Monday, January 3, 2011

Finding Forgiveness

I wrote an email the other day, to one of my former friends. It doesn't matter that I sent it, or if she gets it, or responds... but it does matter that I could find a way to make tangible how I feel about her and what happened.

I miss her. Maybe the friendship was a bit one-sided, maybe it is absolutely fine that we make our ways separately now. But I was so angry, and that kept me stalled, unable to let go inside my head.

I was angry because I was frustrated. I needed someone to blame, but there was no one. I did my best as I always do... and I'm sure that she valued my friendship as well and didn't want to trash it completely either. But even if one or the other of us did something that became the 'last straw', the real problem was that neither of us are perfect, and both of us were intolerant of that.

I am happy with who I am, but I am still learning to love myself. I let the fact that someone was not happy with me affect me quite deeply. I think that's because I put pressure on myself to be perfect. If I were perfect, then everyone will always love me, and everything will always be fine. I somehow overlook that I have yet to meet a perfect person, and I love a whole bunch of them anyway!

And of course, the problem with perfect is that it is no definition at all. Even if I were what I thought was objectively perfect, there would be other, non-perfect people, who would not find me perfect at all. So, the objective part is crap! And once objectivity is out the window, it seems a lot easier to just let people go.

It is too bad that I've had such a difficult time these past few months. It is too bad that some people that I expected to be there to add joy and kindness and support to my life slammed the door in my face instead. It is too bad that I thought I had to be different in order to earn their love and kindness, when all I had to do was accept that they were not who I expected them to be.

And forgive them, and myself, for just being.

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