Saturday, May 14, 2011

All is Forgiven

What a relief! All the drama that has gradually been ebbing away from those two former friends is finally 99% gone! That 1% can linger as long as it needs to, it doesn't hurt at all.

I somehow just realized that nothing bad happened anyways.

I didn't like how either of them behaved, that's why I chose to no longer be friends. At the time what really caught my attention was how surprised (and hurt) I was that they behaved in hurtful ways. And that was the trigger for me to seek out learning about myself and what I value through my life coaching. So ultimately, I'm grateful for those two floozys* (floozies?) for helping me to see who I am more clearly. In a way, it was just a super-mean version of when Alex visited - I got confronted with an alternative image of myself and chose whether it fit or not.

And the image that now fits me is one of confidence and grace. I forgive those two so ultimately and completely because I see that they were just being themselves. The behaviour I didn't like I'd previously seen time and time again. The last time was just the last time for me, not the last time for them. Of course the kind of person I am is going to have run-ins with people I think behave selfishly, irresponsibly, dishonestly, or unkindly - especially those who backbite!!! And since I'd seen it with these two before, it was just a sign of my growth that I wasn't willing to have it in my life anymore. It was still surprising how hurt I was, but that's what sent me off to learn more, so no regrets!

I think now that I was looking at my friendships through rose-tinted glasses - I saw those qualities I didn't like, but thought it'll never happen to me. And then when it did, I was totally shocked, even though it was predictable. Of course I expected too much, there wasn't much that they had to give. What I find joyful about this experience is feeling excited about letting that rose-tint fade away until I have more clarity about the people around me. And what a delight to know there's nothing wrong with me! I just prefer to be close to people whose values are more compatible.

*As I read this post now, I feel that I've painted a very black-and-white picture. This is not intended as a good-evil polemic but to express my confidence and satisfaction these days and my lack thereof back then.... if that makes sense! And yup, floozy means exactly what I intend to convey!

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