Canadians invade Holland Part Deux
So Monday after the Friday that Sabrina left, Alex came for a visit. I have known Alexandra since we worked at the same location years ago, and just kept in touch ever since. She happened to come just when I went back to work after a 3 week vacation, and I only had one day free while she was here. She was also suffering a bit with the flu, so took an extra day to rest up.
We really didn't have much time together, a couple of nice long chats over a pot of tea and one short dinner while I ate before heading off to work. I really enjoyed her visit because she is so different than I am. She is curious about people like I am, but goes about learning about them in a different way. She tends to talk far less, but of course when she does say something it is usually quite insightful and often aimed at being helpful. She doesn't need much, she's very independent, and I really enjoyed her visit!
She's been travelling around Europe hitchhiking for almost a year, and was able to get dropped off at my door on Monday evening. J had made a nice supper, so we sat down to that almost immediately. After dinner we spent some time catching up, and then called it a night. I had to work the next day, and she wasn't feeling 100%, so all we did was invite Mickey over for dinner and let him take us out for pannenkoek and (drool) ice cream dessert!!! Then she and Mickey talked about different travels and places they'd been and would like to go. We called it a night and the next day I took it easy and Alex went to check out Amsterdam! She came home around dinnertime, but I was already at work. She took Thursday easy again, and I saw her briefly in the morning before I went to French class, and again while I had dinner before work Thursday evening. Then Friday morning J dropped her off at a good location to hitch a ride, and she was on her merry way again!
Now that I write it out I see how quick of a visit it was, especially given the hours I was working (Tuesday 8am-3pm, Wednesday and Thursday 6pm-midnight). And actually, the kind of person she is I find extremely intriguing. J said that she reminded him of himself several years ago - that he also was just interested in meeting new people and seeing how they live. For me, I would want something else besides just getting my curiosity satisfied, I'd also be looking to develop relationships. Actually, I suppose my main goal would be to develop relationships.
And really, I see that Alex's way is the interesting way. She chooses to hitchhike vs taking the bus not to save money (although that is a bonus) but because she meets interesting people that way. Not to say that interesting people don't take the bus, after all you'll find me on a bus from time to time, but just that the people willing to pick up hitchhikers tend to be the kind interested in chatting with random strangers more so that the average bus passenger!
I do tend to play it safe. Nothing wrong with that, I'm more comfortable that way. But every now and then I realize how lucky I am to have made friends with a wide variety of people. I love getting the opportunity to re-examine what I'm comfortable with to see if it still fits! For example, Alex complimented me on being fluent in Dutch after only two years, and my first response was to say, "Meh, after two years I can see that my officially-fluent Dutch is woefully inadequate!" Then a day or so later, I told her, "You know what, you're right! I am fluent in Dutch and have no trouble making a life for myself in Dutch, so thank you for the compliment!!"
I'd taken the opportunity to look at myself again, and see myself as she sees me - and that image fits me better than my old, not-g00d- at-speaking-Dutch image! So I am grateful for her visit for the challenge and the interesting ideas she brought with her!! And plus I really enjoyed her company - it's too bad that I was a bit tired and so busy with work while she was here!!! But... I'll get to see her when I head back to Canada for a visit this summer!!
We really didn't have much time together, a couple of nice long chats over a pot of tea and one short dinner while I ate before heading off to work. I really enjoyed her visit because she is so different than I am. She is curious about people like I am, but goes about learning about them in a different way. She tends to talk far less, but of course when she does say something it is usually quite insightful and often aimed at being helpful. She doesn't need much, she's very independent, and I really enjoyed her visit!
She's been travelling around Europe hitchhiking for almost a year, and was able to get dropped off at my door on Monday evening. J had made a nice supper, so we sat down to that almost immediately. After dinner we spent some time catching up, and then called it a night. I had to work the next day, and she wasn't feeling 100%, so all we did was invite Mickey over for dinner and let him take us out for pannenkoek and (drool) ice cream dessert!!! Then she and Mickey talked about different travels and places they'd been and would like to go. We called it a night and the next day I took it easy and Alex went to check out Amsterdam! She came home around dinnertime, but I was already at work. She took Thursday easy again, and I saw her briefly in the morning before I went to French class, and again while I had dinner before work Thursday evening. Then Friday morning J dropped her off at a good location to hitch a ride, and she was on her merry way again!
Now that I write it out I see how quick of a visit it was, especially given the hours I was working (Tuesday 8am-3pm, Wednesday and Thursday 6pm-midnight). And actually, the kind of person she is I find extremely intriguing. J said that she reminded him of himself several years ago - that he also was just interested in meeting new people and seeing how they live. For me, I would want something else besides just getting my curiosity satisfied, I'd also be looking to develop relationships. Actually, I suppose my main goal would be to develop relationships.
And really, I see that Alex's way is the interesting way. She chooses to hitchhike vs taking the bus not to save money (although that is a bonus) but because she meets interesting people that way. Not to say that interesting people don't take the bus, after all you'll find me on a bus from time to time, but just that the people willing to pick up hitchhikers tend to be the kind interested in chatting with random strangers more so that the average bus passenger!
I do tend to play it safe. Nothing wrong with that, I'm more comfortable that way. But every now and then I realize how lucky I am to have made friends with a wide variety of people. I love getting the opportunity to re-examine what I'm comfortable with to see if it still fits! For example, Alex complimented me on being fluent in Dutch after only two years, and my first response was to say, "Meh, after two years I can see that my officially-fluent Dutch is woefully inadequate!" Then a day or so later, I told her, "You know what, you're right! I am fluent in Dutch and have no trouble making a life for myself in Dutch, so thank you for the compliment!!"
I'd taken the opportunity to look at myself again, and see myself as she sees me - and that image fits me better than my old, not-g00d- at-speaking-Dutch image! So I am grateful for her visit for the challenge and the interesting ideas she brought with her!! And plus I really enjoyed her company - it's too bad that I was a bit tired and so busy with work while she was here!!! But... I'll get to see her when I head back to Canada for a visit this summer!!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Canadians invade Holland - Part 1
So lucky me got to have two friends visit in the last couple of weeks. First, while I was on vacation from work, Sabrina came for a week. I met her at Schiphol on Monday and we went back to my place and got her a bit settled. That evening we went to Utrecht, walked around a bit, and ate pannenkoek at De Muntkelder. Mmmm.
The next day I had tentatively arranged a visit to a dairy farm so that Sabrina could see cheese being made, maybe even make some herself. But the weather was really yucky - cold and rainy. So instead we went to visit my MIL and SIL in Leiden. We chatted a while and then went shopping for clothes. My MIL and SIL are so great. They stuck to English most of the time even though they haven't had to speak it for almost a year with me. They took Sabrina to a more generic store, saw her preferences and sizes, and chose a couple of stores that they thought would have clothes perfect for her. They were right! Sabrina couldn't stop talking about how much she loved her new clothes and the store she bought them at for the rest of the week!
On Wednesday we went to Amsterdam and checked out the floating flower market and the Albert Cuyp market. Then we met a Dutch friend of mine, Mickey, for dinner. He walked us through the Red Light district on the way to an Irish pub. Then Sabrina and I took the train home.
On Thursday Sabrina decided to take it easy as she had a bit of a cold and had a long flight planned for Friday. I had French class anyways, so that worked out fine. Friday I took her to Schiphol, saw her checked in, and enjoyed a nice cup of tea and a chat to pass some of the three hours she had to wait before her flight boarded. Then I went home, alone.
I loved having her visit because now that I live in Holland, I don't seek out the touristy things that are actually a lot of fun to do or see. She got me enthusiastic about my new country! She's also just so easy to be around! She makes funny comments, plus she's super-smart. She'd been away from home for a long time, and was really excited to get there. I was glad that she got to go home, but I miss her!
The next day I had tentatively arranged a visit to a dairy farm so that Sabrina could see cheese being made, maybe even make some herself. But the weather was really yucky - cold and rainy. So instead we went to visit my MIL and SIL in Leiden. We chatted a while and then went shopping for clothes. My MIL and SIL are so great. They stuck to English most of the time even though they haven't had to speak it for almost a year with me. They took Sabrina to a more generic store, saw her preferences and sizes, and chose a couple of stores that they thought would have clothes perfect for her. They were right! Sabrina couldn't stop talking about how much she loved her new clothes and the store she bought them at for the rest of the week!
On Wednesday we went to Amsterdam and checked out the floating flower market and the Albert Cuyp market. Then we met a Dutch friend of mine, Mickey, for dinner. He walked us through the Red Light district on the way to an Irish pub. Then Sabrina and I took the train home.
On Thursday Sabrina decided to take it easy as she had a bit of a cold and had a long flight planned for Friday. I had French class anyways, so that worked out fine. Friday I took her to Schiphol, saw her checked in, and enjoyed a nice cup of tea and a chat to pass some of the three hours she had to wait before her flight boarded. Then I went home, alone.
I loved having her visit because now that I live in Holland, I don't seek out the touristy things that are actually a lot of fun to do or see. She got me enthusiastic about my new country! She's also just so easy to be around! She makes funny comments, plus she's super-smart. She'd been away from home for a long time, and was really excited to get there. I was glad that she got to go home, but I miss her!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
What's Important
The biggest problem with tough choices is that I'm pulled in so many directions.
I want to be happy. I want to do what is right. I want to be a loving person. I want to be a good friend. And I want to learn to think differently about what's bothering me, so that it doesn't bother me so much.
J says that he just makes people who hurt him less important. But I've had a habit of making people who hurt me MORE important. For me that's because I was hurt a lot when I was young, by my parents, and when you're a kid, of course your parents are very important. But I'm an adult now, and I can change that habit. I will never be hurt again like I was when I was a kid, because I'll never be that vulnerable again. So I don't have to protect myself from getting hurt.
So the situation I'm facing is my friend's new girlfriend, who is that former friend of mine who was unpleasant to me when I was going through a tough time and then refused to return my keys and bank pass for a couple of months. That got resolved after I called her mother and asked her to intervene. She's now moved from Canada to Holland, and is living with him.
I recently saw my friend for the first time since his girlfriend arrived here. We were able to arrange that because she went out of town for a few days.
He told me a few things that she told him about what happened, sort of letting me in on what he understands her perspective to be.
She told him that she was hurt that I didn't trust her to return my things. She told him that she had made several attempts to return the keys and bank pass but that my cousins hadn't responded to her. She told him that she didn't care if I visited him, but she didn't want to be friends with me because I hurt her so much.
I was very surprised to hear this. At first, I resented that she had told him about how she felt about me, and not me. And I felt really sad that I had hurt her. But you know, I tend to believe what people say, even when their actions say otherwise.
Her actions were to not reply to my emails for months. I sent her 5 or 6 emails over the course of about 3 months. Not only was I trying to heal our friendship, but I also asked her to please confirm that she had my keys and bank pass and that she would give them to my cousins. She told my friend/her boyfriend that she was just deleting my emails unread. If that's true, she only knew that she was supposed to return the keys and bank pass to my cousins as soon as possible.
She and her mother know my cousins. They both know the mom and the dad and the three adult children living at home. So she knew five different people she could contact to return my keys and bank pass. I hadn't told any of them the problems I was having with her, or that she just was refusing to reply to my emails. After all, it's none of their business. So they would have been just as loving and kind with her as they have always been over the years.
It would indeed surprise me if my cousins had ignored her requests to meet, since I was also in contact with my cousins who knew this was important to me. My cousins were replying to my emails and letting me know what was happening. And my cousins told me that she had made a couple of vague appointments but then just never showed up. So if this is a test of who-is-more-likely-to-be-telling-the-truth, then based on these facts, the believability lies slightly more with my cousins, if for no other reason than that they provided me with this information at the time.
I knew my former friend very well. She has lots of great qualities, but she isn't the most honest person. I have no idea if she's lied to me directly, but she told me many things about herself that began with, "So-and-so still thinks that this happened, because I lied about it. Really, something else happened." Now, that's her business, and she has the right to shape what people think about her in this way if that's what she wants to do. But back to the test of truth-telling: based on her character, she is less believable than my cousins.
So my conclusions are:
I notice that my anger and hurt is gone, as I realize that of course I need friends who are less likely to hurt me. I can't befriend everyone, and like financial investments, there are some friendships that depreciate in value over time. It's sad, but also like a financial investment, there is a point at which you need to move on.
And in order for me to do that, I have to recognize and accept that I tried to make this friendship work. I placed a high value on what was there, and made every effort to breathe life into it. But a friendship is a team effort, and I can't do it on my own. She had the opportunity to know how I felt, what I thought, and that I asked her to forgive me for whatever happened that made her angry or hurt. But she chose not to know those things, and I have to respect that. She had the choice to make this friendship work or not. I think she made the wrong choice, but it is her choice to make.
So what I need to do now is realize that she is not important in my life. She used to be, but not anymore. She's my friend's girlfriend, and when we visit him she might be around, but she doesn't matter. My friends and family matter, not people I used to know once upon a time.
Gak. I sure hope this is the end of this drama with her inside my head!
I want to be happy. I want to do what is right. I want to be a loving person. I want to be a good friend. And I want to learn to think differently about what's bothering me, so that it doesn't bother me so much.
J says that he just makes people who hurt him less important. But I've had a habit of making people who hurt me MORE important. For me that's because I was hurt a lot when I was young, by my parents, and when you're a kid, of course your parents are very important. But I'm an adult now, and I can change that habit. I will never be hurt again like I was when I was a kid, because I'll never be that vulnerable again. So I don't have to protect myself from getting hurt.
So the situation I'm facing is my friend's new girlfriend, who is that former friend of mine who was unpleasant to me when I was going through a tough time and then refused to return my keys and bank pass for a couple of months. That got resolved after I called her mother and asked her to intervene. She's now moved from Canada to Holland, and is living with him.
I recently saw my friend for the first time since his girlfriend arrived here. We were able to arrange that because she went out of town for a few days.
He told me a few things that she told him about what happened, sort of letting me in on what he understands her perspective to be.
She told him that she was hurt that I didn't trust her to return my things. She told him that she had made several attempts to return the keys and bank pass but that my cousins hadn't responded to her. She told him that she didn't care if I visited him, but she didn't want to be friends with me because I hurt her so much.
I was very surprised to hear this. At first, I resented that she had told him about how she felt about me, and not me. And I felt really sad that I had hurt her. But you know, I tend to believe what people say, even when their actions say otherwise.
Her actions were to not reply to my emails for months. I sent her 5 or 6 emails over the course of about 3 months. Not only was I trying to heal our friendship, but I also asked her to please confirm that she had my keys and bank pass and that she would give them to my cousins. She told my friend/her boyfriend that she was just deleting my emails unread. If that's true, she only knew that she was supposed to return the keys and bank pass to my cousins as soon as possible.
She and her mother know my cousins. They both know the mom and the dad and the three adult children living at home. So she knew five different people she could contact to return my keys and bank pass. I hadn't told any of them the problems I was having with her, or that she just was refusing to reply to my emails. After all, it's none of their business. So they would have been just as loving and kind with her as they have always been over the years.
It would indeed surprise me if my cousins had ignored her requests to meet, since I was also in contact with my cousins who knew this was important to me. My cousins were replying to my emails and letting me know what was happening. And my cousins told me that she had made a couple of vague appointments but then just never showed up. So if this is a test of who-is-more-likely-to-be-telling-the-truth, then based on these facts, the believability lies slightly more with my cousins, if for no other reason than that they provided me with this information at the time.
I knew my former friend very well. She has lots of great qualities, but she isn't the most honest person. I have no idea if she's lied to me directly, but she told me many things about herself that began with, "So-and-so still thinks that this happened, because I lied about it. Really, something else happened." Now, that's her business, and she has the right to shape what people think about her in this way if that's what she wants to do. But back to the test of truth-telling: based on her character, she is less believable than my cousins.
So my conclusions are:
- I think she probably was hurt by something I said or did.
Now, she had the chance to make things right between us, but didn't. She could have read my emails and learned what I was thinking and feeling. She could have told me what she was thinking and feeling. She didn't do those things, and I suspect that there are two reasons behind that. The first is, friendship isn't (or at least my friendship wasn't) that important to her, so when she got hurt, she just moved on. The second is that she did value my friendship, but when she got hurt she decided that the effort to talk about it with me was too much work for her, and moved on. - I think she is shaping what her new boyfriend thinks of her by saying what she thinks will make him think better of her.
I don't believe she really made the efforts she claimed to contact my cousins about the keys and bank pass. I don't think my apparent lack of trust in her was hurtful to her, or if so, that's really odd. If she didn't reply to her colleagues at work asking about a project she was handling, would she be hurt that her boss no longer assumed she was working on the assignement? She knew she had a responsibility to fulfil, and didn't make it happen - for months.
I notice that my anger and hurt is gone, as I realize that of course I need friends who are less likely to hurt me. I can't befriend everyone, and like financial investments, there are some friendships that depreciate in value over time. It's sad, but also like a financial investment, there is a point at which you need to move on.
And in order for me to do that, I have to recognize and accept that I tried to make this friendship work. I placed a high value on what was there, and made every effort to breathe life into it. But a friendship is a team effort, and I can't do it on my own. She had the opportunity to know how I felt, what I thought, and that I asked her to forgive me for whatever happened that made her angry or hurt. But she chose not to know those things, and I have to respect that. She had the choice to make this friendship work or not. I think she made the wrong choice, but it is her choice to make.
So what I need to do now is realize that she is not important in my life. She used to be, but not anymore. She's my friend's girlfriend, and when we visit him she might be around, but she doesn't matter. My friends and family matter, not people I used to know once upon a time.
Gak. I sure hope this is the end of this drama with her inside my head!
Monday, March 7, 2011
No Mo' Drama
As I've been moving along in my goal of putting myself first, I've realized how much I dislike conflict. I always knew I didn't like it, after all, who does? People who thrive on winning an argument often win nothing else, and like Dr. Phil says, "Do you wanna be right? Or do you wanna be happy?"
What I'm realizing most recently is that I also find it upsetting when my values conflict with another's. Perhaps because I see no resolution, after all, our values are central to how we engage in the world, so when I run into someone who has a fundamentally opposite approach to me, I don't really know where, or if, any middle ground might be.
I don't want to become someone who insists that everyone around me think as I do, that is so annoying! And boring, really. I love differences. But I suppose difference can go too far.
And when it comes right down to it, when I look at someone else's life and think it's just a soap opera, I don't want to be part of it.
Obviously, in most cases, how people raise their kids, relate to their spouses, or choose to spend their time and money, is none of my business. But most people don't cross my imaginary lines. From time to time, I feel trapped. I have had friends where, all of a sudden, I am shocked by what they set as a priority. It's not my place to say whether their priorities are right or wrong, but I guess I have to recognize that the friendship has shifted an awful lot for me to be shocked by them.
Perhaps the friend has gone through some changes recently, perhaps I just never noticed where their values lay. Perhaps the friendship was just never deep enough for me to know their character very well.
It's hard to love someone, to enjoy their company, and yet to find myself thinking, Hmmm... maybe I'm happier with you further away from my heart.
On the other hand, I do appreciate the growth I've made in this area. As sad as it is, it's still nice to recognize that I'm not wasting my time or energy, or hurting myself or my friend, by trying to make things different. I will honour the friendship by finding out more, and withholding judgement as much as I can. But if that friend's life is the soap opera I seem to have been seeing lately, I don't want to join the cast. I don't even want to watch. I'll just change the channel.
What I'm realizing most recently is that I also find it upsetting when my values conflict with another's. Perhaps because I see no resolution, after all, our values are central to how we engage in the world, so when I run into someone who has a fundamentally opposite approach to me, I don't really know where, or if, any middle ground might be.
I don't want to become someone who insists that everyone around me think as I do, that is so annoying! And boring, really. I love differences. But I suppose difference can go too far.
And when it comes right down to it, when I look at someone else's life and think it's just a soap opera, I don't want to be part of it.
Obviously, in most cases, how people raise their kids, relate to their spouses, or choose to spend their time and money, is none of my business. But most people don't cross my imaginary lines. From time to time, I feel trapped. I have had friends where, all of a sudden, I am shocked by what they set as a priority. It's not my place to say whether their priorities are right or wrong, but I guess I have to recognize that the friendship has shifted an awful lot for me to be shocked by them.
Perhaps the friend has gone through some changes recently, perhaps I just never noticed where their values lay. Perhaps the friendship was just never deep enough for me to know their character very well.
It's hard to love someone, to enjoy their company, and yet to find myself thinking, Hmmm... maybe I'm happier with you further away from my heart.
On the other hand, I do appreciate the growth I've made in this area. As sad as it is, it's still nice to recognize that I'm not wasting my time or energy, or hurting myself or my friend, by trying to make things different. I will honour the friendship by finding out more, and withholding judgement as much as I can. But if that friend's life is the soap opera I seem to have been seeing lately, I don't want to join the cast. I don't even want to watch. I'll just change the channel.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Let the Past Be
I recently got one of those forwarded emails from a friend, and glancing through it I was struck by something.
One of the lines says, "Don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future."
This really touched me, as I was recently thinking about those two women who used to be good friends and are no longer part of my life. I was thinking I'd like to find some way to honour the good times, sort of like a funeral. At a funeral you're sad that someone you love or who had meaning for you is gone, but you remember what you liked and enjoyed about that person. And whether their death is sudden, expected, or figurative, I think it can be the same. And in the case of a figurative funeral, the only difference is that the person is still alive, wandering the earth somewhere. It's just by choice that their lives no longer touch yours.
So here, in alphabetical order, are eulogies for my two friends, A & S, who have recently passed on.
I loved how funny A was. I remember so many giggles and hilariously confusing conversations! I liked feeling like a bit of big sister, helping her with a few things when I could. I loved just hanging around, talking about this and that or making plans for something. I remember how thoughtful she was. If she wasn't sure, she always used to err on the side of pitching in, offering to help, or bringing home dinner in case I hadn't eaten yet. She was terrific. She was curious about so many things, had an obsession with British royal history, and said whatever came to her mind.... which was sometimes entirely appropos, and sometimes shocking! I will miss the friend she was very much indeed.
S was so much fun! I remember so many talks, about so many things, interrupted only by sleep, homework, and somebody making the tea. She taught me to cook. She was so smart, I loved how articulate she was. I never had to explain the words I used, because she used them too. I remember laughing to the point of tears for no good reason, just because we were having fun together. I tend to be a pretty conservative person, so I thought she could be reckless, but the good I got out of that was to be a bit more adventurous. She was very driven and was a really hard worker. She found bugs very interesting, and tried to explain their little body parts, or their life-cycle, or motivation to appear on the kitchen counter to me while I stood there screaming for her to KILL IT! She was always willing to try and to help. I miss that terrific woman very much.
Although I am grateful for what was, there is indeed a reason why those two people didn't make it to my future. I'm grateful for that too. And now this chapter is closed.
I am so thankful for my wonderful friends and family. To those of you who are part of my past and my future, I love you, I respect you, and most of all, I enjoy you. A future with you in it is a future I am going to enjoy!
One of the lines says, "Don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future."
This really touched me, as I was recently thinking about those two women who used to be good friends and are no longer part of my life. I was thinking I'd like to find some way to honour the good times, sort of like a funeral. At a funeral you're sad that someone you love or who had meaning for you is gone, but you remember what you liked and enjoyed about that person. And whether their death is sudden, expected, or figurative, I think it can be the same. And in the case of a figurative funeral, the only difference is that the person is still alive, wandering the earth somewhere. It's just by choice that their lives no longer touch yours.
So here, in alphabetical order, are eulogies for my two friends, A & S, who have recently passed on.
I loved how funny A was. I remember so many giggles and hilariously confusing conversations! I liked feeling like a bit of big sister, helping her with a few things when I could. I loved just hanging around, talking about this and that or making plans for something. I remember how thoughtful she was. If she wasn't sure, she always used to err on the side of pitching in, offering to help, or bringing home dinner in case I hadn't eaten yet. She was terrific. She was curious about so many things, had an obsession with British royal history, and said whatever came to her mind.... which was sometimes entirely appropos, and sometimes shocking! I will miss the friend she was very much indeed.
S was so much fun! I remember so many talks, about so many things, interrupted only by sleep, homework, and somebody making the tea. She taught me to cook. She was so smart, I loved how articulate she was. I never had to explain the words I used, because she used them too. I remember laughing to the point of tears for no good reason, just because we were having fun together. I tend to be a pretty conservative person, so I thought she could be reckless, but the good I got out of that was to be a bit more adventurous. She was very driven and was a really hard worker. She found bugs very interesting, and tried to explain their little body parts, or their life-cycle, or motivation to appear on the kitchen counter to me while I stood there screaming for her to KILL IT! She was always willing to try and to help. I miss that terrific woman very much.
Although I am grateful for what was, there is indeed a reason why those two people didn't make it to my future. I'm grateful for that too. And now this chapter is closed.
I am so thankful for my wonderful friends and family. To those of you who are part of my past and my future, I love you, I respect you, and most of all, I enjoy you. A future with you in it is a future I am going to enjoy!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Stop the World, I Want to Get Off
I am so done. Everywhere I turn I see stuff I'm in the middle of! I know it's all leading somewhere good, but I have to learn how to set limits.
I feel that I barely get time to rest before it's time to start up again. I miss my husband!! I haven't socialized with my friends in a while. My weekends are booked, my evenings are booked, my days are full, and I am pooped.
Everything in my agenda is something I want to do. My husband thinks I do a lot, meanwhile I look at my living room and see the mess I didn't clean up. Yet. And it's 1am.
I am really curious about how to change my attitude here. I can see that it's bad for me. Trying to do too much at once is such a pitfall for me. Sure, it's all good, fun, interesting stuff. But too much means I don't get to relax into each thing, because I have to work on whatever it is right now so that it's done in time. Too much means I don't get enough sleep, and that I feel stressed when I'm awake.
But how can I say no to a good thing? I seem to have no sense of time. All of you who have waited for me know that already!! But I mean a sense of time in a more transcendental sense. I can't set a priority, because I seem to see everything as happening all once. As though life is not a series of events, but a herd of buffalo stampeding over me. I see no cycles, no growth, only sudden and unexpected happenings.
Well, now that I write that, I realize I am starting to slowly see some cycles and some growth, but mostly I feel that I experience life all at once. It's really very tiring.
Help!
I feel that I barely get time to rest before it's time to start up again. I miss my husband!! I haven't socialized with my friends in a while. My weekends are booked, my evenings are booked, my days are full, and I am pooped.
Everything in my agenda is something I want to do. My husband thinks I do a lot, meanwhile I look at my living room and see the mess I didn't clean up. Yet. And it's 1am.
I am really curious about how to change my attitude here. I can see that it's bad for me. Trying to do too much at once is such a pitfall for me. Sure, it's all good, fun, interesting stuff. But too much means I don't get to relax into each thing, because I have to work on whatever it is right now so that it's done in time. Too much means I don't get enough sleep, and that I feel stressed when I'm awake.
But how can I say no to a good thing? I seem to have no sense of time. All of you who have waited for me know that already!! But I mean a sense of time in a more transcendental sense. I can't set a priority, because I seem to see everything as happening all once. As though life is not a series of events, but a herd of buffalo stampeding over me. I see no cycles, no growth, only sudden and unexpected happenings.
Well, now that I write that, I realize I am starting to slowly see some cycles and some growth, but mostly I feel that I experience life all at once. It's really very tiring.
Help!
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thrilled! Just Thrilled!
Do I ever have some fantastic news!!
I have been offered a gig at my gym leading the Senioren Fit (obvious translation probably, but it's the Senior's Fitness) Monday mornings!
I'm a real personal trainer... with a JOB!
I still lack in confidence - but I'm like that. Until I am awesome at something, I think I suck. But my boss thinks I can do a great job, the seniors love me (awww) and I can improve my sports-Dutch as well as my ability to lead a group of really fun people. None of them are good followers, but they try and seem to like a little bit of change and challenge, so they'll keep me hopping!
There is also talk of another hour or two, as-needed, to work with individual clients on their own fitness programs.
I'm so pleased with myself and how my life is going. There are so many struggles I have every day, over small things such as laundry or what to have for dinner, but the big picture... man, is that ever a beautiful sight!
And I am learning about what really matters. I can be such a perfectionist, and I can lose sleep about things that might go wrong... or I can make another choice. I can see what a great life I have, how full it is with wonderful friends and family, and how it keeps getting better and better!!
I have been offered a gig at my gym leading the Senioren Fit (obvious translation probably, but it's the Senior's Fitness) Monday mornings!
I'm a real personal trainer... with a JOB!
I still lack in confidence - but I'm like that. Until I am awesome at something, I think I suck. But my boss thinks I can do a great job, the seniors love me (awww) and I can improve my sports-Dutch as well as my ability to lead a group of really fun people. None of them are good followers, but they try and seem to like a little bit of change and challenge, so they'll keep me hopping!
There is also talk of another hour or two, as-needed, to work with individual clients on their own fitness programs.
I'm so pleased with myself and how my life is going. There are so many struggles I have every day, over small things such as laundry or what to have for dinner, but the big picture... man, is that ever a beautiful sight!
And I am learning about what really matters. I can be such a perfectionist, and I can lose sleep about things that might go wrong... or I can make another choice. I can see what a great life I have, how full it is with wonderful friends and family, and how it keeps getting better and better!!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
So. Tired. Mind. and. Body.
I have been so tired the last few days. And by tired, I mean fatigue that gets in the way of life. A little bit of tired, well, we're all used to that from time to time. Extra tired, a day or two is doable with a few hours catch-up sleep. But I'm talking the kind of tired that makes it hard to socialize because I've lost my train of thought, and I don't get jokes because my mind just isn't going fast enough to catch them! The kind of tired where I sit down with a cup of a tea and wake up when it's gone cold. And worse, the kind of tired that makes me crave sugar, caffeine, bread and fatty foods. Because those foods always help a person feel full of the 3Vs.
(You know, vim, vigor, and vitality. The 3Vs. Get it??)
But, I'm doing my best to drink lots of water, limit the foods that come to mind, and stick to foods that I know are good for my mind and body. Let me tell ya, it ain't easy!
I get like this from time to time. It does seem to happen around the time my period is due. And just for fun, some nausea-inducing rides on the emotional PMS roller-coaster get tossed in. It also seems to happen when I've pushed myself too hard.
Lately, I have been pushing myself a bit. Not too hard, or at least, so I thought. But I had to cancel plans with a friend this week because I needed to rest, so obviously I had put too much on my plate.
I find it so difficult to balance how I feel now and how I'll feel later when looking at my agenda. Sigh.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Microcosm of My Life
This week was really exciting, but also a bit overwhelming. I've set aside the first half of 2o11 to focus on myself... really focus on myself. It feels quite weird, from time to time, but my goal is get to know myself and to give myself a good foundation for the rest of my life.
For my inner happiness I am exploring interests such as personal training, learning French, and socializing more. I'm also working with a life coach, which I've written about here and here, to learn how to love myself unconditionally.
For my physical happiness I am working with a physiotherapist to get limiting pain under management so I can freely pursue my fitness goals. I'm seeing a massage therapist regularly to help with pain management, relaxation and recovery. (I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes. I am currently relatively asymptomatic, and I'm working on keeping it that way!) I'm also back lifting weights a couple of times per week, after trying to focus on aerobic activity for a few weeks and finding that it's still not my cup of tea! I've also started working with a Cesar-therapeut.
What the heck is a Cesar-therapeut? That's what I asked when my massage therapist mentioned it. Therapeut means therapist in Dutch, but that didn't really clarify anything for me. So I googled it. Ummmm. Yeah.
Bravely, based much more on my massage therapist's suggestion than on any understanding of what might happen, I made an appointment. I had my first visit last week. I have never heard of any practitioner in Canada doing anything similar, so I just have to describe it. Basically, a Cesar-therapeut works with people to improve how they move. They work with all age groups in lots of different ways.
After getting me to strip to my undergarments and submit myself to her steely gaze from all angles, my therapeut looked up from her clipboard and said, "Well, you stick your butt out, so then your belly sticks out to compensate, and then you hold your upper-back too far back to compensate, and then you have to round your shoulders forward to compensate for that." I'd been wondering why I've lost a lot of body fat but still had a sticky-out belly!!
In about 5 minutes she had me doing a couple of exercises to correct all of that, that I'm supposed to keep doing on my own. I found it very interesting because the point of the therapy is to get my body moving more naturally - rather than still moving the way I did when I was compensating for intense, constant pain during a two-year-long fibro flareup. And for me to do that on my own, rather than ongoing visits. She wants me to not have to come back at all!
Another new thing that happened this week was an invitation from my boss' business partner to set up a marketing planning sesssion for our gym with the key players at work. This came out of a bunch of marketing ideas I described for them, just for kicks, a few months back. They thought I knew what I was talking about and I'm now exploring a third role at my job! Receptionist, personal trainer, marketing dynamo!
I also ran 5 billion errands, counselled my husband who was really in quite a funk for a few days, worked crazy shifts and had a meltdown about feeling so full of enthusiam and ideas and so stuck on what to do next! Also about my work schedule for next month, but that I resolved by telling the colleague who does up the shift schedule what my limitations are going to be from now on. Assertiveness is my middle name. Ha!
So yes, my life is in a state of limbo, and it drives me nuts. I like to KNOW everything. I don't like plans changing, I don't like the unexpected, I don't like the unknown. But, on the other hand, I am absolutely sure that I am on a great path, that I have a great partner, and that no matter what the future holds, I will be happy anyways!
For my inner happiness I am exploring interests such as personal training, learning French, and socializing more. I'm also working with a life coach, which I've written about here and here, to learn how to love myself unconditionally.
For my physical happiness I am working with a physiotherapist to get limiting pain under management so I can freely pursue my fitness goals. I'm seeing a massage therapist regularly to help with pain management, relaxation and recovery. (I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes. I am currently relatively asymptomatic, and I'm working on keeping it that way!) I'm also back lifting weights a couple of times per week, after trying to focus on aerobic activity for a few weeks and finding that it's still not my cup of tea! I've also started working with a Cesar-therapeut.
What the heck is a Cesar-therapeut? That's what I asked when my massage therapist mentioned it. Therapeut means therapist in Dutch, but that didn't really clarify anything for me. So I googled it. Ummmm. Yeah.
Bravely, based much more on my massage therapist's suggestion than on any understanding of what might happen, I made an appointment. I had my first visit last week. I have never heard of any practitioner in Canada doing anything similar, so I just have to describe it. Basically, a Cesar-therapeut works with people to improve how they move. They work with all age groups in lots of different ways.
After getting me to strip to my undergarments and submit myself to her steely gaze from all angles, my therapeut looked up from her clipboard and said, "Well, you stick your butt out, so then your belly sticks out to compensate, and then you hold your upper-back too far back to compensate, and then you have to round your shoulders forward to compensate for that." I'd been wondering why I've lost a lot of body fat but still had a sticky-out belly!!
In about 5 minutes she had me doing a couple of exercises to correct all of that, that I'm supposed to keep doing on my own. I found it very interesting because the point of the therapy is to get my body moving more naturally - rather than still moving the way I did when I was compensating for intense, constant pain during a two-year-long fibro flareup. And for me to do that on my own, rather than ongoing visits. She wants me to not have to come back at all!
Another new thing that happened this week was an invitation from my boss' business partner to set up a marketing planning sesssion for our gym with the key players at work. This came out of a bunch of marketing ideas I described for them, just for kicks, a few months back. They thought I knew what I was talking about and I'm now exploring a third role at my job! Receptionist, personal trainer, marketing dynamo!
I also ran 5 billion errands, counselled my husband who was really in quite a funk for a few days, worked crazy shifts and had a meltdown about feeling so full of enthusiam and ideas and so stuck on what to do next! Also about my work schedule for next month, but that I resolved by telling the colleague who does up the shift schedule what my limitations are going to be from now on. Assertiveness is my middle name. Ha!
So yes, my life is in a state of limbo, and it drives me nuts. I like to KNOW everything. I don't like plans changing, I don't like the unexpected, I don't like the unknown. But, on the other hand, I am absolutely sure that I am on a great path, that I have a great partner, and that no matter what the future holds, I will be happy anyways!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Does My Life Need a Coach?
I am generally a happy person. I laugh and smile and joke and tease a lot. Even during the happiest days of my life, there are always down moments, but they were generally short-lived. So, I was unpleasantly surprised when I found myself not happy for several months. From about August until just after Christmas, I was sad, angry, frustrated, and impatient.
Why I felt that way was situational, as I've mentioned in previous blogs. Basically, two women I had thought were tried-and-true, friends-for-life grew into people I didn't like anymore. I felt confused and disappointed that they were no longer who I expected them to be. I've also changed as well, and now I don't put up with conduct that I feel is dishonourable, selfish or unkind. So that meant, for these two women, that I had to stop all contact.
But it seemed to really trigger something in me. Those women have genuinely changed, and who they are now is disappointing, with values and conduct that I find weak and vain. Yet, although I found this whole experience distasteful, I was surprised that I found it so upsetting. That's why I felt it was a trigger of some sort. After all, I have 'lost' friends before, but it was never so bitter or unpleasant. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't so... painful.
People come and go in our lives, and people change. I expect that. I don't always like it, but I expect it. So for these two to change, and make their noisy exit, well, it's sad in some ways, but it's also an expected part of life. So what was so upsetting for me??
I couldn't figure it out. Part of it is definitely that I felt taken advantage of, that my kindness and generosity was accepted, but not my friendship. A little bit like in my dating days, if I was out with a new fella and knew it was not going to progress beyond dinner... I always paid for myself. I just never thought it was fair to let a man pay my way if I was just getting a free dinner out of it. If it was part of the getting-to-know-each-other process, part of developing a relationship, or part of an ongoing relationship, sure. But if I realized I was in it only for the meal, I would never let someone pay for dinner when I can pay for myself. So in a way, I guess I feel that I was that poor guy, thinking he's in a relationship and paying for his girl, when the girl is thinking, you better be paying, sucker, and I'm ordering five courses!
And the more I thought about that, the more I realized that I have become more and more someone who is caring towards others, but less and less someone that puts myself first. I love to be caring. I love to help people if I can. I don't want to lose that. But man, I gotta put myself first. I want to learn how to see my own needs more clearly, and to go out and take care of them.
So my MIL suggested I check into a workshop on self-confidence. I asked for a bit more help, and she sent me a couple of links that she found and told me what to search for. (Keep in mind I live in Holland, and even though I am officially fluent in Dutch there are a lot of specific words or phrases or expressions that I don't know. So knowing what to look for was pretty handy!) I checked a couple out, most were quite expensive or inconvenient to get to. I emailed a couple with a few questions.
Later that day, Marloes Elbrink from Stekker Coaching called me in response to my email. I was on my way out so we made an appointment to speak the next day. The next afternoon, she asked me some pretty specific questions to find out what it was I was looking for. She told me that Stekker Coaching wasn't offering any workshops for a couple of months, but she thought that working with a Life Coach might be effective. She invited me to an intake-appointment to see if Life Coaching might have meaning for me.
I decided to take her up on her offer. I'll tell you all about it later!
Why I felt that way was situational, as I've mentioned in previous blogs. Basically, two women I had thought were tried-and-true, friends-for-life grew into people I didn't like anymore. I felt confused and disappointed that they were no longer who I expected them to be. I've also changed as well, and now I don't put up with conduct that I feel is dishonourable, selfish or unkind. So that meant, for these two women, that I had to stop all contact.
But it seemed to really trigger something in me. Those women have genuinely changed, and who they are now is disappointing, with values and conduct that I find weak and vain. Yet, although I found this whole experience distasteful, I was surprised that I found it so upsetting. That's why I felt it was a trigger of some sort. After all, I have 'lost' friends before, but it was never so bitter or unpleasant. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't so... painful.
People come and go in our lives, and people change. I expect that. I don't always like it, but I expect it. So for these two to change, and make their noisy exit, well, it's sad in some ways, but it's also an expected part of life. So what was so upsetting for me??
I couldn't figure it out. Part of it is definitely that I felt taken advantage of, that my kindness and generosity was accepted, but not my friendship. A little bit like in my dating days, if I was out with a new fella and knew it was not going to progress beyond dinner... I always paid for myself. I just never thought it was fair to let a man pay my way if I was just getting a free dinner out of it. If it was part of the getting-to-know-each-other process, part of developing a relationship, or part of an ongoing relationship, sure. But if I realized I was in it only for the meal, I would never let someone pay for dinner when I can pay for myself. So in a way, I guess I feel that I was that poor guy, thinking he's in a relationship and paying for his girl, when the girl is thinking, you better be paying, sucker, and I'm ordering five courses!
And the more I thought about that, the more I realized that I have become more and more someone who is caring towards others, but less and less someone that puts myself first. I love to be caring. I love to help people if I can. I don't want to lose that. But man, I gotta put myself first. I want to learn how to see my own needs more clearly, and to go out and take care of them.
So my MIL suggested I check into a workshop on self-confidence. I asked for a bit more help, and she sent me a couple of links that she found and told me what to search for. (Keep in mind I live in Holland, and even though I am officially fluent in Dutch there are a lot of specific words or phrases or expressions that I don't know. So knowing what to look for was pretty handy!) I checked a couple out, most were quite expensive or inconvenient to get to. I emailed a couple with a few questions.
Later that day, Marloes Elbrink from Stekker Coaching called me in response to my email. I was on my way out so we made an appointment to speak the next day. The next afternoon, she asked me some pretty specific questions to find out what it was I was looking for. She told me that Stekker Coaching wasn't offering any workshops for a couple of months, but she thought that working with a Life Coach might be effective. She invited me to an intake-appointment to see if Life Coaching might have meaning for me.
I decided to take her up on her offer. I'll tell you all about it later!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Fear Doesn't Stop Me
So I did have to call that former friend's mother to get my keys and bank-pass back. I found the whole experience very upsetting, but I am glad that my life is not cluttered with someone like A anymore.
I know A's mother personally, in fact, she's also known as my Vancouver-mom. She's also my real-estate agent, and a fine one at that. I had asked her to handle selling my Canadian property prior to all of this blowing up with A, and I have to admit, I was nervous about going forward since I knew her through A.
Of course, she and my mother know each other, and she came to my wedding as my guest, so my personal and professional relationship with her has nothing to do with her kid. But still.
It was really tough to call her. I felt there was a lot at risk. For one thing, calling her and asking for her help in dealing with A was my final surrender that good times, trust, or even basic human interactions with A were a thing of the past. I had to admit to myself that A is no longer someone that has meaning in my life. I also felt a bit uncertain asking for help in dealing with her. A's behaviour had become so bizarre that I couldn't handle it on my own.
Now, perhaps A's refusal to speak to me is not in itself bizarre, but to refuse to speak to me or to my cousins, and to refuse to return house keys and a bank-pass... that is not just unpleasant and passive-aggressive and childish, but aggressively irresponsible! And none of those things were what I expected from A. So, while that unpleasant surprise is disappointing, at least I know more now.
I was also a bit fearful that A's mom would have chosen sides in some way, and be unable to maintain our relationship. That would be too bad no matter what, but it would also be very inconvenient to search for a new real estate agent I could trust, from Holland.
Fortunately, A's mom was pleased to hear from me as usual, and happily offered to help me get my things returned to my cousin, and assured me that A had nothing to do with us.
I'm really glad that J encouraged me to rehearse what I wanted to accomplish, so that I didn't drag A's mom into my sadness or hurt over A's behaviour. And that I made the call and got what I needed done. I'd already delayed several weeks because I knew A's new boyfriend was visiting, and it was Christmas and then New Year's and I didn't want to be causing her a problem.
How nice of me.... especially when I now see that my being so thoughtful was actually just avoiding a confrontation. Sigh.
But I did it. I was nervous and uncertain, and I did it anyway. Isn't that great! And A dropped everything off with a cousin the next day. Yay!
I know A's mother personally, in fact, she's also known as my Vancouver-mom. She's also my real-estate agent, and a fine one at that. I had asked her to handle selling my Canadian property prior to all of this blowing up with A, and I have to admit, I was nervous about going forward since I knew her through A.
Of course, she and my mother know each other, and she came to my wedding as my guest, so my personal and professional relationship with her has nothing to do with her kid. But still.
It was really tough to call her. I felt there was a lot at risk. For one thing, calling her and asking for her help in dealing with A was my final surrender that good times, trust, or even basic human interactions with A were a thing of the past. I had to admit to myself that A is no longer someone that has meaning in my life. I also felt a bit uncertain asking for help in dealing with her. A's behaviour had become so bizarre that I couldn't handle it on my own.
Now, perhaps A's refusal to speak to me is not in itself bizarre, but to refuse to speak to me or to my cousins, and to refuse to return house keys and a bank-pass... that is not just unpleasant and passive-aggressive and childish, but aggressively irresponsible! And none of those things were what I expected from A. So, while that unpleasant surprise is disappointing, at least I know more now.
I was also a bit fearful that A's mom would have chosen sides in some way, and be unable to maintain our relationship. That would be too bad no matter what, but it would also be very inconvenient to search for a new real estate agent I could trust, from Holland.
Fortunately, A's mom was pleased to hear from me as usual, and happily offered to help me get my things returned to my cousin, and assured me that A had nothing to do with us.
I'm really glad that J encouraged me to rehearse what I wanted to accomplish, so that I didn't drag A's mom into my sadness or hurt over A's behaviour. And that I made the call and got what I needed done. I'd already delayed several weeks because I knew A's new boyfriend was visiting, and it was Christmas and then New Year's and I didn't want to be causing her a problem.
How nice of me.... especially when I now see that my being so thoughtful was actually just avoiding a confrontation. Sigh.
But I did it. I was nervous and uncertain, and I did it anyway. Isn't that great! And A dropped everything off with a cousin the next day. Yay!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Whoooah on that Whew!
Sheesh... this whole thing with the former-friend refusing to return the keys and bank pass has gotten completely out of hand! I've decided to wait until Sunday, as I have some great plans I don't intend to let get ruined by this foolishness, and then I'll have to call her mom. If it doesn't get resolved very quickly by doing that, it's off to the police.
I know the police won't be able to do anything, and probably her mom won't either, but at least I'll have done everything possible to get my things returned.
I think I've let it get this far (about 2 months of unresponded to messages by me and my cousins who live nearby) out of trying to protect her from the embarassment of exposing her behaviour to others. But I have to stop doing what I think is 'right', and get on with doing what I need to do to make my life happy. And cutting off all contact with this person is exactly the right choice. After I get my keys and bankpass from her!!
And really, I'm just indulging in some wishful thinking if I believe someone who could behave this way for this long would be embarassed about it! Obviously it's her thing!
It's a good life lesson for me though, that people do change, and sometimes into untrustworthy and unpleasant people to be around. And when that happens, it's fair to make an effort to ask about the changes or for things to change back. Once.
Then take control of what I can take control of, and leave the mess for the one who made it to clean up.
I know the police won't be able to do anything, and probably her mom won't either, but at least I'll have done everything possible to get my things returned.
I think I've let it get this far (about 2 months of unresponded to messages by me and my cousins who live nearby) out of trying to protect her from the embarassment of exposing her behaviour to others. But I have to stop doing what I think is 'right', and get on with doing what I need to do to make my life happy. And cutting off all contact with this person is exactly the right choice. After I get my keys and bankpass from her!!
And really, I'm just indulging in some wishful thinking if I believe someone who could behave this way for this long would be embarassed about it! Obviously it's her thing!
It's a good life lesson for me though, that people do change, and sometimes into untrustworthy and unpleasant people to be around. And when that happens, it's fair to make an effort to ask about the changes or for things to change back. Once.
Then take control of what I can take control of, and leave the mess for the one who made it to clean up.
Friday, January 14, 2011
A Tentative Whew!
So.... the former friend back in Canada, the one who was really un-friendly to me when I was going through a tough time, has finally responded to the many requests from me and my family members and is supposedly going to return the keys to my apartment and my bank pass to them this week!!
What a relief! She agreed to do this two months ago, but then slowly turned into some kind of crazy person and eventually just refused to reply to my emails asking her about it. If I saw her online and sent her a message, she'd ignore it. I notice she has disappeared from my social contact sites like Facebook and MSN.
It's so weird. She used to be a pretty normal person, but I guess something really changed for her when her former relationship ended. She is now involved with a friend of mine, and that friend has basically said that he won't let her interfere with us still being friends. And thank goodness, as within the first week of their relationship (when she was still my 'friend'), she'd told me that he had told her that he felt uncomfortable around me. I was surprised, naturally, and asked him about it. He had no idea what she was talking about. And then, she denied saying it. At first I chalked it up to a misunderstanding, but given how weird things have become, maybe not!
A huge burden will be lifted from my shoulders when she finally hands my stuff over. I was starting to worry about whether I'd have to call the police or something to get those things back. And, since she's dating a friend, and I know her mom, how awkward would that be!?!
I've been looking around to see if there is any advice about how to keep your friendship when they've chosen a partner who you don't like, and mostly, the advice is to keep your opinions to yourself. Which actually, I totally agree with. But, normally I am available to my friends to talk about anything and everything. Now the problem is that I don't want to hear about anything to do with my former friend.
So I guess he'll just have to talk about his relationship and his life with her with someone else. I'm not used to setting limits on my friendships, though. But of course, that's ok, isn't it? To just not be available for certain things, even if you usually are. We all have limits, and I can set my own. I don't want to be less of a friend to him though. But I guess I have to be less than what I think is my usual friendship-self, in order to look after myself here.
What a relief! She agreed to do this two months ago, but then slowly turned into some kind of crazy person and eventually just refused to reply to my emails asking her about it. If I saw her online and sent her a message, she'd ignore it. I notice she has disappeared from my social contact sites like Facebook and MSN.
It's so weird. She used to be a pretty normal person, but I guess something really changed for her when her former relationship ended. She is now involved with a friend of mine, and that friend has basically said that he won't let her interfere with us still being friends. And thank goodness, as within the first week of their relationship (when she was still my 'friend'), she'd told me that he had told her that he felt uncomfortable around me. I was surprised, naturally, and asked him about it. He had no idea what she was talking about. And then, she denied saying it. At first I chalked it up to a misunderstanding, but given how weird things have become, maybe not!
A huge burden will be lifted from my shoulders when she finally hands my stuff over. I was starting to worry about whether I'd have to call the police or something to get those things back. And, since she's dating a friend, and I know her mom, how awkward would that be!?!
I've been looking around to see if there is any advice about how to keep your friendship when they've chosen a partner who you don't like, and mostly, the advice is to keep your opinions to yourself. Which actually, I totally agree with. But, normally I am available to my friends to talk about anything and everything. Now the problem is that I don't want to hear about anything to do with my former friend.
So I guess he'll just have to talk about his relationship and his life with her with someone else. I'm not used to setting limits on my friendships, though. But of course, that's ok, isn't it? To just not be available for certain things, even if you usually are. We all have limits, and I can set my own. I don't want to be less of a friend to him though. But I guess I have to be less than what I think is my usual friendship-self, in order to look after myself here.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Evening with Friends
We always have such a nice time when we visit our friends Ed & Els. They have two sons, which lets us peek in on our own future as we prepare to start our own family. They are very nice people, and we don't do anything particularly special, but I enjoy it so much.
Here is the pattern. We show up around 4-5 pm. We socialize a bit. I find it very interesting to see how the kids have changed since the last visit. The most recent visit, the older son had just started to talk, and the younger kid was really showing his personality by his crazy crawl (one knee, one foot) and moving fast towards anything that caught his eye.
Another fun thing about Ed and Els is to talk to them about what's changed in their lives with the addition of children. We've really learned that it seems to depend on your lifestyle. If you mostly like hanging around at home, or doing more simple things, then not a huge amount changes. If we were people who went out to dinner or to the theatre or clubbing most days of the week, or travelled so much that we were barely home, then kids would get in the way of our lifestyle.
Interesting!
Then we have dinner, usually something fairly simple or prepared ahead so that time in the kitchen is less. Then we have a small dessert (chocolate mousse last time mmmm). Then a bit more chat, the kids are put to bed, and out come the card games.
Our current favourite is Tichu. Very complicated, but now that I've played 4-5 games, involving at least 10 rounds each game, I'm much better. Not yet a good player, but not a weak player anymore. Yay me! The game itself takes between 40 minutes to an hour and a half to play. Usually we have chips and dip... and I drink Diet Coke to offset all the junk food!
Another fun game we've played is Guillotine. That was fun, chopping people's head off! Not complicated, and a game takes only around 30 minutes to play.
J and I have recently decided to start playing more games together. We've been to a couple of game nights at friends, and always have fun. It's nice if we know the people a bit, and develop our friendship at the same time. J is a bit of a game freak, but I like the balance of getting to know people a bit better as we go along as well.
Here is the pattern. We show up around 4-5 pm. We socialize a bit. I find it very interesting to see how the kids have changed since the last visit. The most recent visit, the older son had just started to talk, and the younger kid was really showing his personality by his crazy crawl (one knee, one foot) and moving fast towards anything that caught his eye.
Another fun thing about Ed and Els is to talk to them about what's changed in their lives with the addition of children. We've really learned that it seems to depend on your lifestyle. If you mostly like hanging around at home, or doing more simple things, then not a huge amount changes. If we were people who went out to dinner or to the theatre or clubbing most days of the week, or travelled so much that we were barely home, then kids would get in the way of our lifestyle.
Interesting!
Then we have dinner, usually something fairly simple or prepared ahead so that time in the kitchen is less. Then we have a small dessert (chocolate mousse last time mmmm). Then a bit more chat, the kids are put to bed, and out come the card games.
Our current favourite is Tichu. Very complicated, but now that I've played 4-5 games, involving at least 10 rounds each game, I'm much better. Not yet a good player, but not a weak player anymore. Yay me! The game itself takes between 40 minutes to an hour and a half to play. Usually we have chips and dip... and I drink Diet Coke to offset all the junk food!
Another fun game we've played is Guillotine. That was fun, chopping people's head off! Not complicated, and a game takes only around 30 minutes to play.
J and I have recently decided to start playing more games together. We've been to a couple of game nights at friends, and always have fun. It's nice if we know the people a bit, and develop our friendship at the same time. J is a bit of a game freak, but I like the balance of getting to know people a bit better as we go along as well.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Feeling Blue
I got my period today. After quite some goings-on last night, which included another night of not enough sleep. So with the cramps and the hormones and the cravings, I've had better days.
I'm feeling quite lonely. I have made a couple of real friends here, and have reconnected with a great friend back in Canada. I have a wonderful husband whose company I enjoy. But I miss how easy life was - or at least, how easy it appears in my memories.
I wish life was less complicated. I wish that former-friend who has stopped talking to me would have first returned the keys to my apartment to my family members. I feel a lot of pressure to try to figure out how to deal with her odd behaviour so that my family gets the keys. I need to have someone a bit more *ahem* mature available to handle anything that comes up regarding my apartment back in Canada.
I wish I knew where to go to do the things I like to do. I wish I was just a tidge more enthusiastic about trying things on my own. I wish I knew more people who like to do stuff I can just tag along with, as then I don't have to figure stuff out or try things on my own.
I wish I had a large steak and several bars of chocolate in the house.
I wish I knew how to change my attitude, and just enjoy myself!!
I'm feeling quite lonely. I have made a couple of real friends here, and have reconnected with a great friend back in Canada. I have a wonderful husband whose company I enjoy. But I miss how easy life was - or at least, how easy it appears in my memories.
I wish life was less complicated. I wish that former-friend who has stopped talking to me would have first returned the keys to my apartment to my family members. I feel a lot of pressure to try to figure out how to deal with her odd behaviour so that my family gets the keys. I need to have someone a bit more *ahem* mature available to handle anything that comes up regarding my apartment back in Canada.
I wish I knew where to go to do the things I like to do. I wish I was just a tidge more enthusiastic about trying things on my own. I wish I knew more people who like to do stuff I can just tag along with, as then I don't have to figure stuff out or try things on my own.
I wish I had a large steak and several bars of chocolate in the house.
I wish I knew how to change my attitude, and just enjoy myself!!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Finding Forgiveness
I wrote an email the other day, to one of my former friends. It doesn't matter that I sent it, or if she gets it, or responds... but it does matter that I could find a way to make tangible how I feel about her and what happened.
I miss her. Maybe the friendship was a bit one-sided, maybe it is absolutely fine that we make our ways separately now. But I was so angry, and that kept me stalled, unable to let go inside my head.
I was angry because I was frustrated. I needed someone to blame, but there was no one. I did my best as I always do... and I'm sure that she valued my friendship as well and didn't want to trash it completely either. But even if one or the other of us did something that became the 'last straw', the real problem was that neither of us are perfect, and both of us were intolerant of that.
I am happy with who I am, but I am still learning to love myself. I let the fact that someone was not happy with me affect me quite deeply. I think that's because I put pressure on myself to be perfect. If I were perfect, then everyone will always love me, and everything will always be fine. I somehow overlook that I have yet to meet a perfect person, and I love a whole bunch of them anyway!
And of course, the problem with perfect is that it is no definition at all. Even if I were what I thought was objectively perfect, there would be other, non-perfect people, who would not find me perfect at all. So, the objective part is crap! And once objectivity is out the window, it seems a lot easier to just let people go.
It is too bad that I've had such a difficult time these past few months. It is too bad that some people that I expected to be there to add joy and kindness and support to my life slammed the door in my face instead. It is too bad that I thought I had to be different in order to earn their love and kindness, when all I had to do was accept that they were not who I expected them to be.
And forgive them, and myself, for just being.
I miss her. Maybe the friendship was a bit one-sided, maybe it is absolutely fine that we make our ways separately now. But I was so angry, and that kept me stalled, unable to let go inside my head.
I was angry because I was frustrated. I needed someone to blame, but there was no one. I did my best as I always do... and I'm sure that she valued my friendship as well and didn't want to trash it completely either. But even if one or the other of us did something that became the 'last straw', the real problem was that neither of us are perfect, and both of us were intolerant of that.
I am happy with who I am, but I am still learning to love myself. I let the fact that someone was not happy with me affect me quite deeply. I think that's because I put pressure on myself to be perfect. If I were perfect, then everyone will always love me, and everything will always be fine. I somehow overlook that I have yet to meet a perfect person, and I love a whole bunch of them anyway!
And of course, the problem with perfect is that it is no definition at all. Even if I were what I thought was objectively perfect, there would be other, non-perfect people, who would not find me perfect at all. So, the objective part is crap! And once objectivity is out the window, it seems a lot easier to just let people go.
It is too bad that I've had such a difficult time these past few months. It is too bad that some people that I expected to be there to add joy and kindness and support to my life slammed the door in my face instead. It is too bad that I thought I had to be different in order to earn their love and kindness, when all I had to do was accept that they were not who I expected them to be.
And forgive them, and myself, for just being.
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