I've been going through yet another period of health challenges. The biggest challenge is really that whatever is happening to my body and health right now is pretty low-level. Upon reflection I've been suffering the same symptoms for at least 1.5 years, but only in the last 4 months have I sought medical support as it wasn't that bad. Several years ago I had a severe flare-up of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes, and pretty much checked out of life for a couple of years. I have gradually resumed normal life, but when I don't feel well, I just assume I've overdone it. And maybe I have. But maybe there is something else going on. And by feeling unwell I mean anything from having almost no energy for weeks at a time, or experiencing pain and discomfort in my body, or feeling stressed out, anxious and angry. I can't pinpoint whether the discomfort in my body is affecting my perceptions, or vice versa. I just feel horrible - emotionally and physically.
Recently I have experienced a few weeks of particularly low energy, dizziness, and a lack of control over my emotions, serious enough to pay a visit to the doctor. He's concerned there may be issues with my digestive system, and gave me some medicine to take for two weeks. Although it appears the medicine worked positively on my digestive tract, it had a side effect that was pretty rough. I got really bloated. As in, 2kg (or 5lb). My clothes didn't fit. That was pretty tough, as I'd recently lost some weight and bought new clothes. I'd gotten rid of the old ones, so I just wore sweatpants and avoided making appointments! Interesting, as one of the digestive tract issues it was supposed to resolve was bloating... but other than that, it seemed to work.
At the same time, my familiar demon Insomnia was haunting me. I wasn't sleeping, and when I was asleep I wasn't sleeping very soundly. I woke up tired, often angry or upset, and the day would go downhill from there. I couldn't make appointments in the morning because I couldn't reliably wake up in time, and even if I was up, sometimes to get from awake to alert would take several hours.
So I was frustrated. I was angry, impatient, had little control over my emotions, felt isolated and incompetent. Which, you guessed it, made me feel angry, impatient... rinse and repeat.
I struggle to see myself clearly. I see all my faults and imperfections, and gloss over my many wonderful qualities. And I struggle to see others clearly too sometimes. So I got angry at everyone. All the people that don't love me back. I saw how hard I work to be a good friend, how much I try to create and maintain relationships, how much I value others and appreciate them... and how nobody appreciates me. Other people like me for what I do for them, and if I don't do for them, I don't hear from them. I felt so alone, and angry about it... but unwilling to reach out because I don't want to accept the role I saw myself being forced into.
But a wonderful thing about how I've grown in my lifetime, and particularly in the last year, is I've become much more balanced, much more willing to experience options and shades of gray, and to see my thoughts and beliefs as choices rather than truths. (Although I can be pretty stubborn too!!)
I prefer a deeper intimacy than a lot of people, so sometimes that need for a deeper connection, for more intense conversation both on a personal and philosphical level, doesn't get met. And of course, when my needs aren't met, I feel lonely. And if I try to get those needs met from friends who just aren't that sort of person, sometimes I take it personally. I think that the friend is choosing not to connect with me in the way I like. But more likely, the friend just can't. Me feeling lonely and not getting what I need has nothing to do with whether the friend is offering me a great friendship. It just means that what they are offering isn't meeting my needs right now.
So I need to get out there, reconnect with friends I know go waaaaaay down deep, see if other friends are available for that kind of connection, and build that a bit more into my life.
Feeling isolated, alone, and angry is not the path for me, but I'm kinda glad I walked it a while, it really helped me to see that I can trust myself to take the action I need to continue to develop as a person, and to help myself love myself and be happy with who I am - even on those days that I feel no one else is!
Showing posts with label Intimacy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Intimacy. Show all posts
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
If You Ever Go to Lisbon...
For my wedding anniversary this year, we went to Lisbon for a wonderful long weekend. Plusses included great sunshine, awesome views, beautiful architecture and landscapes, and a varied urban landscape.
Minuses included the food and the wind.
We got up around our normal time, had a nice breakfast and got everything together and headed out. As our bus turned the corner to pick us up, we realized we'd forgotten a magazine article J's mom had cut out on Things to Do in Lisbon. Sigh. We hopped on the bus and then took the train to Schiphol. At Schiphol it took about 30 minutes to check in. For some reason, with four counters open, it took each counter at least 20 minutes to process the five passengers in front of us. Wow.
Our flight was delightfully on time, and even the meal was pretty okay! Once in Lisbon we checked out purchasing the Lisboa-Card, which is basically a transit pass plus free or discounted entry into museums and other attractions. It would have cost us about €70 for the weekend. Or, for less than €25, we could buy a transit pass and just pay full price for anything we wanted to go into. Unless the weather is truly awful, we usually spend most of our time outside, so we opted for the transit pass.
I absolutely recommend seeing Lisbon on foot and by transit. We went all over the city, we walked through all kinds of neighbourhoods, and I even plucked (and attempted to eat) an orange from a tree in a park. (It was frighteningly sour!)
We did pay for two attractions. The first was the castle Sao Jorge. It was €7 to get in, and was probably a 45 minute walk from our hostel. Straight up! I'll try to find some pics to post as it was just gorgeous. J couldn't get too close to the edge due to his fear of heights, but I got him to take a picture of me where the wall protecting me from plunging to a messy and untimely death comes to just past my knees!!
The second was the Fado Museum, which I was interested in due to my general love of music. Unfortunately, I don't like Fado. :( Fado is folk music, so it's similar in many ways to folk music from around the world. What I didn't like is that it's become very stylized. Fado performers, at one point anyway, were required to perform only approved songs, wearing only approved outfits. Those rules were created to maintain a tradition, but it's too bad, in my view, that the music wasn't allowed to grow and shift and offer a blend of tradition and modern sound to keep the tradition alive. That museum cost €3.
Other than that, there was an amazing shoe store with the most beautiful collection of shoes I've ever seen, at fairly affordable prices. Unfortunately, as with every country in the world, beautiful shoes seem to be made for tiny women. A 6ft tall woman with size 10 (size 41) feet can choose between basic black or basic taupe. Thanks, shoe marketers of the world, for condemning me to fashion-less footwear.
J's favourite things about Lisbon, other than me being there with him, was the view from the castle, and travelling around looking at everything.
My favourite thing was (of course) J. And how surprising the city was. Turning a corner, taking a flight of stairs, a tram, or just looking out the window, was full of new layers and fun discoveries.
We also loved where we stayed! Central location, and cheap cheap cheap!
Minuses included the food and the wind.
We got up around our normal time, had a nice breakfast and got everything together and headed out. As our bus turned the corner to pick us up, we realized we'd forgotten a magazine article J's mom had cut out on Things to Do in Lisbon. Sigh. We hopped on the bus and then took the train to Schiphol. At Schiphol it took about 30 minutes to check in. For some reason, with four counters open, it took each counter at least 20 minutes to process the five passengers in front of us. Wow.
Our flight was delightfully on time, and even the meal was pretty okay! Once in Lisbon we checked out purchasing the Lisboa-Card, which is basically a transit pass plus free or discounted entry into museums and other attractions. It would have cost us about €70 for the weekend. Or, for less than €25, we could buy a transit pass and just pay full price for anything we wanted to go into. Unless the weather is truly awful, we usually spend most of our time outside, so we opted for the transit pass.
I absolutely recommend seeing Lisbon on foot and by transit. We went all over the city, we walked through all kinds of neighbourhoods, and I even plucked (and attempted to eat) an orange from a tree in a park. (It was frighteningly sour!)
We did pay for two attractions. The first was the castle Sao Jorge. It was €7 to get in, and was probably a 45 minute walk from our hostel. Straight up! I'll try to find some pics to post as it was just gorgeous. J couldn't get too close to the edge due to his fear of heights, but I got him to take a picture of me where the wall protecting me from plunging to a messy and untimely death comes to just past my knees!!
The second was the Fado Museum, which I was interested in due to my general love of music. Unfortunately, I don't like Fado. :( Fado is folk music, so it's similar in many ways to folk music from around the world. What I didn't like is that it's become very stylized. Fado performers, at one point anyway, were required to perform only approved songs, wearing only approved outfits. Those rules were created to maintain a tradition, but it's too bad, in my view, that the music wasn't allowed to grow and shift and offer a blend of tradition and modern sound to keep the tradition alive. That museum cost €3.
Other than that, there was an amazing shoe store with the most beautiful collection of shoes I've ever seen, at fairly affordable prices. Unfortunately, as with every country in the world, beautiful shoes seem to be made for tiny women. A 6ft tall woman with size 10 (size 41) feet can choose between basic black or basic taupe. Thanks, shoe marketers of the world, for condemning me to fashion-less footwear.
J's favourite things about Lisbon, other than me being there with him, was the view from the castle, and travelling around looking at everything.
My favourite thing was (of course) J. And how surprising the city was. Turning a corner, taking a flight of stairs, a tram, or just looking out the window, was full of new layers and fun discoveries.
We also loved where we stayed! Central location, and cheap cheap cheap!
I Married the Best Guy Ever
I've been married two years now. I am still surprised to this day at what a great choice I made when I chose him.
He thinks I'm wonderful and interesting. I can do no wrong. Well, I can annoy him, and he doesn't like how I behave sometimes, but he still thinks I get up in the morning and hang out the sun.
He is interested when I'm sobbing and snotting about something, when I'm angry, when I'm happy, and when he hasn't seen me for a few hours. He wants to help me be happy, and will gladly make an effort to make my life easier. He appreciates all the things I do to make his life easier and more joyful.
What I love most about our relationship is that I know all of those qualities he shows are his choice. He chooses to be interested in me, he chooses to make the effort for us to work, he chooses to appreciate me.
And he's sexy as all get out!
I sometimes take him, and us, for granted. And when I catch myself doing that, I make the effort again to take an interest, to make the effort, to appreciate him. And he knows that I choose him, every day. At least, he better!!
He thinks I'm wonderful and interesting. I can do no wrong. Well, I can annoy him, and he doesn't like how I behave sometimes, but he still thinks I get up in the morning and hang out the sun.
He is interested when I'm sobbing and snotting about something, when I'm angry, when I'm happy, and when he hasn't seen me for a few hours. He wants to help me be happy, and will gladly make an effort to make my life easier. He appreciates all the things I do to make his life easier and more joyful.
What I love most about our relationship is that I know all of those qualities he shows are his choice. He chooses to be interested in me, he chooses to make the effort for us to work, he chooses to appreciate me.
And he's sexy as all get out!
I sometimes take him, and us, for granted. And when I catch myself doing that, I make the effort again to take an interest, to make the effort, to appreciate him. And he knows that I choose him, every day. At least, he better!!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
More of 2010 Draws to a Close
So we went to dinner at the Landhaus Waldschlosschen. It was very kind of the hotel receptionist to call around for a restaurant for us to have our New Year's Eve dinner, especially considering it was just past 8pm already.
And I love going out to eat with J... if the place is awesome he really enjoys it, and the place is not quite awesome, he enjoys that too.
This place was less than. Oh my, but it was interesting!
There were several challenges I faced. First of all, I am fluent in two languages, and passable in another. None of those are German. So even asking for a table for two was, well, iffy. Fortunately, the waitress spoke enough English to figure out that we were the couple sent over from the hotel. And, to tell us the rules.
Yes, rules.
It was a New Year's Eve buffet dinner. We could eat as much as we wanted until 9pm. Drinks were extra, even juices and teas. Here's the challenge: it was already 8:25.
I am a very slow eater at the best of times. And, I find buffets very stressful because I always want to eat 2-3 times my bodyweight in order to get my money's worth. How could I possibly do that in 35 minutes!!!
And of course, the rush and the buffet dinner made the long, lingering dinner that J and I so enjoy impossible. But there were compensations.
In general, the food was pretty good - which, I must admit, I don't really expect from buffets. The schnitzel was very disappointing, and a couple of the desserts were far too boozy-tasting for me to eat, but there were quite a few very nice dishes.
I showed admirable restraint and put only one or two bites of about 5 different things on my plate on each go-around. So I was full after two plates, which gave me just enough time to load up my dessert plate before they started dismantling the buffet.
Then we ordered a coffee (well, tea for J the coffee-hater), and leisurely ate our dessert. Ahem. I ate leisurely. J eats so quickly this meal-time-crunch was a non-issue for him. I usually eat about half as much as he does, starting before him and ending after him.
While enjoying the non-rushed part of the meal, we took the time to look around. The decor was early-demented-Grandma. By that I mean, there was a carving of a witch hanging from one of the rafters, and a disembodied Santa-head on the wall. There was an assortment of unexpected Christmas decorations, such as small Christmas rocking horses, stockings hanging below pictures on the wall, and lopsided mini-trees bedecking every table. We also noted a couple of ceramic pigs placed about the room. Interesting.
For some reason our credit card didn't work there, even though we'd just used it to pay for the hotel. Luckily, we could pay by PIN, which was news to us. We'd always been able to use our PIN to withdraw cash from an ATM, but not to pay in a store outside of Holland before.
Anyway, we were the last guests to leave, and drove safely back to our hotel, trying to avoid looking directly at the silent-meditation people on our way back to our room. The usual Dutch tradition is to set off fireworks at midnight, although of course the 10 days before someone somewhere is setting them off. J and I watched some Dutch New Year's Eve programs and set off some private fireworks of our own instead. Wink wink!
What a great end to a great year!
And I love going out to eat with J... if the place is awesome he really enjoys it, and the place is not quite awesome, he enjoys that too.
This place was less than. Oh my, but it was interesting!
There were several challenges I faced. First of all, I am fluent in two languages, and passable in another. None of those are German. So even asking for a table for two was, well, iffy. Fortunately, the waitress spoke enough English to figure out that we were the couple sent over from the hotel. And, to tell us the rules.
Yes, rules.
It was a New Year's Eve buffet dinner. We could eat as much as we wanted until 9pm. Drinks were extra, even juices and teas. Here's the challenge: it was already 8:25.
I am a very slow eater at the best of times. And, I find buffets very stressful because I always want to eat 2-3 times my bodyweight in order to get my money's worth. How could I possibly do that in 35 minutes!!!
And of course, the rush and the buffet dinner made the long, lingering dinner that J and I so enjoy impossible. But there were compensations.
In general, the food was pretty good - which, I must admit, I don't really expect from buffets. The schnitzel was very disappointing, and a couple of the desserts were far too boozy-tasting for me to eat, but there were quite a few very nice dishes.
I showed admirable restraint and put only one or two bites of about 5 different things on my plate on each go-around. So I was full after two plates, which gave me just enough time to load up my dessert plate before they started dismantling the buffet.
Then we ordered a coffee (well, tea for J the coffee-hater), and leisurely ate our dessert. Ahem. I ate leisurely. J eats so quickly this meal-time-crunch was a non-issue for him. I usually eat about half as much as he does, starting before him and ending after him.
While enjoying the non-rushed part of the meal, we took the time to look around. The decor was early-demented-Grandma. By that I mean, there was a carving of a witch hanging from one of the rafters, and a disembodied Santa-head on the wall. There was an assortment of unexpected Christmas decorations, such as small Christmas rocking horses, stockings hanging below pictures on the wall, and lopsided mini-trees bedecking every table. We also noted a couple of ceramic pigs placed about the room. Interesting.
For some reason our credit card didn't work there, even though we'd just used it to pay for the hotel. Luckily, we could pay by PIN, which was news to us. We'd always been able to use our PIN to withdraw cash from an ATM, but not to pay in a store outside of Holland before.
Anyway, we were the last guests to leave, and drove safely back to our hotel, trying to avoid looking directly at the silent-meditation people on our way back to our room. The usual Dutch tradition is to set off fireworks at midnight, although of course the 10 days before someone somewhere is setting them off. J and I watched some Dutch New Year's Eve programs and set off some private fireworks of our own instead. Wink wink!
What a great end to a great year!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Public Privacy
A friend mentioned today that they thought I share an awful lot on Facebook. This blog automatically posts there (which I hadn't entirely realized - technology seems to be gaining on me in recent years). And I am pretty open on my own anyways, without all the detail provided by blogging.
So I have given it some thought. I think Facebook is to keep social connections open, and I love it for that. I love having an idea of what my friends and family are up to, and seeing pictures of their lives. But now that I think about it, posting this blog on Facebook is a bit much.
I didn't see a conflict originally, because I only have friends and family on Facebook. But even so, I don't need to force-feed details of my convoluted inner-workings to anyone. Besides, all my FB friends know me well enough to already be sure that if it's important at the time, whatever it is that's on my mind will come up in conversation anyway. I am not one to keep much to myself... although I am working on that too!
And I think one thing that I struggle to make clearly distinct is that most of the stuff I talk about is more symbolic than actual. Yes, the situations are real, but what interests me is what they mean. For example, I got hurt, and I think it's because someone said or did something that hurt me. But that is just the beginning... what's really interesting is why!! Down every path a why might lead, I wish to walk at least a little ways.
But I won't be doing that on Facebook anymore.
So I have given it some thought. I think Facebook is to keep social connections open, and I love it for that. I love having an idea of what my friends and family are up to, and seeing pictures of their lives. But now that I think about it, posting this blog on Facebook is a bit much.
I didn't see a conflict originally, because I only have friends and family on Facebook. But even so, I don't need to force-feed details of my convoluted inner-workings to anyone. Besides, all my FB friends know me well enough to already be sure that if it's important at the time, whatever it is that's on my mind will come up in conversation anyway. I am not one to keep much to myself... although I am working on that too!
And I think one thing that I struggle to make clearly distinct is that most of the stuff I talk about is more symbolic than actual. Yes, the situations are real, but what interests me is what they mean. For example, I got hurt, and I think it's because someone said or did something that hurt me. But that is just the beginning... what's really interesting is why!! Down every path a why might lead, I wish to walk at least a little ways.
But I won't be doing that on Facebook anymore.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Friends on the B-list
Going from my most recent post, in which I have given S. a place in my past and my heart, and moved on, I am now ready to make a place for a current friendship-in-jeopardy.
This particular woman is generally quite nice and friendly and fun, but lately has been going through a lot of exciting, mostly positive, but still overwhelming, changes. She has not chosen to confide in me much, which I notice and mind only a bit, as of course I am curious about her, her life, what's she's up to... but I understand that she's distracted with her own life, and we can always catch up later.
As I was quite distracted (and distraught) with my own stuff, I failed to realize how unavailable she was - and possibly always is/has been, I am not yet sure about that - and asked her to be there to talk with me about what's been going on for me. She said no.
She explained that she's busy with her own life. She told me that she only wants to keep things light and fun, and doesn't want to talk about anything deep. She said that she is my friend, not my therapist. She said I should talk to my other friends instead. She also said that since we've been friends for so long, that we'll always be friends, but that she doesn't know when she'll be ready to be a 'real' friend again. She told me that she's had the experience of it being years before a friend is available again.
Now, all of that is a bit unpleasant when you are expecting a welcoming hug and an ear to bend. What I think crossed the line from setting a limit for her to actually being unkind to me was the part about the therapist. That, to me at least, sounded as though she thinks I have mental health issues. I was feeling blue and wanted to talk about what was on my mind with a friend - the leap from there to mental health problems seems quite a leap indeed. So, she may believe I am mentally unhinged, or - more likely - wants me to know, in no uncertain terms, that she doesn't want to play a part in my life right now.
And that's ok. I don't know if this is who she is, or just who she is right now, but I do have my own life and my own friends (and, if needed, my own therapist lol!). And although I loved being close friends with her in the past, I have learned that she is not gentle with me when I am going through tough times. And that is too bad, but good to know.
This particular woman is generally quite nice and friendly and fun, but lately has been going through a lot of exciting, mostly positive, but still overwhelming, changes. She has not chosen to confide in me much, which I notice and mind only a bit, as of course I am curious about her, her life, what's she's up to... but I understand that she's distracted with her own life, and we can always catch up later.
As I was quite distracted (and distraught) with my own stuff, I failed to realize how unavailable she was - and possibly always is/has been, I am not yet sure about that - and asked her to be there to talk with me about what's been going on for me. She said no.
She explained that she's busy with her own life. She told me that she only wants to keep things light and fun, and doesn't want to talk about anything deep. She said that she is my friend, not my therapist. She said I should talk to my other friends instead. She also said that since we've been friends for so long, that we'll always be friends, but that she doesn't know when she'll be ready to be a 'real' friend again. She told me that she's had the experience of it being years before a friend is available again.
Now, all of that is a bit unpleasant when you are expecting a welcoming hug and an ear to bend. What I think crossed the line from setting a limit for her to actually being unkind to me was the part about the therapist. That, to me at least, sounded as though she thinks I have mental health issues. I was feeling blue and wanted to talk about what was on my mind with a friend - the leap from there to mental health problems seems quite a leap indeed. So, she may believe I am mentally unhinged, or - more likely - wants me to know, in no uncertain terms, that she doesn't want to play a part in my life right now.
And that's ok. I don't know if this is who she is, or just who she is right now, but I do have my own life and my own friends (and, if needed, my own therapist lol!). And although I loved being close friends with her in the past, I have learned that she is not gentle with me when I am going through tough times. And that is too bad, but good to know.
Love and Friendship
I just came back from an overnight stay with my husband's cousin. He is a terrific guy that I just instantly connected with when we met, and feel lucky that visiting him is like going on a vacation! He lives in a small village in northern Holland, which has a more pastoral feel than in the Randstad where I live. He understands my nuttiness right away, and I understand his. We talk about all of this stuff just right - interesting psychological/intellectual challenges with emotional consequences. I wish I knew of more people who are so curious and interested in the experience of life!!! I will make an effort to uncover more of these kinds of people and add them more often to my social calendar.
Visiting him really reminded me of what's been going wrong with my other friendships lately. I realize that one woman, S. (the names have been changed to protect the innocent!), behaved the same as always. She has always been someone who will take and take and take. And why not? If I offer to help her out, why wouldn't she take it? And in the course of the many years we were friends, I helped her a lot. I think the problem between us occurred when one day I asked her for help, and she just isn't the kind of person who can give. She tried, I'm sure she tried her best, but she very quickly resented that I asked her to make an effort when usually I have been the one to make her life easier. Although it's too bad that our friendship was so one-sided, and had been all along, what's really interesting is that I almost made it that way myself!
I could have seen that S. was not giving to me, but I chose to look the other way. And in a way, the only reason our friendship existed - and certainly the only reason it continued as long as it did - was because I was giving to her, and she was taking. If either one of us had changed our tunes a moment sooner, the friendship would have ended. So the end was predictable. The only one surprised was me, because I had chosen not to see her clearly, I had insisted on looking through my rose-tinted glasses. And as nice as that world is, there's nothing wrong with looking at reality.
Visiting him really reminded me of what's been going wrong with my other friendships lately. I realize that one woman, S. (the names have been changed to protect the innocent!), behaved the same as always. She has always been someone who will take and take and take. And why not? If I offer to help her out, why wouldn't she take it? And in the course of the many years we were friends, I helped her a lot. I think the problem between us occurred when one day I asked her for help, and she just isn't the kind of person who can give. She tried, I'm sure she tried her best, but she very quickly resented that I asked her to make an effort when usually I have been the one to make her life easier. Although it's too bad that our friendship was so one-sided, and had been all along, what's really interesting is that I almost made it that way myself!
I could have seen that S. was not giving to me, but I chose to look the other way. And in a way, the only reason our friendship existed - and certainly the only reason it continued as long as it did - was because I was giving to her, and she was taking. If either one of us had changed our tunes a moment sooner, the friendship would have ended. So the end was predictable. The only one surprised was me, because I had chosen not to see her clearly, I had insisted on looking through my rose-tinted glasses. And as nice as that world is, there's nothing wrong with looking at reality.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Woe and Joy
Gak! All my posts are so 'woe is me'!! Which is why I started this blog, I suppose, to talk about me, and right now, woe is indeed me! I am looking forward to life without woe.
During that really nice visit with that Step-Up friend last night, he told me a few things that he observed that are certainly worth my attention. In his opinion:
During that really nice visit with that Step-Up friend last night, he told me a few things that he observed that are certainly worth my attention. In his opinion:
- I think in absolutes a lot, but in practicality, very little is absolute. The person who has been treating me in a way I don't like lately is behaving that way lately. Not permanently. So whatever message is being sent is not a message about how things are, stop.... but a message about how things are right now.
- That one way to limit feeling hurt by someone's behaviour is to just never ever give more than you are willing to give if you already knew that you would not ever get anything in return. So be as generous and as kind and as thoughtful as I want to be, with the knowledge that I won't get anything back. If I do, isn't that nice. And if not, that's fine too.
- That my idealism is indeed causing a problem for me. If I was a generous and kind friend without the expectation that my friends be kind and generous in return, there would be no problem. It is the expectation that people should be kind and generous to each other, and that since I have been kind and generous to you and you accepted my kindness, you should be kind and generous in return. I would never be so dishonourable as to accept someone's kindness if I don't plan to be generous in return, but the expectation that others be honorable is unreasonable. Damn you idealism!
- That my sense of self-worth is tied up in my perception of how others perceive me. So I am angry or hurt when I think others think I am less than awesome. (Also a bit shocked, but that's another story!) I was hoping he might have some ideas of how you go from having your self-esteem dependent on someone else's rating to relying on your own rating, but he really didn't. Oh well. It was just nice that I could feel he understood what I was talking about.
Recharging
Well today I am a bit pooped from all the hectic activity in my social calendar as well as all the drama in my head. I am still feeling better, but I think I will take some time to recharge.
Today one of those surprise Step-Up friends is coming over to talk with me. It'll be fun as well as a nice way for me to connect a bit, and maybe get some ideas or insight or something! Tomorrow another surprise Step-Up friend is coming for lunch, and I expect the same - although, of course, completely different.
I am still thinking about two friends in particular from whom I expected more. And how disappointed I was to discover them to be fair-weather friends. One of them was so terribly unkind that I have discontinued the relationship completely, but the other is in a relationship with yet another friend and so I can't really sever ties. And if I stop caring about wanting more from her, she will likely be just as pleasant and interesting as ever. But as I look through my friendship history, I realize I have never had a friend that was superficial. If they were superficial people, the contact was short-lived. If we couldn't find a common ground that I was more comfortable with, the contact was short-lived.
There are indeed people that were closer and have now drifted away with whom I still have contact - some family members, for example - but I just don't make an effort and I don't miss them. I suppose that is what I have to look forward to with this particular woman. I'm not sure what to make of that.
Today one of those surprise Step-Up friends is coming over to talk with me. It'll be fun as well as a nice way for me to connect a bit, and maybe get some ideas or insight or something! Tomorrow another surprise Step-Up friend is coming for lunch, and I expect the same - although, of course, completely different.
I am still thinking about two friends in particular from whom I expected more. And how disappointed I was to discover them to be fair-weather friends. One of them was so terribly unkind that I have discontinued the relationship completely, but the other is in a relationship with yet another friend and so I can't really sever ties. And if I stop caring about wanting more from her, she will likely be just as pleasant and interesting as ever. But as I look through my friendship history, I realize I have never had a friend that was superficial. If they were superficial people, the contact was short-lived. If we couldn't find a common ground that I was more comfortable with, the contact was short-lived.
There are indeed people that were closer and have now drifted away with whom I still have contact - some family members, for example - but I just don't make an effort and I don't miss them. I suppose that is what I have to look forward to with this particular woman. I'm not sure what to make of that.
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