Forgive Me

This is the prayer I am studying to help me love myself. I am already perking up, but to keep the trend going I'm going to try to read this prayer at least once per week. I love how it makes me feel inside and out.

O my God! There is no one but Thee to allay the anguish of my soul, and Thou art my highest aspiration, O my God. My heart is wedded to none save Thee and such as Thou dost love. I solemnly declare that my life and death are both for Thee. Verily Thou art incomparable and hast no partner.

O my Lord! I beg Thee to forgive me for shutting myself out from Thee. By Thy glory and majesty, I have failed to befittingly recognize Thee and to worship Thee, while Thou dost make Thyself known unto me and callest me to remembrance as beseemeth Thy station. Grievous woe would betide me, O my Lord, wert Thou to take hold of me by reason of my misdeeds and trespasses. No helper do I know of other than Thee. No refuge do I have to flee to save Thee. None among Thy creatures can dare to intercede with Thyself without Thy leave. I hold fast to Thy love before Thy court, and, according to Thy bidding, I earnestly pray unto Thee as befitteth Thy glory. I beg Thee to heed my call as Thou hast promised me. Verily Thou art God; no God is there but Thee. Alone and unaided, Thou art independent of all created things. Neither can the devotion of Thy lovers profit Thee, nor the evil doings of the faithless harm Thee. Verily Thou art my God, He Who will never fail in His promise.

O my God! I beseech Thee by the evidences of Thy favor, to let me draw nigh to the sublime heights of Thy holy presence, and protect me from inclining myself toward the subtle allusions of aught else but Thee. Guide my steps, O my God, unto that which is acceptable and pleasing to Thee. Shield me, through Thy might, from the fury of Thy wrath and chastisement, and hold me back from entering habitations not desired by Thee.

The Báb

Having Fun

I've been gradually succumbing to a cold, and today two fun appointments got cancelled because of it. I was going to hang around, possibly do some grocery shopping, chat and share a prayer with a friend during the day, and then in the evening I was planning to go out clubbing - for the first time since I moved to Holland two years ago - with another friend. Sigh.

But just having these fun appointments has helped me remember how much fun I like to have. I don't miss clubbing, but I did enjoy getting dressed up and dancing the night away to great (or even mediocre) music. And I love letting my hair down with my friends! And there is nothing better than sharing day-to-day tasks with a friend!! A cup of tea, talking about recent developments, plans, and going off to the supermarket together.

I've decided I want to find a place to go ice-skating in Holland. They have tons of hockey arenas set aside, and speed-skating rings. But I want to figure skate!! So that might be a challenge, as figure skating isn't popular here. But I will find something and go at least once before March 2011!!

I also have booked myself in for a French language assessment. I knew no Dutch when I first moved here, but now I am considered fluent - I don't feel fluent, but according to how these things are measured I am. I was fluent in French as a teenager. I had participated in the Extended French program which is approximately half-way between the French Immersion and Core French programs in Ontario, where I'm from. So even though I haven't spoken or read much French in almost 2 decades, I suspect it won't take long before I'm fluent, or close to it, in French as well.

Why, you may ask, would I want to be fluent in random languages?? Well, I find languages interesting. When you speak in another language, you have to organize your thoughts within the limits of the grammar of the language. That requires your thoughts to become more flexible. And I have really enjoyed the challenge of learning Dutch, and now enjoy a social and cultural life in Dutch that was shut-out to me before.

I'm not sure what other fun things I want to do yet, but I plan on a lot! If I spend my whole life doing nothing but enjoy myself, I won't be disappointed!

Lovin' Me!

I've decided to study this prayer for a while as my way of reconnecting with God. I think it's perfect because of the words "I beg Thee to forgive me for shutting myself out from Thee." I have been the one to turn away from the love and happiness in life. It was only temporary, but that turning away was born of bad habits built up over time. And my new habit is to turn towards God.

I currently see God as an ever-shining sun, full of love and warmth and joy. My job for now is to just turn to God. In the future I will move towards God, and do my best to reflect that love and joy. But for now, just turning towards love and life and happiness is enough.

I have so much to celebrate. I married the best guy ever, I have wonderful friends and family, and I meet more wonderful people all the time. I am curious and interested in my own life and that of others. I can't wait to find out what fresh discoveries and joys and interests I will uncover. Now isn't that a great reason to get out of bed?

And all of this is in service of me. Loving me is the first step to making the world a better place. I think my friend who suggested I only give my 'extra' away had it right. If I give away what I don't need, I can spread my happiness... it's only when I give away what I do need that I become dependent on others.

I am so lucky to have to love and guidance of others to help me find myself, and blessed to have the intelligence and big heart to recognize how lucky I am!

Losing Faith in Others

Yesterday I came to the conclusion that loving myself is the same as loving God... and faith in God is the same as faith in myself. And I can just keep practicing turning towards God to help me learn to love myself. I'm quite relieved to have figured that out!

What is still niggling me is how much faith in others I've lost. Some of that lost faith is specific to particular individuals, and some is with people in general.

I no longer have faith that others are to be trusted. I am just coming to realize how rare and special it is that I am so open and generous. When I see someone, even a stranger, who seems to be unhappy, I offer to help. I have always wanted to be kind to others whenever I can. And here is where that dreaded idealism kicks in... I never saw it as a choice, I just thought my kindness to others was how people treat each other. I've been shocked by how unkind some people can be, but I have just assumed there was something wrong with them.

I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that my belief that people are nice to each other whenever possible is really an expectation about the world. And that this expectation doesn't actually serve me well at all. I've quit jobs, ended relationships, even moved homes to escape the feelings of hurt and anger experienced from this unfulfilled expectation. Now that I read my words, my behaviour seems extreme, but in context, I saw people as withholding basic human decency in how they behaved towards me. In my perception of the world, that was outright nasty of them... and that nastiness sure seemed personal.

Faith Lost and Found

I am a Bahá'í. That is the youngest independent world religion, and you can find out more about it here. I haven't been practicing my faith lately, and I think that is certainly one reason behind how I've been feeling lately.

I haven't lost faith in God. I believe that there is a God. I see that belief as a choice - I could just as easily not believe in God. But believing in God serves me well.

I see God as unconditional love, as inspiration and encouragement to be myself, as a truth that tells me I am precious and sufficient no matter what. But if you've been reading some of my recent posts, you have seen that that faith in myself has been missing.

One thing I love about being Bahá'í is that I am responsible for my own understanding of my faith. I am expected to use my reason to support my spiritual development. I might have understandings and specific beliefs that differ from other Bahá'ís, but that's okay. I really like that!

I now feel that I need to turn to God to fill up my love bucket. Even though I think of God as external to me, I also think of God as part of me. And allowing myself to be loved by God is the first step to loving me. After all, God's love is unconditional and everpresent - I just have to seek it out. And the same goes for loving myself.