Health & Happiness

I've been going through yet another period of health challenges. The biggest challenge is really that whatever is happening to my body and health right now is pretty low-level. Upon reflection I've been suffering the same symptoms for at least 1.5 years, but only in the last 4 months have I sought medical support as it wasn't that bad. Several years ago I had a severe flare-up of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes, and pretty much checked out of life for a couple of years. I have gradually resumed normal life, but when I don't feel well, I just assume I've overdone it. And maybe I have. But maybe there is something else going on. And by feeling unwell I mean anything from having almost no energy for weeks at a time, or experiencing pain and discomfort in my body, or feeling stressed out, anxious and angry. I can't pinpoint whether the discomfort in my body is affecting my perceptions, or vice versa. I just feel horrible - emotionally and physically.

Recently I have experienced a few weeks of particularly low energy, dizziness, and a lack of control over my emotions, serious enough to pay a visit to the doctor. He's concerned there may be issues with my digestive system, and gave me some medicine to take for two weeks. Although it appears the medicine worked positively on my digestive tract, it had a side effect that was pretty rough. I got really bloated. As in, 2kg (or 5lb). My clothes didn't fit. That was pretty tough, as I'd recently lost some weight and bought new clothes. I'd gotten rid of the old ones, so I just wore sweatpants and avoided making appointments! Interesting, as one of the digestive tract issues it was supposed to resolve was bloating... but other than that, it seemed to work.

At the same time, my familiar demon Insomnia was haunting me. I wasn't sleeping, and when I was asleep I wasn't sleeping very soundly. I woke up tired, often angry or upset, and the day would go downhill from there. I couldn't make appointments in the morning because I couldn't reliably wake up in time, and even if I was up, sometimes to get from awake to alert would take several hours.

So I was frustrated. I was angry, impatient, had little control over my emotions, felt isolated and incompetent. Which, you guessed it, made me feel angry, impatient... rinse and repeat.

I struggle to see myself clearly. I see all my faults and imperfections, and gloss over my many wonderful qualities. And I struggle to see others clearly too sometimes. So I got angry at everyone. All the people that don't love me back. I saw how hard I work to be a good friend, how much I try to create and maintain relationships, how much I value others and appreciate them... and how nobody appreciates me. Other people like me for what I do for them, and if I don't do for them, I don't hear from them. I felt so alone, and angry about it... but unwilling to reach out because I don't want to accept the role I saw myself being forced into.

But a wonderful thing about how I've grown in my lifetime, and particularly in the last year, is I've become much more balanced, much more willing to experience options and shades of gray, and to see my thoughts and beliefs as choices rather than truths. (Although I can be pretty stubborn too!!)

I prefer a deeper intimacy than a lot of people, so sometimes that need for a deeper connection, for more intense conversation both on a personal and philosphical level, doesn't get met. And of course, when my needs aren't met, I feel lonely. And if I try to get those needs met from friends who just aren't that sort of person, sometimes I take it personally. I think that the friend is choosing not to connect with me in the way I like. But more likely, the friend just can't. Me feeling lonely and not getting what I need has nothing to do with whether the friend is offering me a great friendship. It just means that what they are offering isn't meeting my needs right now.

So I need to get out there, reconnect with friends I know go waaaaaay down deep, see if other friends are available for that kind of connection, and build that a bit more into my life.

Feeling isolated, alone, and angry is not the path for me, but I'm kinda glad I walked it a while, it really helped me to see that I can trust myself to take the action I need to continue to develop as a person, and to help myself love myself and be happy with who I am - even on those days that I feel no one else is!

Avoid Self-imposed Guilt

As I've mentioned before, I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes. I am one of very few people for whom most of my symptoms are usually in almost total remission. That means that in less than a decade I have crashed from the high being a very high-functioning person to a seriously scary low of barely-functioning, and bounced back to a fairly high-functioning person.

But it's not over. I have to be on guard. I have to work very hard to focus on the path I'm on rather than the destination. This part is my personality, which I share with most fibro/CF sufferers - I like to achieve, and I get frustrated when I can't meet my goals. So I have to really work hard to forgive myself for 'failing' to meet all my goals.

A new tool I'm using to help me with that is an android app called 'Goal Coach'. Using this app for goal-setting was the first time I came across the idea of a goal percentage. In the past I would write down my goals, and then fail. I understood why I failed - I had too many things I expected myself to accomplish in the given time, or the standard to which I expected myself to accomplish those goals wasn't reasonable, or some of those goals were to please others so I didn't even want to acheive them. But understanding didn't help, I still failed.

The new idea the app gives is to set a goal percentage. It isn't succeed or fail, it's setting a standard for good enough. Freedom! I have about 8 goals I want to work on every day. My goal percentage is 50%. After a month, if I meet my goal percentage, I get a reward.

The reward is also a bit of a new idea for me. Sure, I've heard of other people doing nice things just for themselves, but that never applied to me. I saw only what I didn't do, or didn't do well enough, or someone else's need that I felt obliged to fulfil. So I only saw my failures, never my sucesses - partly because I didn't understand how to apply a standard other than All-or-Nothing to myself. I knew All-or-Nothing wasn't right - both objectively as a determiner of truth or reality, or subjectively as a way of life. But I couldn't conceive of an alternative way of looking at, well... anything.

This all ties back to the fibro/CF because I have had a rough week. The last 5 days I had so little energy it was all I could do to work on my 50% goals. But, I could still do that. Imagine, a life where even on my worst day I am clear about my priorities and reasonable about my expectations for myself!

I never thought this was possible. It's still hard because I feel inside all the pressure and guilt as always, but the external reality, the life I'm living... that's changing.

What Not to Wear

When Sabrina was visiting last month, she got me hooked on TLC's What Not to Wear. I ferreted out as many online episodes as I could find, and watched until I could watch no more!

Several years ago, I was overstressed, overworked, and got into a car accident. I didn't seem to get better after the accident, in fact, I kept getting worse. I was eventually diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue sydrome. I was home for more than 2 years, unable to work. I have almost no memories at all of the first three months of my sick leave, which for me is quite strange since I have almost a play-by-play memory of most of my life! After that, I remember so much pain, and so much frustration. I remember not being able to wear most of my clothes because they were so difficult to put on. I remember not being able to prepare my own meals, or even go grocery shopping for a while. I lived within a 3 minute walk of about 10 restaurants, so I ate delivery or take-out. I became proud of myself for being able to walk 10 minutes to the library, and 10 minutes back, without needing a long nap to recover. A big change from my fit and busy lifestyle. With big consequences.

I gained a lot of body fat, and lost a lot of lean muscle mass. I had no place to go, so I didn't dress up. Getting dressed was a big effort anyways. I didn't stay in jammies all day, but my clothes were shapeless and baggy because anything tight hurt to wear. I couldn't stand up straight for most of this time, so my clothes didn't look that great anyways - bad posture never looks good!

I gained almost 25lbs during this time. From that point I have now lost 40lbs. Although I weigh less than I did before this started, my body fat percentage is higher. I'm also almost a decade older (sigh) and my body is not the same as it was! The clothes I had from before the car accident are out of style, most of them I left behind in Canada when I moved to Holland anyway. The clothes I bought here 2 years ago don't fit anymore either due to losing weight. I avoided shopping because I didn't think anything looked nice on me. Then I avoided shopping because I didn't know what was practical and fashionable. I have no real excuse because my MIL & SIL shop as a hobby. I can just let them know what I am looking for, they scour the stores for the right styles and sizes, and then bring me along on a shopping spree! But it's me lacking confidence in looking good that was the real problem.

Since my submersion (submission?) in WNTW, I've purchased a little jacket that can be used as an extra layer in case the weather gets a bit chilly all of a sudden, or inside if cool or just to be fashionable. It is AWESOME! It's got great frills along a deep-V neckline and a ruffle at the butt!! NO JOKE! In the second pic below, I look a little psycho. It happens sometimes when your husband is your photographer.

I also got a new spring jacket. Check THIS out!! As you can see, this coat is amazing! It can be worn with the shawl collar wide open, or closed in a cute little fold-over collar. I don't know if the pics really do it justice, it is amazing and I look ultra-amazing wearing it!!



My MIL and SIL helped me find the outdoor coat and it was so much fun shopping with them. The indoor jacket I found ALL BY MYSELF!

And the best part? I like how I look!

*Just to mystify matters, the jacket in the indoor shot is the outdoor jacket, and the jacket in the outdoor shot is the indoor jacket.

Highs and Lows

Another exciting installment in my never-boring life! Today is the first day of the Baha'i 19 day fast. I have participated for four years now. The two years before that, I was too ill to participate, and before that, I wasn't Baha'i.

Every year there are some days out of the 19 days that I don't fast. That's because once a woman gets her period, she is exempt from fasting. And given a 28 day cycle, most likely one of the 19 days of the fast is affected.

This year, I'd really prepared myself well. I've been feeling extra-tired the past two weeks, and have gradually been taking it a bit easier. I got J to help me plan out my activities so that I'm not overwhelmed. And I hired a professional to help with my nutrition and my workouts in general, as I was frustrated with not as much progress as I expected in the gym.

But, halfway through the first day of the fast, I got my period. Thanks. A week late, and I hadn't brought any food with me. Sigh. Part of me is a bit relieved - and believe me, I feel guilty about that! I've just been running on empty for so long, I am afraid to even try things that might be difficult. Which is silly, because when it comes right down to it, fasting isn't that difficult. It's just a new habit for a short time.

So, the adjustments I'll make are to:

1. just start the fast when my period ends.
2. stick with my cardio training program 3x week.
3. add in weights when I feel my energy improving.
4. follow the general guidelines my trainer gave me for nutrition, but have an extra meal or two during the daylight hours until I start the fast.

And I'll keep working on doing enough - not everything, not all, not perfect. Just ENOUGH.

Self-Doubt Attacks!

I am surprised to find myself lacking in confidence and conviction. It is very uncomfortable!

I am now a personal trainer. I have been interested and active and informed about fitness and fitness-related areas in a more-than-average fashion for many years (with a 2-year hiatus due to a car accident and a nasty fibro flareup). I am very fit and very strong.

Yet I can't seem to meet my own fitness goals.

Well... that's not entirely true. I set a goal of running a 10K race, and met that after 3 months of training. I discovered along the way that I don't enjoy running much. But, if I ever needed to run at a fairly slow pace for an hour or longer - say, escaping a vicious, geriatric killer, or a zombie, I could. Both categories of potential attackers are notoriously slow. As am I.

I also set a goal of returning to my pre-accident/illness flexibility, strength, and weight. I've done that. Which is quite a huge accomplishment, and one I tend to dismiss because it took a little bit of work... every single day. A bit like brushing my teeth. I do it every day, and while I enjoy compliments on my great teeth and smile, I don't feel particularly proud to still have teeth. But back in the day, when people didn't know about teeth-brushing, lots of them had no teeth left by my ripe old age of 37. So, while my amazing progress is wonderful, it's also no surprise.

So what am I feeling so discouraged and self-doubting about? Well, it seems I still have a high percentage of body-fat. This doesn't make sense to me scientifically, as I:

1. am reasonably careful about my diet (far more than most people, but I don't completely exclude treats or meals out).
2. have lifted weights consistently over the past two years with the purpose of increasing muscle fibres and muscle density. This is not only to give my body a shape I like, but muscle needs more calories to sustain even just sitting around, so more muscle = more calories burned just doing nothing.
3. am an active person, participating in aerobics classes, cycling all over town to run errands, and other kinds of aerobic training.

I just don't get it. And I think I should, given my knowledge and experience. So... bring on the self-doubt.

Actually, bring on consulting someone I trust to know better. I don't have to have all the answers, I just have to care enough to find someone who has the answers I need. For now.

Microcosm of My Life

This week was really exciting, but also a bit overwhelming. I've set aside the first half of 2o11 to focus on myself... really focus on myself. It feels quite weird, from time to time, but my goal is get to know myself and to give myself a good foundation for the rest of my life.

For my inner happiness I am exploring interests such as personal training, learning French, and socializing more. I'm also working with a life coach, which I've written about here and here, to learn how to love myself unconditionally.

For my physical happiness I am working with a physiotherapist to get limiting pain under management so I can freely pursue my fitness goals. I'm seeing a massage therapist regularly to help with pain management, relaxation and recovery. (I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes. I am currently relatively asymptomatic, and I'm working on keeping it that way!) I'm also back lifting weights a couple of times per week, after trying to focus on aerobic activity for a few weeks and finding that it's still not my cup of tea! I've also started working with a Cesar-therapeut.

What the heck is a Cesar-therapeut? That's what I asked when my massage therapist mentioned it. Therapeut means therapist in Dutch, but that didn't really clarify anything for me. So I googled it. Ummmm. Yeah.

Bravely, based much more on my massage therapist's suggestion than on any understanding of what might happen, I made an appointment. I had my first visit last week. I have never heard of any practitioner in Canada doing anything similar, so I just have to describe it. Basically, a Cesar-therapeut works with people to improve how they move. They work with all age groups in lots of different ways.

After getting me to strip to my undergarments and submit myself to her steely gaze from all angles, my therapeut looked up from her clipboard and said, "Well, you stick your butt out, so then your belly sticks out to compensate, and then you hold your upper-back too far back to compensate, and then you have to round your shoulders forward to compensate for that." I'd been wondering why I've lost a lot of body fat but still had a sticky-out belly!!

In about 5 minutes she had me doing a couple of exercises to correct all of that, that I'm supposed to keep doing on my own. I found it very interesting because the point of the therapy is to get my body moving more naturally - rather than still moving the way I did when I was compensating for intense, constant pain during a two-year-long fibro flareup. And for me to do that on my own, rather than ongoing visits. She wants me to not have to come back at all!

Another new thing that happened this week was an invitation from my boss' business partner to set up a marketing planning sesssion for our gym with the key players at work. This came out of a bunch of marketing ideas I described for them, just for kicks, a few months back. They thought I knew what I was talking about and I'm now exploring a third role at my job! Receptionist, personal trainer, marketing dynamo!

I also ran 5 billion errands, counselled my husband who was really in quite a funk for a few days, worked crazy shifts and had a meltdown about feeling so full of enthusiam and ideas and so stuck on what to do next! Also about my work schedule for next month, but that I resolved by telling the colleague who does up the shift schedule what my limitations are going to be from now on. Assertiveness is my middle name. Ha!

So yes, my life is in a state of limbo, and it drives me nuts. I like to KNOW everything. I don't like plans changing, I don't like the unexpected, I don't like the unknown. But, on the other hand, I am absolutely sure that I am on a great path, that I have a great partner, and that no matter what the future holds, I will be happy anyways!