No Mo' Drama

As I've been moving along in my goal of putting myself first, I've realized how much I dislike conflict. I always knew I didn't like it, after all, who does? People who thrive on winning an argument often win nothing else, and like Dr. Phil says, "Do you wanna be right? Or do you wanna be happy?"

What I'm realizing most recently is that I also find it upsetting when my values conflict with another's. Perhaps because I see no resolution, after all, our values are central to how we engage in the world, so when I run into someone who has a fundamentally opposite approach to me, I don't really know where, or if, any middle ground might be.

I don't want to become someone who insists that everyone around me think as I do, that is so annoying! And boring, really. I love differences. But I suppose difference can go too far.

And when it comes right down to it, when I look at someone else's life and think it's just a soap opera, I don't want to be part of it.

Obviously, in most cases, how people raise their kids, relate to their spouses, or choose to spend their time and money, is none of my business. But most people don't cross my imaginary lines. From time to time, I feel trapped. I have had friends where, all of a sudden, I am shocked by what they set as a priority. It's not my place to say whether their priorities are right or wrong, but I guess I have to recognize that the friendship has shifted an awful lot for me to be shocked by them.

Perhaps the friend has gone through some changes recently, perhaps I just never noticed where their values lay. Perhaps the friendship was just never deep enough for me to know their character very well.

It's hard to love someone, to enjoy their company, and yet to find myself thinking, Hmmm... maybe I'm happier with you further away from my heart.

On the other hand, I do appreciate the growth I've made in this area. As sad as it is, it's still nice to recognize that I'm not wasting my time or energy, or hurting myself or my friend, by trying to make things different. I will honour the friendship by finding out more, and withholding judgement as much as I can. But if that friend's life is the soap opera I seem to have been seeing lately, I don't want to join the cast. I don't even want to watch. I'll just change the channel.

Let the Past Be

I recently got one of those forwarded emails from a friend, and glancing through it I was struck by something.

One of the lines says, "Don't worry about people from your past. There's a reason they didn't make it to your future."

This really touched me, as I was recently thinking about those two women who used to be good friends and are no longer part of my life. I was thinking I'd like to find some way to honour the good times, sort of like a funeral. At a funeral you're sad that someone you love or who had meaning for you is gone, but you remember what you liked and enjoyed about that person. And whether their death is sudden, expected, or figurative, I think it can be the same. And in the case of a figurative funeral, the only difference is that the person is still alive, wandering the earth somewhere. It's just by choice that their lives no longer touch yours.

So here, in alphabetical order, are eulogies for my two friends, A & S, who have recently passed on.

I loved how funny A was. I remember so many giggles and hilariously confusing conversations! I liked feeling like a bit of big sister, helping her with a few things when I could. I loved just hanging around, talking about this and that or making plans for something. I remember how thoughtful she was. If she wasn't sure, she always used to err on the side of pitching in, offering to help, or bringing home dinner in case I hadn't eaten yet. She was terrific. She was curious about so many things, had an obsession with British royal history, and said whatever came to her mind.... which was sometimes entirely appropos, and sometimes shocking! I will miss the friend she was very much indeed.

S was so much fun! I remember so many talks, about so many things, interrupted only by sleep, homework, and somebody making the tea. She taught me to cook. She was so smart, I loved how articulate she was. I never had to explain the words I used, because she used them too. I remember laughing to the point of tears for no good reason, just because we were having fun together. I tend to be a pretty conservative person, so I thought she could be reckless, but the good I got out of that was to be a bit more adventurous. She was very driven and was a really hard worker. She found bugs very interesting, and tried to explain their little body parts, or their life-cycle, or motivation to appear on the kitchen counter to me while I stood there screaming for her to KILL IT! She was always willing to try and to help. I miss that terrific woman very much.

Although I am grateful for what was, there is indeed a reason why those two people didn't make it to my future. I'm grateful for that too. And now this chapter is closed.

I am so thankful for my wonderful friends and family. To those of you who are part of my past and my future, I love you, I respect you, and most of all, I enjoy you. A future with you in it is a future I am going to enjoy!

Parenthood

My own value system, perhaps based on what it's like to be raised by people with a different set of values, includes the following:

1. Don't have a kid if you aren't willing to make this new person a very high priority for the next 20 years.
2. If things don't work out with a partner but you have a kid together, you still have to make the kid a priority until the kid is 20.
3. I don't care how great your new partner is, a new relationship and/or a new kid does not mean the old kid is any less of a priority.
4. By priority, I mean spend time being a parent. I don't mean money.
5. By being a parent, I mean be consistent, listen, and remember that a kid is a kid, not a small adult.
6. Giving a kid what they want is usually a bad idea. Giving a kid what they need means YOU have to be responsible and help them grow.
   
7. If you are choosing between caring for your kid or anything else, you're looking at your life wrong.
8. Being a parent is important. Anyone can contribute DNA, but not everyone should. Know thyself (and your partner!).
9. It doesn't matter if your kid likes you. If you are trying to please your kid, you're looking at your life wrong.
10. If you've been CONSISTENT while they were little, as they get older all you'll have to do is LISTEN and LOVE. If not, you may want to put 9-1-1 on speeddial.
    

Angry

I was pretty pissed off earlier today. I was thinking about my recently-ended friendships, and I got mad that I wasn't loved by those people. Yes, I see the conflict. I don't want those friendships, and I resent that neither do they.

I spent some time thinking about how unavoidable it all was, and how disappointing. I tried to help them with their problems - problems big picture and the problems they had with me in the much smaller picture - but I came to realize that I can't help someone any more than they are willing (or able) to help themselves. And that I have limits.

I'd never really known that I have limits before. I am sensitive. There are so many things I am not afraid of. I can handle really heavy stuff - I've had to, to become who I am now. But I will not continue a relationship when there's unkindness.

I used to. Growing up, there was a lot of unkindness. It seemed my life really was a battlefield, with nary a word of love and encouragement. There was name-calling, there was anger and cruelty, there was humiliation and withdrawal of love.... and I suspect that the fact that I still want to mend a damaged, painful relationship has more to do with those youthful years than with the current friendships.

The truth is, I no longer enjoyed the company of my (former) friends. And so my good-bye is not bitter-sweet at all. The realization that my unwillingness to let them go gently, and my hurt feelings that they (also) no longer care, is me hurting myself... that's bitter-sweet. Good to realize, hard to learn from.

But I will.

Lovin' Me!

I've decided to study this prayer for a while as my way of reconnecting with God. I think it's perfect because of the words "I beg Thee to forgive me for shutting myself out from Thee." I have been the one to turn away from the love and happiness in life. It was only temporary, but that turning away was born of bad habits built up over time. And my new habit is to turn towards God.

I currently see God as an ever-shining sun, full of love and warmth and joy. My job for now is to just turn to God. In the future I will move towards God, and do my best to reflect that love and joy. But for now, just turning towards love and life and happiness is enough.

I have so much to celebrate. I married the best guy ever, I have wonderful friends and family, and I meet more wonderful people all the time. I am curious and interested in my own life and that of others. I can't wait to find out what fresh discoveries and joys and interests I will uncover. Now isn't that a great reason to get out of bed?

And all of this is in service of me. Loving me is the first step to making the world a better place. I think my friend who suggested I only give my 'extra' away had it right. If I give away what I don't need, I can spread my happiness... it's only when I give away what I do need that I become dependent on others.

I am so lucky to have to love and guidance of others to help me find myself, and blessed to have the intelligence and big heart to recognize how lucky I am!

Step Up or Step Down

I was just giving some thought (and tears) to how disappointed I am to find out that some of the friends I thought were true have recently become, or shown themselves to be, fair-weather. And I was feeling very sorry for myself indeed. But then... my amazing and creative mind took me in a new direction, and I thought of the friends that I really hadn't expected much from but who have stepped up to offer me a little extra in my time of need.

Now I didn't expect much from these people for a number of reasons. Some I have always had a nice feeling for, but had never deepened the friendship particularly. Some I haven't seen in years. Some I don't keep in regular contact with. And some I just thought of as 'lighter' people, more casual... but who clearly have surprising depths, at least surprising to me.

It is too bad that my judgement of some is so off. I've been rudely disappointed to find out that people I loved through-and-through have turned out to be untrustworthy, or unreliable, or just plain selfish. But what I now realize is most interesting are the people that I saw as more peripheral to my life, who have taken this opportunity to make a difference and offer me kindness. I wonder what other wonderful things I will see if I focus on the pleasant surprises instead of the unpleasant ones.

I wonder if I can keep my focus.

Life can suck

I have a great life, don't I? Wasn't there a TV show forever ago with a similar theme? I don't understand why I feel so... blah. (Note: this is not a medical condition, so no need to panic.) I am just feeling blah. I remember myself as an energetic and enthusiastic person, but that person has been on vacation for a few months now. Instead, an unpleasant stranger is living my life. She is quick to anger and tears, sensitive to the slightest hint of criticism, and grumpy at the best of times. (Note: I am not pregnant or PMSing. At least not right now.) I can do anything I want, but there's nothing I particularly want. Is this what relative comfort and opportunity breeds? Sloth? OMG, does that mean Thatcher had it right? Pretty scary thoughts here.

I have a wonderful husband, whom I love fiercely. He threw me into a painful spiral of panic the other day though, because he was feeling hurt. He explained that sometimes he just feels things. He told me I am not responsible for his feelings. Yet, I am still in a tizzy of terror that he is unhappy, and it is because of me. I feel a compulsion to find out what I did or didn't do that caused this shift in his feelings so I can return to my role as guardian of his happiness. He says I'm just scared. And I am.

And while on the one hand I am busy being panicked and terrified, on the other, I am fascinated. I do think a lot of this has roots in my childhood - but what doesn't have roots in childhood? And years of counselling have helped tremendously, I now feel capable of survival on my own (whew!), but I don't think more counselling is going to help now. After all, even though understanding your parents and how they behaved towards you helps you to understand your past, understanding is just one tiny piece of the puzzle. Or so it seems now.

So now what? Now, I am going to try to learn how to like myself. I think I am a great person, but I get really mad when others don't treat me the way I think is 'right'. And I try to fix it. (Warning: bad idea.) I don't want that anymore. I want to be free of the weight of public opinion. Intellectually I believe that public opinion is worthless, but it seems there is work to be done emotionally.

And I look forward to it. In a scared kind of way.