Monkey off my Back!

I read that expression recently, and thought, Bingo!

I find this process of looking inside myself, of trying to see who I am, very interesting. I'm very confident with my values, and yet I find it hard to stand up for myself.

That's why I get so angry, sometimes I am even perceived as aggressive, when inside I am feeling pushed around.

I am so idealistic that it has caused me to end friendships. I have no regrets there, of course my life is better without those monkeys on my back. Yet, I am sad. I am hurt, personally, by these sad excuses for humanity. It's not the lying, the cheating, the selfishness in the specific that causes me pain, it's the knowledge that that is the very best that person can offer the world. And shock of course at the affront to my values. (Maybe a bit sanctimonious, but doing the right thing isn't easy... it's just right. Stop being lazy and grow up.)

And what I need to do is work on being ok from walking away from those people. I am so idealistic, I want to help them. But it really is trying to teach an old dog new tricks. Only the old dog died a while ago!

I guess Bing Crosby was right, all the monkeys aren't in the zoo, every day you meet quite a few! But whether the monkey is on my back or talking behind my back, I guess I'm a step ahead.

I Married the Best Guy Ever

I've been married two years now. I am still surprised to this day at what a great choice I made when I chose him.

He thinks I'm wonderful and interesting. I can do no wrong. Well, I can annoy him, and he doesn't like how I behave sometimes, but he still thinks I get up in the morning and hang out the sun.

He is interested when I'm sobbing and snotting about something, when I'm angry, when I'm happy, and when he hasn't seen me for a few hours. He wants to help me be happy, and will gladly make an effort to make my life easier. He appreciates all the things I do to make his life easier and more joyful.

What I love most about our relationship is that I know all of those qualities he shows are his choice. He chooses to be interested in me, he chooses to make the effort for us to work, he chooses to appreciate me.

And he's sexy as all get out!

I sometimes take him, and us, for granted. And when I catch myself doing that, I make the effort again to take an interest, to make the effort, to appreciate him. And he knows that I choose him, every day. At least, he better!!

Attempted Break-in!!

Some idiots tried to rob us!

We weren't home at the time, but our neighbours heard some suspicious noises. They looked out their window, and saw a couple of guys in our backyard. Then they heard a window break. They called the police immediately.

Another neighbour's teenage daughter was home alone, and heard about the police being called, so she called her older brother and told him about it, and asked him to come home.

He came, with his friend, his friend's large dog, and carried a screwdriver as a potential defensive weapon. They went over to our garden, and nothing seemed to be going on. They walked around again, and the police met them. The police arrested them as the suspects!

When we got home about 3 hours later, the father of the young man picked up by the police came over to our car to let us know what happened. I'm glad he did, because it was a bit upsetting to walk in even knowing what had happened.

No one actually came in, so of course nothing was stolen. But there was broken glass all over our back-door entry area, which is basically our kitchen/dining area. There was a huge stone in the kitchen, and a big dent in our fridge. The glass-setters had already been by, arranged by the police, and have put up temporary glass. But of course the temporary solution isn't weatherproof, and it is cold and drafty by the window now.

J went to the police station to file a report, even though we saw and know nothing. Filing a report with no information took him almost 45 minutes. He just shook his head that filling in paperwork takes so long, even when there is nothing to fill in!

So, we're shaken but not stirred. We're still walking carefully with shoes on, even though I am pretty sure I cleaned up every shard. I guess that careful feeling will last a while. I'm looking forward to moving back into an apartment when we get around to moving though!

Finally a Nice Day!

Today was such a pleasant day!

Even though I was pretty tired at waking-up-time, I still managed to drag myself out of bed. My husband was very annoying, all cheerful and everything first thing in the morning. I just can't understand people who are full of energy and enthusiasm before breakfast. And since it's wintertime, we don't see the sun until 8:30 or so in the morning... how is it possible to be full of the three Vs before breakfast or sunshine?? But I digress.

I then decided to check out the spinning class offered at my gym. Wow. I haven't done a spinning class in at least 10 years, if not longer. I always figured that I cycle so much just to get around (I live in Holland, remember? lol) that I'd rather do something else. But it was so challenging!! I have already developed strong love-hate feelings.

Then I relaxed with a cup of coffee, made my grocery/to-do list, and headed off to the supermarket. Shopping done, home to tidy up before guests came for lunch. One of my Bahá'í friends and her daughter and niece came by for a delicious 'wrap' session. We ate wraps and rapped about life and Bahá'í stuff, and shared some prayers!!

Once they left, I took the opportunity to chat with my mom for about an hour! My mom is such a great person. I really enjoy how much she's been enjoying her life lately.

Then I made a couple of appointments for myself. I made an appointment for an intake-session with a life-coach, an appointment for lunch with another Bahá'í friend - one I haven't seen for quite a while - and an appointment for a massage.

I love making such pleasant appointments for myself. Really makes getting up in the mornings that much easier!

Finding Forgiveness

I wrote an email the other day, to one of my former friends. It doesn't matter that I sent it, or if she gets it, or responds... but it does matter that I could find a way to make tangible how I feel about her and what happened.

I miss her. Maybe the friendship was a bit one-sided, maybe it is absolutely fine that we make our ways separately now. But I was so angry, and that kept me stalled, unable to let go inside my head.

I was angry because I was frustrated. I needed someone to blame, but there was no one. I did my best as I always do... and I'm sure that she valued my friendship as well and didn't want to trash it completely either. But even if one or the other of us did something that became the 'last straw', the real problem was that neither of us are perfect, and both of us were intolerant of that.

I am happy with who I am, but I am still learning to love myself. I let the fact that someone was not happy with me affect me quite deeply. I think that's because I put pressure on myself to be perfect. If I were perfect, then everyone will always love me, and everything will always be fine. I somehow overlook that I have yet to meet a perfect person, and I love a whole bunch of them anyway!

And of course, the problem with perfect is that it is no definition at all. Even if I were what I thought was objectively perfect, there would be other, non-perfect people, who would not find me perfect at all. So, the objective part is crap! And once objectivity is out the window, it seems a lot easier to just let people go.

It is too bad that I've had such a difficult time these past few months. It is too bad that some people that I expected to be there to add joy and kindness and support to my life slammed the door in my face instead. It is too bad that I thought I had to be different in order to earn their love and kindness, when all I had to do was accept that they were not who I expected them to be.

And forgive them, and myself, for just being.

Friends on the B-list

Going from my most recent post, in which I have given S. a place in my past and my heart, and moved on, I am now ready to make a place for a current friendship-in-jeopardy.

This particular woman is generally quite nice and friendly and fun, but lately has been going through a lot of exciting, mostly positive, but still overwhelming, changes. She has not chosen to confide in me much, which I notice and mind only a bit, as of course I am curious about her, her life, what's she's up to... but I understand that she's distracted with her own life, and we can always catch up later.

As I was quite distracted (and distraught) with my own stuff, I failed to realize how unavailable she was - and possibly always is/has been, I am not yet sure about that - and asked her to be there to talk with me about what's been going on for me. She said no.

She explained that she's busy with her own life. She told me that she only wants to keep things light and fun, and doesn't want to talk about anything deep. She said that she is my friend, not my therapist. She said I should talk to my other friends instead. She also said that since we've been friends for so long, that we'll always be friends, but that she doesn't know when she'll be ready to be a 'real' friend again. She told me that she's had the experience of it being years before a friend is available again.

Now, all of that is a bit unpleasant when you are expecting a welcoming hug and an ear to bend. What I think crossed the line from setting a limit for her to actually being unkind to me was the part about the therapist. That, to me at least, sounded as though she thinks I have mental health issues. I was feeling blue and wanted to talk about what was on my mind with a friend - the leap from there to mental health problems seems quite a leap indeed. So, she may believe I am mentally unhinged, or - more likely - wants me to know, in no uncertain terms, that she doesn't want to play a part in my life right now.

And that's ok. I don't know if this is who she is, or just who she is right now, but I do have my own life and my own friends (and, if needed, my own therapist lol!). And although I loved being close friends with her in the past, I have learned that she is not gentle with me when I am going through tough times. And that is too bad, but good to know.

Losing Faith in Others

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that loving myself is the same as loving God... and faith in God is the same as faith in myself. And I can just keep practicing turning towards God to help me learn to love myself. I'm quite relieved to have figured that out!

What is still niggling me is how much faith in others I've lost. Some of that lost faith is specific to particular individuals, and some is with people in general.

I no longer have faith that others are to be trusted. I am just coming to realize how rare and special it is that I am so open and generous. When I see someone, even a stranger, who seems to be unhappy, I offer to help. I have always wanted to be kind to others whenever I can. And here is where that dreaded idealism kicks in... I never saw it as a choice, I just thought my kindness to others was how people treat each other. I've been shocked by how unkind some people can be, but I have just assumed there was something wrong with them.

I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that my belief that people are nice to each other whenever possible is really an expectation about the world. And that this expectation doesn't actually serve me well at all. I've quit jobs, ended relationships, even moved homes to escape the feelings of hurt and anger experienced from this unfulfilled expectation. Now that I read my words, my behaviour seems extreme, but in context, I saw people as withholding basic human decency in how they behaved towards me. In my perception of the world, that was outright nasty of them... and that nastiness sure seemed personal.