Thursday, December 23, 2010

Friends on the B-list

Going from my most recent post, in which I have given S. a place in my past and my heart, and moved on, I am now ready to make a place for a current friendship-in-jeopardy.

This particular woman is generally quite nice and friendly and fun, but lately has been going through a lot of exciting, mostly positive, but still overwhelming, changes. She has not chosen to confide in me much, which I notice and mind only a bit, as of course I am curious about her, her life, what's she's up to... but I understand that she's distracted with her own life, and we can always catch up later.

As I was quite distracted (and distraught) with my own stuff, I failed to realize how unavailable she was - and possibly always is/has been, I am not yet sure about that - and asked her to be there to talk with me about what's been going on for me. She said no.

She explained that she's busy with her own life. She told me that she only wants to keep things light and fun, and doesn't want to talk about anything deep. She said that she is my friend, not my therapist. She said I should talk to my other friends instead. She also said that since we've been friends for so long, that we'll always be friends, but that she doesn't know when she'll be ready to be a 'real' friend again. She told me that she's had the experience of it being years before a friend is available again.

Now, all of that is a bit unpleasant when you are expecting a welcoming hug and an ear to bend. What I think crossed the line from setting a limit for her to actually being unkind to me was the part about the therapist. That, to me at least, sounded as though she thinks I have mental health issues. I was feeling blue and wanted to talk about what was on my mind with a friend - the leap from there to mental health problems seems quite a leap indeed. So, she may believe I am mentally unhinged, or - more likely - wants me to know, in no uncertain terms, that she doesn't want to play a part in my life right now.

And that's ok. I don't know if this is who she is, or just who she is right now, but I do have my own life and my own friends (and, if needed, my own therapist lol!). And although I loved being close friends with her in the past, I have learned that she is not gentle with me when I am going through tough times. And that is too bad, but good to know.

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