I have a great life, don't I? Wasn't there a TV show forever ago with a similar theme? I don't understand why I feel so... blah. (Note: this is not a medical condition, so no need to panic.) I am just feeling blah. I remember myself as an energetic and enthusiastic person, but that person has been on vacation for a few months now. Instead, an unpleasant stranger is living my life. She is quick to anger and tears, sensitive to the slightest hint of criticism, and grumpy at the best of times. (Note: I am not pregnant or PMSing. At least not right now.) I can do anything I want, but there's nothing I particularly want. Is this what relative comfort and opportunity breeds? Sloth? OMG, does that mean Thatcher had it right? Pretty scary thoughts here.
I have a wonderful husband, whom I love fiercely. He threw me into a painful spiral of panic the other day though, because he was feeling hurt. He explained that sometimes he just feels things. He told me I am not responsible for his feelings. Yet, I am still in a tizzy of terror that he is unhappy, and it is because of me. I feel a compulsion to find out what I did or didn't do that caused this shift in his feelings so I can return to my role as guardian of his happiness. He says I'm just scared. And I am.
And while on the one hand I am busy being panicked and terrified, on the other, I am fascinated. I do think a lot of this has roots in my childhood - but what doesn't have roots in childhood? And years of counselling have helped tremendously, I now feel capable of survival on my own (whew!), but I don't think more counselling is going to help now. After all, even though understanding your parents and how they behaved towards you helps you to understand your past, understanding is just one tiny piece of the puzzle. Or so it seems now.
So now what? Now, I am going to try to learn how to like myself. I think I am a great person, but I get really mad when others don't treat me the way I think is 'right'. And I try to fix it. (Warning: bad idea.) I don't want that anymore. I want to be free of the weight of public opinion. Intellectually I believe that public opinion is worthless, but it seems there is work to be done emotionally.
And I look forward to it. In a scared kind of way.