I've been going through yet another period of health challenges. The biggest challenge is really that whatever is happening to my body and health right now is pretty low-level. Upon reflection I've been suffering the same symptoms for at least 1.5 years, but only in the last 4 months have I sought medical support as it wasn't that bad. Several years ago I had a severe flare-up of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes, and pretty much checked out of life for a couple of years. I have gradually resumed normal life, but when I don't feel well, I just assume I've overdone it. And maybe I have. But maybe there is something else going on. And by feeling unwell I mean anything from having almost no energy for weeks at a time, or experiencing pain and discomfort in my body, or feeling stressed out, anxious and angry. I can't pinpoint whether the discomfort in my body is affecting my perceptions, or vice versa. I just feel horrible - emotionally and physically.
Recently I have experienced a few weeks of particularly low energy, dizziness, and a lack of control over my emotions, serious enough to pay a visit to the doctor. He's concerned there may be issues with my digestive system, and gave me some medicine to take for two weeks. Although it appears the medicine worked positively on my digestive tract, it had a side effect that was pretty rough. I got really bloated. As in, 2kg (or 5lb). My clothes didn't fit. That was pretty tough, as I'd recently lost some weight and bought new clothes. I'd gotten rid of the old ones, so I just wore sweatpants and avoided making appointments! Interesting, as one of the digestive tract issues it was supposed to resolve was bloating... but other than that, it seemed to work.
At the same time, my familiar demon Insomnia was haunting me. I wasn't sleeping, and when I was asleep I wasn't sleeping very soundly. I woke up tired, often angry or upset, and the day would go downhill from there. I couldn't make appointments in the morning because I couldn't reliably wake up in time, and even if I was up, sometimes to get from awake to alert would take several hours.
So I was frustrated. I was angry, impatient, had little control over my emotions, felt isolated and incompetent. Which, you guessed it, made me feel angry, impatient... rinse and repeat.
I struggle to see myself clearly. I see all my faults and imperfections, and gloss over my many wonderful qualities. And I struggle to see others clearly too sometimes. So I got angry at everyone. All the people that don't love me back. I saw how hard I work to be a good friend, how much I try to create and maintain relationships, how much I value others and appreciate them... and how nobody appreciates me. Other people like me for what I do for them, and if I don't do for them, I don't hear from them. I felt so alone, and angry about it... but unwilling to reach out because I don't want to accept the role I saw myself being forced into.
But a wonderful thing about how I've grown in my lifetime, and particularly in the last year, is I've become much more balanced, much more willing to experience options and shades of gray, and to see my thoughts and beliefs as choices rather than truths. (Although I can be pretty stubborn too!!)
I prefer a deeper intimacy than a lot of people, so sometimes that need for a deeper connection, for more intense conversation both on a personal and philosphical level, doesn't get met. And of course, when my needs aren't met, I feel lonely. And if I try to get those needs met from friends who just aren't that sort of person, sometimes I take it personally. I think that the friend is choosing not to connect with me in the way I like. But more likely, the friend just can't. Me feeling lonely and not getting what I need has nothing to do with whether the friend is offering me a great friendship. It just means that what they are offering isn't meeting my needs right now.
So I need to get out there, reconnect with friends I know go waaaaaay down deep, see if other friends are available for that kind of connection, and build that a bit more into my life.
Feeling isolated, alone, and angry is not the path for me, but I'm kinda glad I walked it a while, it really helped me to see that I can trust myself to take the action I need to continue to develop as a person, and to help myself love myself and be happy with who I am - even on those days that I feel no one else is!
Showing posts with label Clarity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clarity. Show all posts
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monkey off my Back!
I read that expression recently, and thought, Bingo!
I find this process of looking inside myself, of trying to see who I am, very interesting. I'm very confident with my values, and yet I find it hard to stand up for myself.
That's why I get so angry, sometimes I am even perceived as aggressive, when inside I am feeling pushed around.
I am so idealistic that it has caused me to end friendships. I have no regrets there, of course my life is better without those monkeys on my back. Yet, I am sad. I am hurt, personally, by these sad excuses for humanity. It's not the lying, the cheating, the selfishness in the specific that causes me pain, it's the knowledge that that is the very best that person can offer the world. And shock of course at the affront to my values. (Maybe a bit sanctimonious, but doing the right thing isn't easy... it's just right. Stop being lazy and grow up.)
And what I need to do is work on being ok from walking away from those people. I am so idealistic, I want to help them. But it really is trying to teach an old dog new tricks. Only the old dog died a while ago!
I guess Bing Crosby was right, all the monkeys aren't in the zoo, every day you meet quite a few! But whether the monkey is on my back or talking behind my back, I guess I'm a step ahead.
I find this process of looking inside myself, of trying to see who I am, very interesting. I'm very confident with my values, and yet I find it hard to stand up for myself.
That's why I get so angry, sometimes I am even perceived as aggressive, when inside I am feeling pushed around.
I am so idealistic that it has caused me to end friendships. I have no regrets there, of course my life is better without those monkeys on my back. Yet, I am sad. I am hurt, personally, by these sad excuses for humanity. It's not the lying, the cheating, the selfishness in the specific that causes me pain, it's the knowledge that that is the very best that person can offer the world. And shock of course at the affront to my values. (Maybe a bit sanctimonious, but doing the right thing isn't easy... it's just right. Stop being lazy and grow up.)
And what I need to do is work on being ok from walking away from those people. I am so idealistic, I want to help them. But it really is trying to teach an old dog new tricks. Only the old dog died a while ago!
I guess Bing Crosby was right, all the monkeys aren't in the zoo, every day you meet quite a few! But whether the monkey is on my back or talking behind my back, I guess I'm a step ahead.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Thanks, but no thanks
I really like people to know me, see me, understand me. But not everyone can, nor does everyone want to. Shock!
There are a few people in my life that I don't want to have close at all anymore. For whatever reason, I just don't admire or respect them the way I want to admire and respect the people I keep close. So I'd like to just let go.
But they won't go.
Some of them I'm related to, some of them are friends of family, some of them have just been around for a long time. And all of them I'll most likely see or hear from again. I've actually just come to realize that people rarely disappear, they just go into hiding. Sometimes when they reappear it's a joy, other times I just have to figure out how to negotiate those social occasions without getting involved.
Anyway, so these people that won't go away... I don't want to behave unkindly, even though I have nothing kind to say to them. I have nothing to gain by being honest or open with them, by telling them how I feel, what I want from them or for them. Well, except that they might be so irritated they would go away... but then I'd have to see them again. And be confronted with my lack of gentleness with them.
But I don't want to molly-coddle people I just don't like. I just want to figure out the bare minimum required to reduce contact as much as possible.
So I will say, "thank you" to reply to nice things said and done, but "no thanks" to any suggestion that I want to connect. I'm busy that day.
There are a few people in my life that I don't want to have close at all anymore. For whatever reason, I just don't admire or respect them the way I want to admire and respect the people I keep close. So I'd like to just let go.
But they won't go.
Some of them I'm related to, some of them are friends of family, some of them have just been around for a long time. And all of them I'll most likely see or hear from again. I've actually just come to realize that people rarely disappear, they just go into hiding. Sometimes when they reappear it's a joy, other times I just have to figure out how to negotiate those social occasions without getting involved.
Anyway, so these people that won't go away... I don't want to behave unkindly, even though I have nothing kind to say to them. I have nothing to gain by being honest or open with them, by telling them how I feel, what I want from them or for them. Well, except that they might be so irritated they would go away... but then I'd have to see them again. And be confronted with my lack of gentleness with them.
But I don't want to molly-coddle people I just don't like. I just want to figure out the bare minimum required to reduce contact as much as possible.
So I will say, "thank you" to reply to nice things said and done, but "no thanks" to any suggestion that I want to connect. I'm busy that day.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Avoid Self-imposed Guilt
As I've mentioned before, I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes. I am one of very few people for whom most of my symptoms are usually in almost total remission. That means that in less than a decade I have crashed from the high being a very high-functioning person to a seriously scary low of barely-functioning, and bounced back to a fairly high-functioning person.
But it's not over. I have to be on guard. I have to work very hard to focus on the path I'm on rather than the destination. This part is my personality, which I share with most fibro/CF sufferers - I like to achieve, and I get frustrated when I can't meet my goals. So I have to really work hard to forgive myself for 'failing' to meet all my goals.
A new tool I'm using to help me with that is an android app called 'Goal Coach'. Using this app for goal-setting was the first time I came across the idea of a goal percentage. In the past I would write down my goals, and then fail. I understood why I failed - I had too many things I expected myself to accomplish in the given time, or the standard to which I expected myself to accomplish those goals wasn't reasonable, or some of those goals were to please others so I didn't even want to acheive them. But understanding didn't help, I still failed.
The new idea the app gives is to set a goal percentage. It isn't succeed or fail, it's setting a standard for good enough. Freedom! I have about 8 goals I want to work on every day. My goal percentage is 50%. After a month, if I meet my goal percentage, I get a reward.
The reward is also a bit of a new idea for me. Sure, I've heard of other people doing nice things just for themselves, but that never applied to me. I saw only what I didn't do, or didn't do well enough, or someone else's need that I felt obliged to fulfil. So I only saw my failures, never my sucesses - partly because I didn't understand how to apply a standard other than All-or-Nothing to myself. I knew All-or-Nothing wasn't right - both objectively as a determiner of truth or reality, or subjectively as a way of life. But I couldn't conceive of an alternative way of looking at, well... anything.
This all ties back to the fibro/CF because I have had a rough week. The last 5 days I had so little energy it was all I could do to work on my 50% goals. But, I could still do that. Imagine, a life where even on my worst day I am clear about my priorities and reasonable about my expectations for myself!
I never thought this was possible. It's still hard because I feel inside all the pressure and guilt as always, but the external reality, the life I'm living... that's changing.
But it's not over. I have to be on guard. I have to work very hard to focus on the path I'm on rather than the destination. This part is my personality, which I share with most fibro/CF sufferers - I like to achieve, and I get frustrated when I can't meet my goals. So I have to really work hard to forgive myself for 'failing' to meet all my goals.
A new tool I'm using to help me with that is an android app called 'Goal Coach'. Using this app for goal-setting was the first time I came across the idea of a goal percentage. In the past I would write down my goals, and then fail. I understood why I failed - I had too many things I expected myself to accomplish in the given time, or the standard to which I expected myself to accomplish those goals wasn't reasonable, or some of those goals were to please others so I didn't even want to acheive them. But understanding didn't help, I still failed.
The new idea the app gives is to set a goal percentage. It isn't succeed or fail, it's setting a standard for good enough. Freedom! I have about 8 goals I want to work on every day. My goal percentage is 50%. After a month, if I meet my goal percentage, I get a reward.
The reward is also a bit of a new idea for me. Sure, I've heard of other people doing nice things just for themselves, but that never applied to me. I saw only what I didn't do, or didn't do well enough, or someone else's need that I felt obliged to fulfil. So I only saw my failures, never my sucesses - partly because I didn't understand how to apply a standard other than All-or-Nothing to myself. I knew All-or-Nothing wasn't right - both objectively as a determiner of truth or reality, or subjectively as a way of life. But I couldn't conceive of an alternative way of looking at, well... anything.
This all ties back to the fibro/CF because I have had a rough week. The last 5 days I had so little energy it was all I could do to work on my 50% goals. But, I could still do that. Imagine, a life where even on my worst day I am clear about my priorities and reasonable about my expectations for myself!
I never thought this was possible. It's still hard because I feel inside all the pressure and guilt as always, but the external reality, the life I'm living... that's changing.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Tips and Tricks for Self-Acceptance
Ok, so I haven't posted in a while... because I've been busy!! Another friend from Canada visited for 10 days, my husband is switching jobs, and we've bought a condo!! Plus my health is both up and down... again. So, lots on the go, as usual, but a little less introspective than usual.
I've been noticing that the emotional ups-and-downs have died down a bit, and a lot of that I feel is a result of my new smartphone. It's a life-changer! I downloaded some apps that help me keep track of all kinds of things, from how long and when I go to sleep to what I eat to when and if I meet my daily goals. And I love them! I am *finally* getting some perspective on myself.
Let me lay it out for you: Instead of setting a goal of getting up at 8:00 am, I am recording when I go to sleep and when I wake up. After a week or so, a pattern emerges. In my case, I rarely fall asleep before 1:00 am, and usually wake up at 10:00am. Yet, there is still a yo-yo pattern that has developed, where for a few days the falling asleep time remains the same, but I get up earlier and earlier, until it switches over, I either fall asleep quite late or sleep in quite late, or both... and then I fall asleep later and later and wake up at the same time until the same switch happens and the first pattern repeats.
No idea what it means, yet. But I have stopped making appointments that require me to be up and at 'em before 10:00am!
So I guess the tips and tricks I have for learning to accept yourself are these:
I've been noticing that the emotional ups-and-downs have died down a bit, and a lot of that I feel is a result of my new smartphone. It's a life-changer! I downloaded some apps that help me keep track of all kinds of things, from how long and when I go to sleep to what I eat to when and if I meet my daily goals. And I love them! I am *finally* getting some perspective on myself.
Let me lay it out for you: Instead of setting a goal of getting up at 8:00 am, I am recording when I go to sleep and when I wake up. After a week or so, a pattern emerges. In my case, I rarely fall asleep before 1:00 am, and usually wake up at 10:00am. Yet, there is still a yo-yo pattern that has developed, where for a few days the falling asleep time remains the same, but I get up earlier and earlier, until it switches over, I either fall asleep quite late or sleep in quite late, or both... and then I fall asleep later and later and wake up at the same time until the same switch happens and the first pattern repeats.
No idea what it means, yet. But I have stopped making appointments that require me to be up and at 'em before 10:00am!
So I guess the tips and tricks I have for learning to accept yourself are these:
- Get to know yourself.
- No expectations!
- No judgements!
- Pay attention.
- If there is something you want to change, find the most gentle way to approach that change.
- Don't be afraid of your faults.
- Don't be afraid of your wonderful qualities!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I'm an observer
I follow quite a few blogs. I like to keep track of people I admire, or find interesting, or funny. A recent post by Benny the Irish Polyglot got me thinking. He was writing that in order to fully experience life you have to go out there and live. Just go do stuff and just go talk to people.
I do lots of stuff and talk to lots of people. But I don't feel my life would be more deeply experienced by doing more or interacting more. In fact, the idea of doing more is not appealing at all. I don't think my life would be enriched by being busier or engaging more... I really enjoy the time that I spend not engaging and not doing anything!!
I enjoy watching some TV shows because I like to peer into other people's (made-up) lives. I like to sit around chatting with friends because I like to watch their (real) lives unfold. If I was out hiking or riding camels with my friends, I'd hope for pictures to help me remember what happened. I know myself, and I pay attention to what happens between me and my friends - not to what's going on around me. That's one of the reasons why I get lost going to someplace I've been many times before - I never noticed the route, only the conversation of my travelling companion.
I am an observer! I watch people, I think about things, I share my opinions, values, ideas, thoughts... but I don't have a desire to get out there and be part of it all. I'm part of what I want to be part of, and I enjoy it.
I still try to do things (and take pictures) because I am pleased to have stories to share and experiences that show me who I am. But I don't think anyone can offer me a life I'd rather lead.
I do lots of stuff and talk to lots of people. But I don't feel my life would be more deeply experienced by doing more or interacting more. In fact, the idea of doing more is not appealing at all. I don't think my life would be enriched by being busier or engaging more... I really enjoy the time that I spend not engaging and not doing anything!!
I enjoy watching some TV shows because I like to peer into other people's (made-up) lives. I like to sit around chatting with friends because I like to watch their (real) lives unfold. If I was out hiking or riding camels with my friends, I'd hope for pictures to help me remember what happened. I know myself, and I pay attention to what happens between me and my friends - not to what's going on around me. That's one of the reasons why I get lost going to someplace I've been many times before - I never noticed the route, only the conversation of my travelling companion.
I am an observer! I watch people, I think about things, I share my opinions, values, ideas, thoughts... but I don't have a desire to get out there and be part of it all. I'm part of what I want to be part of, and I enjoy it.
I still try to do things (and take pictures) because I am pleased to have stories to share and experiences that show me who I am. But I don't think anyone can offer me a life I'd rather lead.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Dare to be Loved
I've been having a few weeks of highs and lows! I'm back on medical leave due to stress (this happened several years ago, and two years after that the fibro blew up to the point that I was off work for a long time), my employer decided not to extend my contract - no big, I only wanted to stay if I got to work in the fitness, and I guess there were no opportunities for that for me, but still a bit of a surprise, and my life-coaching is getting more and more intense!
I have been watching the TV show Private Practice, and although I am usually offended by how silly the characters behave around sex and relationships, I find the plots intriguing - and I love most of the women's wardrobes! On a recent episode one character was explaining why she couldn't follow her heart: she had too many responsibilities. Another character responded by telling her that all those responsibilities were just excuses for her to not be loved.
I loved that. It's so true, at least for me! I get so busy achieving, and tell myself that achieving this or that will make me feel good... but of course it is never enough. I don't want to be the most successful, accomplished woman in the universe. I want to be loved! So achieving doesn't help me, it just distracts me.
And of course I am loved by others, no doubt about that. But often I don't feel that love, because I am still learning to love myself.
Time to stop trying to achieve and focus on enjoying myself - and enjoying me.
I have been watching the TV show Private Practice, and although I am usually offended by how silly the characters behave around sex and relationships, I find the plots intriguing - and I love most of the women's wardrobes! On a recent episode one character was explaining why she couldn't follow her heart: she had too many responsibilities. Another character responded by telling her that all those responsibilities were just excuses for her to not be loved.
I loved that. It's so true, at least for me! I get so busy achieving, and tell myself that achieving this or that will make me feel good... but of course it is never enough. I don't want to be the most successful, accomplished woman in the universe. I want to be loved! So achieving doesn't help me, it just distracts me.
And of course I am loved by others, no doubt about that. But often I don't feel that love, because I am still learning to love myself.
Time to stop trying to achieve and focus on enjoying myself - and enjoying me.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
All is Forgiven
What a relief! All the drama that has gradually been ebbing away from those two former friends is finally 99% gone! That 1% can linger as long as it needs to, it doesn't hurt at all.
I somehow just realized that nothing bad happened anyways.
I didn't like how either of them behaved, that's why I chose to no longer be friends. At the time what really caught my attention was how surprised (and hurt) I was that they behaved in hurtful ways. And that was the trigger for me to seek out learning about myself and what I value through my life coaching. So ultimately, I'm grateful for those two floozys* (floozies?) for helping me to see who I am more clearly. In a way, it was just a super-mean version of when Alex visited - I got confronted with an alternative image of myself and chose whether it fit or not.
And the image that now fits me is one of confidence and grace. I forgive those two so ultimately and completely because I see that they were just being themselves. The behaviour I didn't like I'd previously seen time and time again. The last time was just the last time for me, not the last time for them. Of course the kind of person I am is going to have run-ins with people I think behave selfishly, irresponsibly, dishonestly, or unkindly - especially those who backbite!!! And since I'd seen it with these two before, it was just a sign of my growth that I wasn't willing to have it in my life anymore. It was still surprising how hurt I was, but that's what sent me off to learn more, so no regrets!
I think now that I was looking at my friendships through rose-tinted glasses - I saw those qualities I didn't like, but thought it'll never happen to me. And then when it did, I was totally shocked, even though it was predictable. Of course I expected too much, there wasn't much that they had to give. What I find joyful about this experience is feeling excited about letting that rose-tint fade away until I have more clarity about the people around me. And what a delight to know there's nothing wrong with me! I just prefer to be close to people whose values are more compatible.
*As I read this post now, I feel that I've painted a very black-and-white picture. This is not intended as a good-evil polemic but to express my confidence and satisfaction these days and my lack thereof back then.... if that makes sense! And yup, floozy means exactly what I intend to convey!
I somehow just realized that nothing bad happened anyways.
I didn't like how either of them behaved, that's why I chose to no longer be friends. At the time what really caught my attention was how surprised (and hurt) I was that they behaved in hurtful ways. And that was the trigger for me to seek out learning about myself and what I value through my life coaching. So ultimately, I'm grateful for those two floozys* (floozies?) for helping me to see who I am more clearly. In a way, it was just a super-mean version of when Alex visited - I got confronted with an alternative image of myself and chose whether it fit or not.
And the image that now fits me is one of confidence and grace. I forgive those two so ultimately and completely because I see that they were just being themselves. The behaviour I didn't like I'd previously seen time and time again. The last time was just the last time for me, not the last time for them. Of course the kind of person I am is going to have run-ins with people I think behave selfishly, irresponsibly, dishonestly, or unkindly - especially those who backbite!!! And since I'd seen it with these two before, it was just a sign of my growth that I wasn't willing to have it in my life anymore. It was still surprising how hurt I was, but that's what sent me off to learn more, so no regrets!
I think now that I was looking at my friendships through rose-tinted glasses - I saw those qualities I didn't like, but thought it'll never happen to me. And then when it did, I was totally shocked, even though it was predictable. Of course I expected too much, there wasn't much that they had to give. What I find joyful about this experience is feeling excited about letting that rose-tint fade away until I have more clarity about the people around me. And what a delight to know there's nothing wrong with me! I just prefer to be close to people whose values are more compatible.
*As I read this post now, I feel that I've painted a very black-and-white picture. This is not intended as a good-evil polemic but to express my confidence and satisfaction these days and my lack thereof back then.... if that makes sense! And yup, floozy means exactly what I intend to convey!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Doing the Right Thing
I'm really starting to wonder if right is such a good guide to my life.
By right I mean the standard of just, honest, and honourable to which I hold myself. It's very high. And uncomfortable.
I found myself feeling so free the other day when I decided to just not do my French homework. It matters only to me if I do it, and I had a lot on the go and would have had to sacrifice precious downtime to do it. And even though I chose to take the French class, and expected homework, suddenly this responsibility was no fun at all. But that's why I took the class - to have fun. So I didn't do my homework.
And the world kept on turning.
Wow.
I felt a bit guilty, but also relieved. I don't have to be the perfect French student, I can be a mediocre French student. My priority isn't to be the best student, it's to have fun and enjoy learning.
I guess this is learning to set priorities. Doing right doesn't have to have the same status as other priorities all the time.
Perhaps seeing doing right as a character trait is better than seeing it as a priority. As a person, I feel satisfied with myself when I behave in certain ways. And I have found myself struggling to accept that others are satisfied with a life that I see as lesser. I find it very important to do right. I take pride in doing right. It's tough, but I'm strong.
And the more I enjoy my life, and my French class, the more I'm doing right.
And the more I enjoy my life, and my French class, the more I'm doing right.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Alex's Visit - Canadians invade Holland Part Deux
So Monday after the Friday that Sabrina left, Alex came for a visit. I have known Alexandra since we worked at the same location years ago, and just kept in touch ever since. She happened to come just when I went back to work after a 3 week vacation, and I only had one day free while she was here. She was also suffering a bit with the flu, so took an extra day to rest up.
We really didn't have much time together, a couple of nice long chats over a pot of tea and one short dinner while I ate before heading off to work. I really enjoyed her visit because she is so different than I am. She is curious about people like I am, but goes about learning about them in a different way. She tends to talk far less, but of course when she does say something it is usually quite insightful and often aimed at being helpful. She doesn't need much, she's very independent, and I really enjoyed her visit!
She's been travelling around Europe hitchhiking for almost a year, and was able to get dropped off at my door on Monday evening. J had made a nice supper, so we sat down to that almost immediately. After dinner we spent some time catching up, and then called it a night. I had to work the next day, and she wasn't feeling 100%, so all we did was invite Mickey over for dinner and let him take us out for pannenkoek and (drool) ice cream dessert!!! Then she and Mickey talked about different travels and places they'd been and would like to go. We called it a night and the next day I took it easy and Alex went to check out Amsterdam! She came home around dinnertime, but I was already at work. She took Thursday easy again, and I saw her briefly in the morning before I went to French class, and again while I had dinner before work Thursday evening. Then Friday morning J dropped her off at a good location to hitch a ride, and she was on her merry way again!
Now that I write it out I see how quick of a visit it was, especially given the hours I was working (Tuesday 8am-3pm, Wednesday and Thursday 6pm-midnight). And actually, the kind of person she is I find extremely intriguing. J said that she reminded him of himself several years ago - that he also was just interested in meeting new people and seeing how they live. For me, I would want something else besides just getting my curiosity satisfied, I'd also be looking to develop relationships. Actually, I suppose my main goal would be to develop relationships.
And really, I see that Alex's way is the interesting way. She chooses to hitchhike vs taking the bus not to save money (although that is a bonus) but because she meets interesting people that way. Not to say that interesting people don't take the bus, after all you'll find me on a bus from time to time, but just that the people willing to pick up hitchhikers tend to be the kind interested in chatting with random strangers more so that the average bus passenger!
I do tend to play it safe. Nothing wrong with that, I'm more comfortable that way. But every now and then I realize how lucky I am to have made friends with a wide variety of people. I love getting the opportunity to re-examine what I'm comfortable with to see if it still fits! For example, Alex complimented me on being fluent in Dutch after only two years, and my first response was to say, "Meh, after two years I can see that my officially-fluent Dutch is woefully inadequate!" Then a day or so later, I told her, "You know what, you're right! I am fluent in Dutch and have no trouble making a life for myself in Dutch, so thank you for the compliment!!"
I'd taken the opportunity to look at myself again, and see myself as she sees me - and that image fits me better than my old, not-g00d- at-speaking-Dutch image! So I am grateful for her visit for the challenge and the interesting ideas she brought with her!! And plus I really enjoyed her company - it's too bad that I was a bit tired and so busy with work while she was here!!! But... I'll get to see her when I head back to Canada for a visit this summer!!
We really didn't have much time together, a couple of nice long chats over a pot of tea and one short dinner while I ate before heading off to work. I really enjoyed her visit because she is so different than I am. She is curious about people like I am, but goes about learning about them in a different way. She tends to talk far less, but of course when she does say something it is usually quite insightful and often aimed at being helpful. She doesn't need much, she's very independent, and I really enjoyed her visit!
She's been travelling around Europe hitchhiking for almost a year, and was able to get dropped off at my door on Monday evening. J had made a nice supper, so we sat down to that almost immediately. After dinner we spent some time catching up, and then called it a night. I had to work the next day, and she wasn't feeling 100%, so all we did was invite Mickey over for dinner and let him take us out for pannenkoek and (drool) ice cream dessert!!! Then she and Mickey talked about different travels and places they'd been and would like to go. We called it a night and the next day I took it easy and Alex went to check out Amsterdam! She came home around dinnertime, but I was already at work. She took Thursday easy again, and I saw her briefly in the morning before I went to French class, and again while I had dinner before work Thursday evening. Then Friday morning J dropped her off at a good location to hitch a ride, and she was on her merry way again!
Now that I write it out I see how quick of a visit it was, especially given the hours I was working (Tuesday 8am-3pm, Wednesday and Thursday 6pm-midnight). And actually, the kind of person she is I find extremely intriguing. J said that she reminded him of himself several years ago - that he also was just interested in meeting new people and seeing how they live. For me, I would want something else besides just getting my curiosity satisfied, I'd also be looking to develop relationships. Actually, I suppose my main goal would be to develop relationships.
And really, I see that Alex's way is the interesting way. She chooses to hitchhike vs taking the bus not to save money (although that is a bonus) but because she meets interesting people that way. Not to say that interesting people don't take the bus, after all you'll find me on a bus from time to time, but just that the people willing to pick up hitchhikers tend to be the kind interested in chatting with random strangers more so that the average bus passenger!
I do tend to play it safe. Nothing wrong with that, I'm more comfortable that way. But every now and then I realize how lucky I am to have made friends with a wide variety of people. I love getting the opportunity to re-examine what I'm comfortable with to see if it still fits! For example, Alex complimented me on being fluent in Dutch after only two years, and my first response was to say, "Meh, after two years I can see that my officially-fluent Dutch is woefully inadequate!" Then a day or so later, I told her, "You know what, you're right! I am fluent in Dutch and have no trouble making a life for myself in Dutch, so thank you for the compliment!!"
I'd taken the opportunity to look at myself again, and see myself as she sees me - and that image fits me better than my old, not-g00d- at-speaking-Dutch image! So I am grateful for her visit for the challenge and the interesting ideas she brought with her!! And plus I really enjoyed her company - it's too bad that I was a bit tired and so busy with work while she was here!!! But... I'll get to see her when I head back to Canada for a visit this summer!!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Life Coaching Developments
I have been finding the process of life coaching (I am the coachee, not the coacher) very interesting and valuable. I realized I wasn't happy and wanted to make the changes necessary to become happier, but was stuck. In the past I have made a variety of choices, some good, some bad, to help me through a sticky patch. In general, the best choice has been counselling. However, I recognized a limitation for me. Therapy is primarily an intellectual exercise. I am good at intellectual exercises. I can learn, no problem. But I wasn't facing a challenge based on lack of information or insight, at least not a challenge that could be overcome through thought experiments.
Hence my choice to explore life coaching. So far I have found it a good balance between practical and theoretical development. One of the things we have been working on is recognizing defense mechanisms. For that I have learned about a theory of development that claims that many of us spend a lot of time and energy in our adult lives trying to meet needs that were unmet as children. The result is often a reaction to certain situations that is out of proportion to current events, but makes sense when seen as a continuation of childhood drama and trauma.
I can accept this theory and work with it for two main reasons. First, there is no condition that I, as the adult-child in this story, have any knowledge or appreciation of events that may have been harmful to me as a child. Second, there is no way for a child to escape childhood without having unmet needs, so I don't have to either identify unmet needs or blame my parents for my unhappiness as an adult in order to move forward.
My life coach is basing the assignments she gives me on Ingeborg Bosch's therapy called Past Reality Integration. The assignments are designed to help me learn to recognize my feelings, and why I feel what I do when I do.
In my reading pile currently lies Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child, which contains some wonderful parallels. I'm not sure to what extent Bosch is influenced by Miller, but certainly reading Miller is giving me the intellectual background to understand myself. I also feel reassured in my decision to pursue life coaching, because the intellectual effort alone seems useful, but in itself can effect no changes.
And change is what it is all about.
Hence my choice to explore life coaching. So far I have found it a good balance between practical and theoretical development. One of the things we have been working on is recognizing defense mechanisms. For that I have learned about a theory of development that claims that many of us spend a lot of time and energy in our adult lives trying to meet needs that were unmet as children. The result is often a reaction to certain situations that is out of proportion to current events, but makes sense when seen as a continuation of childhood drama and trauma.
I can accept this theory and work with it for two main reasons. First, there is no condition that I, as the adult-child in this story, have any knowledge or appreciation of events that may have been harmful to me as a child. Second, there is no way for a child to escape childhood without having unmet needs, so I don't have to either identify unmet needs or blame my parents for my unhappiness as an adult in order to move forward.
My life coach is basing the assignments she gives me on Ingeborg Bosch's therapy called Past Reality Integration. The assignments are designed to help me learn to recognize my feelings, and why I feel what I do when I do.
In my reading pile currently lies Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child, which contains some wonderful parallels. I'm not sure to what extent Bosch is influenced by Miller, but certainly reading Miller is giving me the intellectual background to understand myself. I also feel reassured in my decision to pursue life coaching, because the intellectual effort alone seems useful, but in itself can effect no changes.
And change is what it is all about.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Choices
In my last post I talked about how much better I felt choosing to make someone who hurt me less important (among other things).
I am so delighted to be learning about choices! I feel a lot of pressure, often, because of what I think is expected of me. I know it's really just me expecting too much of myself, but that doesn't solve the problem. Feeling that I can choose to think about this or that, or feel a certain feeling, or take a particular action - now that's new!
Crazy, huh!
I have often felt I am the gatekeeper of the world. I have a very big responsibility, obviously, to keep everyone safe and happy. I think it is my job to protect people from pain, to save them from their hurt, and to please them. Maybe that comes from stuff in my childhood - of course stuff from my past informs my now. But right now I want to focus on choices.
I can choose. Other people can choose. There might be right and wrong, and maybe I believe in a right or wrong more than some others. I am afraid of getting hurt, and I have made a lot of choices to protect myself, and people around me, from getting hurt. But getting hurt is not that big a deal anymore. It used to be, when I was a child, but now I'm grown up. I can choose to be ok with getting hurt.
I don't have to carry around hurt feelings forever. Or anger or unforgiveness. I can feel hurt, angry, and unforgiving, but it's not a commitment. I am committed, instead, to being happy.
I have all the things I need, and I am getting guidance and support to learn how to give myself this wonderful gift.
And I have heard a million times that people choose to be happy, or not. But I thought it was a moment, a beat where you felt sad or angry and told yourself to snap out of it. Now I think differently.
Now I think choosing to be happy is recognizing that choices lie everywhere, making the ones that take care of me, and letting others make their own. I can let others take their own path, even the wrong path, because it's their choice to make. And whatever path I choose to walk, it is my choice. Mine. So I want to spend my time and my energy doing what makes me happy, not what I think will protect me or someone else from hurt, or what will please someone else.
This is my life to live. And that is yours. Enjoy it.
I am so delighted to be learning about choices! I feel a lot of pressure, often, because of what I think is expected of me. I know it's really just me expecting too much of myself, but that doesn't solve the problem. Feeling that I can choose to think about this or that, or feel a certain feeling, or take a particular action - now that's new!
Crazy, huh!
I have often felt I am the gatekeeper of the world. I have a very big responsibility, obviously, to keep everyone safe and happy. I think it is my job to protect people from pain, to save them from their hurt, and to please them. Maybe that comes from stuff in my childhood - of course stuff from my past informs my now. But right now I want to focus on choices.
I can choose. Other people can choose. There might be right and wrong, and maybe I believe in a right or wrong more than some others. I am afraid of getting hurt, and I have made a lot of choices to protect myself, and people around me, from getting hurt. But getting hurt is not that big a deal anymore. It used to be, when I was a child, but now I'm grown up. I can choose to be ok with getting hurt.
I don't have to carry around hurt feelings forever. Or anger or unforgiveness. I can feel hurt, angry, and unforgiving, but it's not a commitment. I am committed, instead, to being happy.
I have all the things I need, and I am getting guidance and support to learn how to give myself this wonderful gift.
And I have heard a million times that people choose to be happy, or not. But I thought it was a moment, a beat where you felt sad or angry and told yourself to snap out of it. Now I think differently.
Now I think choosing to be happy is recognizing that choices lie everywhere, making the ones that take care of me, and letting others make their own. I can let others take their own path, even the wrong path, because it's their choice to make. And whatever path I choose to walk, it is my choice. Mine. So I want to spend my time and my energy doing what makes me happy, not what I think will protect me or someone else from hurt, or what will please someone else.
This is my life to live. And that is yours. Enjoy it.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
What's Important
The biggest problem with tough choices is that I'm pulled in so many directions.
I want to be happy. I want to do what is right. I want to be a loving person. I want to be a good friend. And I want to learn to think differently about what's bothering me, so that it doesn't bother me so much.
J says that he just makes people who hurt him less important. But I've had a habit of making people who hurt me MORE important. For me that's because I was hurt a lot when I was young, by my parents, and when you're a kid, of course your parents are very important. But I'm an adult now, and I can change that habit. I will never be hurt again like I was when I was a kid, because I'll never be that vulnerable again. So I don't have to protect myself from getting hurt.
So the situation I'm facing is my friend's new girlfriend, who is that former friend of mine who was unpleasant to me when I was going through a tough time and then refused to return my keys and bank pass for a couple of months. That got resolved after I called her mother and asked her to intervene. She's now moved from Canada to Holland, and is living with him.
I recently saw my friend for the first time since his girlfriend arrived here. We were able to arrange that because she went out of town for a few days.
He told me a few things that she told him about what happened, sort of letting me in on what he understands her perspective to be.
She told him that she was hurt that I didn't trust her to return my things. She told him that she had made several attempts to return the keys and bank pass but that my cousins hadn't responded to her. She told him that she didn't care if I visited him, but she didn't want to be friends with me because I hurt her so much.
I was very surprised to hear this. At first, I resented that she had told him about how she felt about me, and not me. And I felt really sad that I had hurt her. But you know, I tend to believe what people say, even when their actions say otherwise.
Her actions were to not reply to my emails for months. I sent her 5 or 6 emails over the course of about 3 months. Not only was I trying to heal our friendship, but I also asked her to please confirm that she had my keys and bank pass and that she would give them to my cousins. She told my friend/her boyfriend that she was just deleting my emails unread. If that's true, she only knew that she was supposed to return the keys and bank pass to my cousins as soon as possible.
She and her mother know my cousins. They both know the mom and the dad and the three adult children living at home. So she knew five different people she could contact to return my keys and bank pass. I hadn't told any of them the problems I was having with her, or that she just was refusing to reply to my emails. After all, it's none of their business. So they would have been just as loving and kind with her as they have always been over the years.
It would indeed surprise me if my cousins had ignored her requests to meet, since I was also in contact with my cousins who knew this was important to me. My cousins were replying to my emails and letting me know what was happening. And my cousins told me that she had made a couple of vague appointments but then just never showed up. So if this is a test of who-is-more-likely-to-be-telling-the-truth, then based on these facts, the believability lies slightly more with my cousins, if for no other reason than that they provided me with this information at the time.
I knew my former friend very well. She has lots of great qualities, but she isn't the most honest person. I have no idea if she's lied to me directly, but she told me many things about herself that began with, "So-and-so still thinks that this happened, because I lied about it. Really, something else happened." Now, that's her business, and she has the right to shape what people think about her in this way if that's what she wants to do. But back to the test of truth-telling: based on her character, she is less believable than my cousins.
So my conclusions are:
I notice that my anger and hurt is gone, as I realize that of course I need friends who are less likely to hurt me. I can't befriend everyone, and like financial investments, there are some friendships that depreciate in value over time. It's sad, but also like a financial investment, there is a point at which you need to move on.
And in order for me to do that, I have to recognize and accept that I tried to make this friendship work. I placed a high value on what was there, and made every effort to breathe life into it. But a friendship is a team effort, and I can't do it on my own. She had the opportunity to know how I felt, what I thought, and that I asked her to forgive me for whatever happened that made her angry or hurt. But she chose not to know those things, and I have to respect that. She had the choice to make this friendship work or not. I think she made the wrong choice, but it is her choice to make.
So what I need to do now is realize that she is not important in my life. She used to be, but not anymore. She's my friend's girlfriend, and when we visit him she might be around, but she doesn't matter. My friends and family matter, not people I used to know once upon a time.
Gak. I sure hope this is the end of this drama with her inside my head!
I want to be happy. I want to do what is right. I want to be a loving person. I want to be a good friend. And I want to learn to think differently about what's bothering me, so that it doesn't bother me so much.
J says that he just makes people who hurt him less important. But I've had a habit of making people who hurt me MORE important. For me that's because I was hurt a lot when I was young, by my parents, and when you're a kid, of course your parents are very important. But I'm an adult now, and I can change that habit. I will never be hurt again like I was when I was a kid, because I'll never be that vulnerable again. So I don't have to protect myself from getting hurt.
So the situation I'm facing is my friend's new girlfriend, who is that former friend of mine who was unpleasant to me when I was going through a tough time and then refused to return my keys and bank pass for a couple of months. That got resolved after I called her mother and asked her to intervene. She's now moved from Canada to Holland, and is living with him.
I recently saw my friend for the first time since his girlfriend arrived here. We were able to arrange that because she went out of town for a few days.
He told me a few things that she told him about what happened, sort of letting me in on what he understands her perspective to be.
She told him that she was hurt that I didn't trust her to return my things. She told him that she had made several attempts to return the keys and bank pass but that my cousins hadn't responded to her. She told him that she didn't care if I visited him, but she didn't want to be friends with me because I hurt her so much.
I was very surprised to hear this. At first, I resented that she had told him about how she felt about me, and not me. And I felt really sad that I had hurt her. But you know, I tend to believe what people say, even when their actions say otherwise.
Her actions were to not reply to my emails for months. I sent her 5 or 6 emails over the course of about 3 months. Not only was I trying to heal our friendship, but I also asked her to please confirm that she had my keys and bank pass and that she would give them to my cousins. She told my friend/her boyfriend that she was just deleting my emails unread. If that's true, she only knew that she was supposed to return the keys and bank pass to my cousins as soon as possible.
She and her mother know my cousins. They both know the mom and the dad and the three adult children living at home. So she knew five different people she could contact to return my keys and bank pass. I hadn't told any of them the problems I was having with her, or that she just was refusing to reply to my emails. After all, it's none of their business. So they would have been just as loving and kind with her as they have always been over the years.
It would indeed surprise me if my cousins had ignored her requests to meet, since I was also in contact with my cousins who knew this was important to me. My cousins were replying to my emails and letting me know what was happening. And my cousins told me that she had made a couple of vague appointments but then just never showed up. So if this is a test of who-is-more-likely-to-be-telling-the-truth, then based on these facts, the believability lies slightly more with my cousins, if for no other reason than that they provided me with this information at the time.
I knew my former friend very well. She has lots of great qualities, but she isn't the most honest person. I have no idea if she's lied to me directly, but she told me many things about herself that began with, "So-and-so still thinks that this happened, because I lied about it. Really, something else happened." Now, that's her business, and she has the right to shape what people think about her in this way if that's what she wants to do. But back to the test of truth-telling: based on her character, she is less believable than my cousins.
So my conclusions are:
- I think she probably was hurt by something I said or did.
Now, she had the chance to make things right between us, but didn't. She could have read my emails and learned what I was thinking and feeling. She could have told me what she was thinking and feeling. She didn't do those things, and I suspect that there are two reasons behind that. The first is, friendship isn't (or at least my friendship wasn't) that important to her, so when she got hurt, she just moved on. The second is that she did value my friendship, but when she got hurt she decided that the effort to talk about it with me was too much work for her, and moved on. - I think she is shaping what her new boyfriend thinks of her by saying what she thinks will make him think better of her.
I don't believe she really made the efforts she claimed to contact my cousins about the keys and bank pass. I don't think my apparent lack of trust in her was hurtful to her, or if so, that's really odd. If she didn't reply to her colleagues at work asking about a project she was handling, would she be hurt that her boss no longer assumed she was working on the assignement? She knew she had a responsibility to fulfil, and didn't make it happen - for months.
I notice that my anger and hurt is gone, as I realize that of course I need friends who are less likely to hurt me. I can't befriend everyone, and like financial investments, there are some friendships that depreciate in value over time. It's sad, but also like a financial investment, there is a point at which you need to move on.
And in order for me to do that, I have to recognize and accept that I tried to make this friendship work. I placed a high value on what was there, and made every effort to breathe life into it. But a friendship is a team effort, and I can't do it on my own. She had the opportunity to know how I felt, what I thought, and that I asked her to forgive me for whatever happened that made her angry or hurt. But she chose not to know those things, and I have to respect that. She had the choice to make this friendship work or not. I think she made the wrong choice, but it is her choice to make.
So what I need to do now is realize that she is not important in my life. She used to be, but not anymore. She's my friend's girlfriend, and when we visit him she might be around, but she doesn't matter. My friends and family matter, not people I used to know once upon a time.
Gak. I sure hope this is the end of this drama with her inside my head!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Success and Happiness
I've been thinking lately about success and happiness, and about some unhappiness, anger, and frustration that lingers in my life.
I think, for now, that I've got it figured out. (Spread the word, eh!)
It's about looking forward. A lot of inspirational quotes about success are about focusing on the future. For example:
"The successful always has a number of projects planned, to which he looks forward. Any one of them could change the course of his life overnight." ~ Mark Caine
"Would you like me to give you a formula for success? It's quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure. You are thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn't at all. You can be discouraged by failure or you can learn from it. So go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because remember that's where you will find success." ~ Thomas J. Watson
And everyone's favourite:
"Success is a journey, not a destination." ~ Ben Sweetland
I am just lately realizing that thinking about the past makes me unhappy. I think about how people should have behaved differently, how I could have done or said something to change what happened, how disappointed I was in others. And I relive those feelings of frustration, anger or hurt.
But to achieve anything, I have to move forward. And I can't move forward while looking backwards. So I have to focus on what I want and move in that direction. This is a challenge for me, because I want some things in my past to just be different. So no wonder I've been focusing on what happened before, because my attention and energy was directed at trying to change the past (as fruitless as that is).
So now with my new focus on giving myself a good foundation for my future, it makes sense that I would start to notice that a lot of energy was misdirected, and interfered with my life and thus my future. It is too bad that some people I used to know behaved in ways I find ... wrongful. But it is their bad. I have strong values and a strong character, and I am learning that lots of people don't have either. I can't fix their lack of values or lack of character, and wishing things were different doesn't change anything. I am not responsible for their conduct, only they are. As I am responsible for mine.
And starting now, I resolve to do myself the honour of freeing myself from the chains of the past and focusing on what matters - the bright future lying in wait for me.
I think, for now, that I've got it figured out. (Spread the word, eh!)
It's about looking forward. A lot of inspirational quotes about success are about focusing on the future. For example:
"The successful always has a number of projects planned, to which he looks forward. Any one of them could change the course of his life overnight." ~ Mark Caine
"Would you like me to give you a formula for success? It's quite simple, really. Double your rate of failure. You are thinking of failure as the enemy of success. But it isn't at all. You can be discouraged by failure or you can learn from it. So go ahead and make mistakes. Make all you can. Because remember that's where you will find success." ~ Thomas J. Watson
And everyone's favourite:
"Success is a journey, not a destination." ~ Ben Sweetland
I am just lately realizing that thinking about the past makes me unhappy. I think about how people should have behaved differently, how I could have done or said something to change what happened, how disappointed I was in others. And I relive those feelings of frustration, anger or hurt.
But to achieve anything, I have to move forward. And I can't move forward while looking backwards. So I have to focus on what I want and move in that direction. This is a challenge for me, because I want some things in my past to just be different. So no wonder I've been focusing on what happened before, because my attention and energy was directed at trying to change the past (as fruitless as that is).
So now with my new focus on giving myself a good foundation for my future, it makes sense that I would start to notice that a lot of energy was misdirected, and interfered with my life and thus my future. It is too bad that some people I used to know behaved in ways I find ... wrongful. But it is their bad. I have strong values and a strong character, and I am learning that lots of people don't have either. I can't fix their lack of values or lack of character, and wishing things were different doesn't change anything. I am not responsible for their conduct, only they are. As I am responsible for mine.
And starting now, I resolve to do myself the honour of freeing myself from the chains of the past and focusing on what matters - the bright future lying in wait for me.
Monday, March 7, 2011
No Mo' Drama
As I've been moving along in my goal of putting myself first, I've realized how much I dislike conflict. I always knew I didn't like it, after all, who does? People who thrive on winning an argument often win nothing else, and like Dr. Phil says, "Do you wanna be right? Or do you wanna be happy?"
What I'm realizing most recently is that I also find it upsetting when my values conflict with another's. Perhaps because I see no resolution, after all, our values are central to how we engage in the world, so when I run into someone who has a fundamentally opposite approach to me, I don't really know where, or if, any middle ground might be.
I don't want to become someone who insists that everyone around me think as I do, that is so annoying! And boring, really. I love differences. But I suppose difference can go too far.
And when it comes right down to it, when I look at someone else's life and think it's just a soap opera, I don't want to be part of it.
Obviously, in most cases, how people raise their kids, relate to their spouses, or choose to spend their time and money, is none of my business. But most people don't cross my imaginary lines. From time to time, I feel trapped. I have had friends where, all of a sudden, I am shocked by what they set as a priority. It's not my place to say whether their priorities are right or wrong, but I guess I have to recognize that the friendship has shifted an awful lot for me to be shocked by them.
Perhaps the friend has gone through some changes recently, perhaps I just never noticed where their values lay. Perhaps the friendship was just never deep enough for me to know their character very well.
It's hard to love someone, to enjoy their company, and yet to find myself thinking, Hmmm... maybe I'm happier with you further away from my heart.
On the other hand, I do appreciate the growth I've made in this area. As sad as it is, it's still nice to recognize that I'm not wasting my time or energy, or hurting myself or my friend, by trying to make things different. I will honour the friendship by finding out more, and withholding judgement as much as I can. But if that friend's life is the soap opera I seem to have been seeing lately, I don't want to join the cast. I don't even want to watch. I'll just change the channel.
What I'm realizing most recently is that I also find it upsetting when my values conflict with another's. Perhaps because I see no resolution, after all, our values are central to how we engage in the world, so when I run into someone who has a fundamentally opposite approach to me, I don't really know where, or if, any middle ground might be.
I don't want to become someone who insists that everyone around me think as I do, that is so annoying! And boring, really. I love differences. But I suppose difference can go too far.
And when it comes right down to it, when I look at someone else's life and think it's just a soap opera, I don't want to be part of it.
Obviously, in most cases, how people raise their kids, relate to their spouses, or choose to spend their time and money, is none of my business. But most people don't cross my imaginary lines. From time to time, I feel trapped. I have had friends where, all of a sudden, I am shocked by what they set as a priority. It's not my place to say whether their priorities are right or wrong, but I guess I have to recognize that the friendship has shifted an awful lot for me to be shocked by them.
Perhaps the friend has gone through some changes recently, perhaps I just never noticed where their values lay. Perhaps the friendship was just never deep enough for me to know their character very well.
It's hard to love someone, to enjoy their company, and yet to find myself thinking, Hmmm... maybe I'm happier with you further away from my heart.
On the other hand, I do appreciate the growth I've made in this area. As sad as it is, it's still nice to recognize that I'm not wasting my time or energy, or hurting myself or my friend, by trying to make things different. I will honour the friendship by finding out more, and withholding judgement as much as I can. But if that friend's life is the soap opera I seem to have been seeing lately, I don't want to join the cast. I don't even want to watch. I'll just change the channel.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Stop the World, I Want to Get Off
I am so done. Everywhere I turn I see stuff I'm in the middle of! I know it's all leading somewhere good, but I have to learn how to set limits.
I feel that I barely get time to rest before it's time to start up again. I miss my husband!! I haven't socialized with my friends in a while. My weekends are booked, my evenings are booked, my days are full, and I am pooped.
Everything in my agenda is something I want to do. My husband thinks I do a lot, meanwhile I look at my living room and see the mess I didn't clean up. Yet. And it's 1am.
I am really curious about how to change my attitude here. I can see that it's bad for me. Trying to do too much at once is such a pitfall for me. Sure, it's all good, fun, interesting stuff. But too much means I don't get to relax into each thing, because I have to work on whatever it is right now so that it's done in time. Too much means I don't get enough sleep, and that I feel stressed when I'm awake.
But how can I say no to a good thing? I seem to have no sense of time. All of you who have waited for me know that already!! But I mean a sense of time in a more transcendental sense. I can't set a priority, because I seem to see everything as happening all once. As though life is not a series of events, but a herd of buffalo stampeding over me. I see no cycles, no growth, only sudden and unexpected happenings.
Well, now that I write that, I realize I am starting to slowly see some cycles and some growth, but mostly I feel that I experience life all at once. It's really very tiring.
Help!
I feel that I barely get time to rest before it's time to start up again. I miss my husband!! I haven't socialized with my friends in a while. My weekends are booked, my evenings are booked, my days are full, and I am pooped.
Everything in my agenda is something I want to do. My husband thinks I do a lot, meanwhile I look at my living room and see the mess I didn't clean up. Yet. And it's 1am.
I am really curious about how to change my attitude here. I can see that it's bad for me. Trying to do too much at once is such a pitfall for me. Sure, it's all good, fun, interesting stuff. But too much means I don't get to relax into each thing, because I have to work on whatever it is right now so that it's done in time. Too much means I don't get enough sleep, and that I feel stressed when I'm awake.
But how can I say no to a good thing? I seem to have no sense of time. All of you who have waited for me know that already!! But I mean a sense of time in a more transcendental sense. I can't set a priority, because I seem to see everything as happening all once. As though life is not a series of events, but a herd of buffalo stampeding over me. I see no cycles, no growth, only sudden and unexpected happenings.
Well, now that I write that, I realize I am starting to slowly see some cycles and some growth, but mostly I feel that I experience life all at once. It's really very tiring.
Help!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Microcosm of My Life
This week was really exciting, but also a bit overwhelming. I've set aside the first half of 2o11 to focus on myself... really focus on myself. It feels quite weird, from time to time, but my goal is get to know myself and to give myself a good foundation for the rest of my life.
For my inner happiness I am exploring interests such as personal training, learning French, and socializing more. I'm also working with a life coach, which I've written about here and here, to learn how to love myself unconditionally.
For my physical happiness I am working with a physiotherapist to get limiting pain under management so I can freely pursue my fitness goals. I'm seeing a massage therapist regularly to help with pain management, relaxation and recovery. (I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes. I am currently relatively asymptomatic, and I'm working on keeping it that way!) I'm also back lifting weights a couple of times per week, after trying to focus on aerobic activity for a few weeks and finding that it's still not my cup of tea! I've also started working with a Cesar-therapeut.
What the heck is a Cesar-therapeut? That's what I asked when my massage therapist mentioned it. Therapeut means therapist in Dutch, but that didn't really clarify anything for me. So I googled it. Ummmm. Yeah.
Bravely, based much more on my massage therapist's suggestion than on any understanding of what might happen, I made an appointment. I had my first visit last week. I have never heard of any practitioner in Canada doing anything similar, so I just have to describe it. Basically, a Cesar-therapeut works with people to improve how they move. They work with all age groups in lots of different ways.
After getting me to strip to my undergarments and submit myself to her steely gaze from all angles, my therapeut looked up from her clipboard and said, "Well, you stick your butt out, so then your belly sticks out to compensate, and then you hold your upper-back too far back to compensate, and then you have to round your shoulders forward to compensate for that." I'd been wondering why I've lost a lot of body fat but still had a sticky-out belly!!
In about 5 minutes she had me doing a couple of exercises to correct all of that, that I'm supposed to keep doing on my own. I found it very interesting because the point of the therapy is to get my body moving more naturally - rather than still moving the way I did when I was compensating for intense, constant pain during a two-year-long fibro flareup. And for me to do that on my own, rather than ongoing visits. She wants me to not have to come back at all!
Another new thing that happened this week was an invitation from my boss' business partner to set up a marketing planning sesssion for our gym with the key players at work. This came out of a bunch of marketing ideas I described for them, just for kicks, a few months back. They thought I knew what I was talking about and I'm now exploring a third role at my job! Receptionist, personal trainer, marketing dynamo!
I also ran 5 billion errands, counselled my husband who was really in quite a funk for a few days, worked crazy shifts and had a meltdown about feeling so full of enthusiam and ideas and so stuck on what to do next! Also about my work schedule for next month, but that I resolved by telling the colleague who does up the shift schedule what my limitations are going to be from now on. Assertiveness is my middle name. Ha!
So yes, my life is in a state of limbo, and it drives me nuts. I like to KNOW everything. I don't like plans changing, I don't like the unexpected, I don't like the unknown. But, on the other hand, I am absolutely sure that I am on a great path, that I have a great partner, and that no matter what the future holds, I will be happy anyways!
For my inner happiness I am exploring interests such as personal training, learning French, and socializing more. I'm also working with a life coach, which I've written about here and here, to learn how to love myself unconditionally.
For my physical happiness I am working with a physiotherapist to get limiting pain under management so I can freely pursue my fitness goals. I'm seeing a massage therapist regularly to help with pain management, relaxation and recovery. (I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndromes. I am currently relatively asymptomatic, and I'm working on keeping it that way!) I'm also back lifting weights a couple of times per week, after trying to focus on aerobic activity for a few weeks and finding that it's still not my cup of tea! I've also started working with a Cesar-therapeut.
What the heck is a Cesar-therapeut? That's what I asked when my massage therapist mentioned it. Therapeut means therapist in Dutch, but that didn't really clarify anything for me. So I googled it. Ummmm. Yeah.
Bravely, based much more on my massage therapist's suggestion than on any understanding of what might happen, I made an appointment. I had my first visit last week. I have never heard of any practitioner in Canada doing anything similar, so I just have to describe it. Basically, a Cesar-therapeut works with people to improve how they move. They work with all age groups in lots of different ways.
After getting me to strip to my undergarments and submit myself to her steely gaze from all angles, my therapeut looked up from her clipboard and said, "Well, you stick your butt out, so then your belly sticks out to compensate, and then you hold your upper-back too far back to compensate, and then you have to round your shoulders forward to compensate for that." I'd been wondering why I've lost a lot of body fat but still had a sticky-out belly!!
In about 5 minutes she had me doing a couple of exercises to correct all of that, that I'm supposed to keep doing on my own. I found it very interesting because the point of the therapy is to get my body moving more naturally - rather than still moving the way I did when I was compensating for intense, constant pain during a two-year-long fibro flareup. And for me to do that on my own, rather than ongoing visits. She wants me to not have to come back at all!
Another new thing that happened this week was an invitation from my boss' business partner to set up a marketing planning sesssion for our gym with the key players at work. This came out of a bunch of marketing ideas I described for them, just for kicks, a few months back. They thought I knew what I was talking about and I'm now exploring a third role at my job! Receptionist, personal trainer, marketing dynamo!
I also ran 5 billion errands, counselled my husband who was really in quite a funk for a few days, worked crazy shifts and had a meltdown about feeling so full of enthusiam and ideas and so stuck on what to do next! Also about my work schedule for next month, but that I resolved by telling the colleague who does up the shift schedule what my limitations are going to be from now on. Assertiveness is my middle name. Ha!
So yes, my life is in a state of limbo, and it drives me nuts. I like to KNOW everything. I don't like plans changing, I don't like the unexpected, I don't like the unknown. But, on the other hand, I am absolutely sure that I am on a great path, that I have a great partner, and that no matter what the future holds, I will be happy anyways!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Getting My Life Coached
Wow! Let me just say I was really excited after my first 'official' session with Marloes (see here for the first part of the story). We talked about a number of things, but what really stood out was an exercise with cards! Not playing cards, exactly, but this set of cards.
I found the English image on the right online, but I could only find information about this game in Dutch (left).
I found the English image on the right online, but I could only find information about this game in Dutch (left).To understand how the 'game' works, this website explains it really well. Basically, Marloes asked me to go through all the cards with positive traits, and pick out a couple that I felt really described me. Of course, I have all sorts of positive traits, but the one I chose as a particular feature of mine was CARING. We talked a bit how I enjoy being a caring person. We also talked about how sometimes being caring actually causes me problems. I enjoy doing things for people, but sometimes, somehow, it can also feel like an obligation. And from time to time, I feel taken advantage of, and think that some people just use me for the nice things I do to make their life easier. So we talked about how too much of a good thing can lead to something not-so-good.
The next step was to choose a a negative quality from the set of cards with negative traits to describe what I feel happens when my caring nature gets out of hand. I chose SUBSERVIENT. The word in Dutch is wegcijferen, which means to make into a nonentity. It is perhaps best translated in this context as sweeping myself away. I got pretty mad when I realized that's how I felt. Even though others have definitely behaved badly towards me, and shame on them, the real issue in my life is that I have sometimes done that to myself. Lately I have valued pleasing others, caring for them, and doing what I can to make their lives easier, far too much. I sometimes go to extremes, and disregard my own needs, wants, interests, preferences, etc. in favour of someone else's. And that's not only no fun at all in the short term, it hinders me from being happy later on as well.
The next step was to look at the positive traits again, and choose one that represented an opposite to the too-much-of-a-good-thing negative quality. For this one, I chose INDEPENDENCE. I'm not sure if anyone else can understand the logic of my mind (or of anyone's at all!), but I chose 'independence' because someone who does whatever she wants, takes care of herself, and puts herself first, well... that person is not subservient at all, and never diminishes herself for another. We talked about this for a bit. I was surprised to find that I found independence a bit scary. I had the idea that if I put myself first, then I wouldn't be kind or loving anymore. And since I really value being caring, that bothered me.
I'm not sure quite what happened, but all of a sudden I realized that there is no risk of me ever being anything less than a wonderfully loving, kind, and caring person. I'm still a bit surprised that independence is something I'm not attracted to, but I think I associate independence with being alone. And although I like to be alone more than a lot of people, I sure don't want to live my life alone. (Hence, my loving nature lol!!)
The final, and most difficult step, was to choose the quality that I see as being too much independence. I chose SELFISHNESS. I find this quality somewhat challenging to define. I would say that someone who is selfish is someone who has no objective values to live by. For example, a selfish person has no problem telling a lie to avoid a confrontation or to manipulate someone else's view of them. A selfish person is intolerant of others if the views, feelings, or needs of others are inconvenient. I really dislike that kind of person, and I guess I fear being independent a bit because I see a slipperly slope. I get a bit nervous that maybe being independent will turn me into someone manipulative, intolerant and self-serving. And for me, there'd be nothing worse!
Now, wasn't that an interesting journey of self-discovery!!
The next step was to look at the positive traits again, and choose one that represented an opposite to the too-much-of-a-good-thing negative quality. For this one, I chose INDEPENDENCE. I'm not sure if anyone else can understand the logic of my mind (or of anyone's at all!), but I chose 'independence' because someone who does whatever she wants, takes care of herself, and puts herself first, well... that person is not subservient at all, and never diminishes herself for another. We talked about this for a bit. I was surprised to find that I found independence a bit scary. I had the idea that if I put myself first, then I wouldn't be kind or loving anymore. And since I really value being caring, that bothered me.
I'm not sure quite what happened, but all of a sudden I realized that there is no risk of me ever being anything less than a wonderfully loving, kind, and caring person. I'm still a bit surprised that independence is something I'm not attracted to, but I think I associate independence with being alone. And although I like to be alone more than a lot of people, I sure don't want to live my life alone. (Hence, my loving nature lol!!)
The final, and most difficult step, was to choose the quality that I see as being too much independence. I chose SELFISHNESS. I find this quality somewhat challenging to define. I would say that someone who is selfish is someone who has no objective values to live by. For example, a selfish person has no problem telling a lie to avoid a confrontation or to manipulate someone else's view of them. A selfish person is intolerant of others if the views, feelings, or needs of others are inconvenient. I really dislike that kind of person, and I guess I fear being independent a bit because I see a slipperly slope. I get a bit nervous that maybe being independent will turn me into someone manipulative, intolerant and self-serving. And for me, there'd be nothing worse!
Now, wasn't that an interesting journey of self-discovery!!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
What can a Life Coach do for me?
A few weeks ago I had my intake appointment with Marloes Elbrink, Life Coach with Stekker Coaching. That's her on the right. She was a bit younger than I expected, dressed fashionably and casually, as seems the norm here in Holland. She greeted me, showed me to our meeting room, and offered me a beverage. Then she got down to business.She invited me to talk about why I was looking for help at all. I told her about how stressful the last few months had been, and that I knew something needed to change, but I didn't know what. I explained that I had been to talk-therapy in the past, and although extremely useful intellectually, I wanted something more practical. I noticed right away that her style of interacting with me was very different than what I had experienced with talk-therapy.
As I told her about some of the things that had happened, I felt myself re-living the events, and of course there were tears, anger, hurt and frustration. In talk-therapy, that had been a place to sit and dwell a while. Not so with Marloes! No, instead she would sum up what I had said, and then ask leading questions. I found this very helpful for two reasons. First, I don't actually enjoy feeling angry or hurt so I was glad to move on. And secondly, she 'validated' my feelings and at the same time, invited (expected) me to use my creativity and intelligence to move on. I guess I wasn't feeling too able to do that on my own.
Once we had chatted for a while, and we both thought that she knew enough about me and understood what was bothering me, she gave me an assignment. It was a toughie!! I was given a set of pencil crayons, shown to a large easel, and asked to draw a tree that I felt represented me in my life now.
I didn't feel at all that the assignment was silly, but I did struggle to even begin. A lot of thoughts swirled in my head, from how to make a 'perfect' representation to where to begin and why. Finally I drew something like this:
Then we talked about my tree. I explained that this was actually a tree to be very proud of. After all, look how much it has achieved! It is nice and tall, with lots of beautiful green leaves. And it grew even without any roots at all, and kept growing and achieving lots of things, which is why it is so tall. But all those achievements up in the air, lacking good support from the roots up to the achievements makes my tree vulnerable to the wind or other external events. So then I drew my 'ideal' tree:
As you can see, this is a totally awesome tree. It has a great root system, a nice strong trunk, and can easily support all of its beautiful leaves. If a storm came by, this tree would do just fine.I was really surprised at how touching and meaningful I found this exercise. As a result, I have made a commitment to myself to focus on re-building a strong foundation for myself. I am putting what I need to build my base as my first priority in all things.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Personal Trainer In Training
I have been spending a couple of hours twice a week with a personal trainer at my gym. Boy am I learning a lot!!
The goal of this time is for me to gain practical experience as a personal trainer. If I had this job, at my gym, I would be responsible for developing programs for all sorts of people. I would also be responsible for just being there to answer questions, to help someone with form, suggestions, or as a spotter. I'd be there in case of emergencies and to do some light cleaning, such as emptying all the wastepaper baskets of the tons of paper towel that get tossed in there after clients wipe down their machines.
I was aware of some challenges going in:
The goal of this time is for me to gain practical experience as a personal trainer. If I had this job, at my gym, I would be responsible for developing programs for all sorts of people. I would also be responsible for just being there to answer questions, to help someone with form, suggestions, or as a spotter. I'd be there in case of emergencies and to do some light cleaning, such as emptying all the wastepaper baskets of the tons of paper towel that get tossed in there after clients wipe down their machines.
I was aware of some challenges going in:
- I am officially fluent in Dutch, but the fitness world has a jargon all it's own. I am often unfamiliar with the names for things. What's more of a challenge is knowing how to explain to people how to perform exercises.
- I am not sure how to balance working with people as both an authority figure and a partner in their progress.
I have discovered that the language problem is really more of my problem than an objective challenge. Memorizing specific phrases, using body language, and using English if I get desperate are all fairly simple solutions. (Most Dutch people also speak at least reasonable English, sometimes also another two or three languages.) I just have to let go of that perfectionism that sometimes stops me from trying if I don't feel certain.
The part about balancing how I work with people leads me to the challenge I found once I started practicing what I've learned. And that is: Find the beginning, and start there!
The feedback I've gotten has been that I can improve in three key areas:
- Keep it simple ~ The clients need to know in summary that their program will get them to their goals. If they are interested, they'll ask for more information.
- Keep it short ~ The clients need to know what to focus on. That's it.
- Keep it fun ~ The clients need to enjoy their workouts and see results.
This new path I'm trying out is a challenge! But, it's one I can definitely meet. It will call for patience, attention, and practice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)